HeadLocker — Jay Shannon
My Extreme Rules Predictions
Our resident philosopher brings out his slightly cracked crystal ball to predict the outcomes and twists in the Extreme Rules Pay Per View
One Night Stand has been replaced by Extreme Rules. Every match is a gimmick match, leaning towards a more brutal feel. With WWE’s latest Family Friendly mindset, don’t expect all that much blood and gore. This PPV won’t have any huge twists or surprises. WWE is building to Night of Champions and then Summerslam. This is like going to downtown Reno and getting the Aces baseball team, when you are expecting the New York Yankees.
Vickie Guerrero v Santina Marella
Hog Pen Match
Backstory: Santino Marella couldn’t get into the Divas Battle Royal at Wrestlemania, so he put on a bad wig and raided a 80-year old cheerleader’s wardrobe to become his own twin sister. Santina tossed out Beth Phoenix to earn the Miss Wrestlemania title. Later on, Chavo Guerrero set his aunt, Vickie, against Santina for the “title”. With some underhanded shenanigans, Vickie was able to win the tiara and sash away from Santina. Santino and Santina talked about what a pig Vickie is (I don’t agree, but there you go). Santino won a mixed tag match to determine the stipulations for his “sister” and Vickie to fight in. A Hog Pen match was chosen.
Prediction: This is you “Who gives a Monkey’s…?” match. This feud is boring, at best. Santina makes the ugliest woman since Max Klinger donned the chiffon on M*A*S*H*, 30 years ago. Expect Chavo to get involved (and slopped) in this ridiculous waste of time. Since Santina has jobbed to Vickie, several times, he/she’s due a win. I figure Santina will send Chavo into Vickie and both will end up smelling almost as bad as this match will be.
Predicted Winner: Santina Marella
Predicted Losers: The Fans
Predicted Grade: C (for crap — both in the pen and from the participants)
Kofi Kingston v MVP v William Regal v Matt Hardy
United States Championship Match, Fatal Four Way Rules
Backstory: Kofi Kingston took the US title from MVP with a hard fought battle on Raw. MVP wants his belt back. To fit in with the Extreme theme, Vickie tossed Matt Hardy and William Regal in the mix. Regal has had issues with MVP, in recent weeks. MVP also had a long-standing feud with Matt Hardy. Kofi really hasn’t had issues with any of the other three, except taking MVP’s US title.
Prediction: I’m having a hard time figuring this one out. It would have made more sense to have Kofi, Regal and Hardy challenge MVP for the US title. I can’t grasp why WWE switched the belt to Kofi. Hardy could use his cast to crack someone in the skull to take the win but I just don’t think the WWE would do that. I’m going to play it safe with this one. The old saying is: Always go with the champion. I expect Kofi to catch Matt Hardy with the Trouble in Paradise to retain his title. That could kick start a feud with Hardy, while MVP gets to feud with Regal.
Predicted Winner: Kofi Kingston
Predicted Grade: B+
C.M. Punk v Umaga
Samoan Strap Match
Backstory: Punk won the Money in the Bank match at Wrestlemania and then got drafted over to Smackdown. Umaga, who had been on the shelf for some time, came back and set his sights on Punk. Umaga actually began to speak, which killed his character to me. On a recent Smackdown, Umaga used a leather strap to tie up and then whip Punk. Umaga challenged Punk to the strap match.
Predictions: This is a Texas Bullrope Match, minus the cowbell. The winner has to drag his opponent to all four corners and touch the ringposts. It seems like an impossible task for Punk. I was tempted to say that Punk would defy the odds and take the win. I changed my mind, at the last moment. I think this is going to lead to Punk putting up the Money in the Bank “title” at Night of Champions. To make that work, Umaga needs to beat Punk and then claim that if he had been in the match, he would have won. Punk would come out and say something to the effect of “put up or shut up” and the match would be set. I do expect a swerve finish. Umaga would have Punk on his shoulders and both men would have slapped the three corners. Punk would slip free and hit the G-T-S. Umaga would stumble into the fourth corner, winning the match by accident.
Predicted Winner: Umaga
Predicted Grade: B
Chris Jericho v Rey Mysterio
No Holds Barred Match for the Intercontinental title
Backstory: Jericho finally finished off his grumbling at the Legends. He decided, after going to Smackdown in the Draft, that he wasn’t getting the respect he deserved. To get the respect, he went after I-C champ, Rey Mysterio. Jericho lost in the first meeting but has decided to pull out all the stops to win his 9th I-C title.
Prediction: This one is going to go way beyond the Intercontinental title. This one will lead to a match where Rey puts his mask on the line. The best way that I see for that to happen is for Jericho to take the I-C title. Jericho could continue his taunting of Rey as a “coward that hides behind a mask”. Rey could offer up his mask against the title at Night of Champions. Since this is a set-up match, logic would say give the strap to Jericho, after a vicious brutal battle. Of course, when has wrestling ever been logical?
Predicted Winner: Chris Jericho (new I-C Champ)
Predicted Grade: A
Christian v Jack Swagger v Tommy Dreamer
ECW Title match under Hardcore Rules
(added stipulation: If Tommy does not win, he walks away)
Backstory: Christian took the title from Jack Swagger after some questionable moves in the ring. Swagger has cried like a 2 year old who lost his binky, ever since. Tommy Dreamer has gone through a slump and has been questioning his abilities in the ring. He has given himself a deadline (original 6/6 but extended to 6/7), If Tommy can’t win the ECW title on Sunday, he is packing it in and walking away from ECW.
Predictions: Anyone who has read my columns over the past several years know that Tommy Dreamer is my favorite current wrestler. He’s one of the last of the “old schoolers” that still respect the business for what it is. I thought that Tommy was going to lose and then take over as the ECW General Manager. I know think that there is going to be a little twist before Tommy takes over Tiffany’s job. Tommy is going to win this one, taking out Swagger with the D(reamer)DT. He’s going to stand over him and strike the Raven Pose! Vladimir Kozlov will come out and challenge Tommy, either on ECW or at Night of Champions. Kozlov will demolish Dreamer and take the strap. Tommy will disappear for awhile (a well-deserved vacation) and then return to take the reins in the Land of Extreme.
Predicted Winner: Tommy Dreamer (new ECW Champ)
Predicted Grade: B+
John Cena v Big Show
Submission Match
Backstory: Cena took the World title at Wrestlemania with a win over Big Show and Edge. Show came back to cost Cena the title by throwing him into a 7000 watt search light. Show and Cena have battled, several times, with no clear cut winner. Big Show began using the Wight Out (a Camel Clutch/Backbreaker combo) to force his opponent to tap out. Cena has the STF (family friendly-ized title) as his main submission move. Cena hasn’t been able to lock in the move on Show, so far. The two are set to unleash their painful moves on each other, looking to force the other to submit.
Prediction: This is what I like to call a “Reverse Obvious” match. Show is too big for Cena to lock in the STF. Show is stronger than Cena. Cena is going into this match still hurting from past injuries. There is absolutely no way in Heaven or Hell that Cena can win this one. Which is exactly why he IS going to win it. I feel Cena’s about to unveil a new submission finisher. I’m betting on a variation of the old Chris Benoit Crippler Crossface. Cena would be able to cinch that in, even on Show. Since the WWE still likes to avoid talking about Benoit, I’m sure the move would get a new name, likely some kind of gimmicky name like the Cena Cinch or the H-L-A’d Out.
Predicted Winner John Cena (via the H-L-A’d Out)
Predicted Grade: B-
Edge v Jeff Hardy
World Title Match, Ladder Match
Backstory: Edge and Hardy have battled over the WWE and World titles. Jeff chose a Ladder Match for their battle, this Sunday. On the lead-in episode of Smackdown, Edge knocked Jeff off the top of a ladder, onto the ropes.
Prediction: I don’t like the idea of either of these two holding the World title. They both annoy me. I have to think beyond the end of this match to find the winner. C. M. Punk is waiting in the wings to take the title, thanks to his Money in the Bank contract. I have to ask myself which match is more likely: Punk v Jeff or Punk v Edge? While Punk v Jeff would be a better actual match, I think Punk will be set against Edge for the title. I still would love to see Edge win a tough battle, only to have Punk rebound and swoop in to take the World title from the Rated R Superstar. I’ve tried various predictions of that, with no luck, so I’ll go with no twists. Edge is going to hit an amazing Spear off the ladders and barely keep his title. Both men are going to really shine in this one.
Predicted Winner: Edge
Predicted Grade: A+ (Match of the Night)
Randy Orton v Batista
WWE Championship Match, Steel Cage Match
Backstory: Orton has taken out the entire McMahon family/Evolution grouping (Vince, Shane, Stephanie, HHH, Ric Flair). Batista has been Orton’s latest target. Batista had been shelved, storywise, by a Punt from Orton (Batista had to have surgery and the angle was done to push the heel Orton). Batista has returned to exact revenge. He wants the ultimate revenge by taking Orton’s title. This match will take place inside the brutal confines of the Steel Cage.
Predictions: In a perfect world, Batista would demolish Orton and win the gold. Batista is going into this match distracted. His anger will be his downfall. His buddy, Triple H, is on the shelf. His mentor, Ric Flair, is also out. Both were taken out by the man that Batista will be facing. That is going to make Batista sloppy. All the distractions are going to allow Orton to slip in like a viper and take out Batista. Expect some shenanigans from Rhodes and DiBiase before and during the match. Orton was originally looking to feud with Mr. Kennedy after this PPV. With Kennedy getting his walking papers, MVP will likely step in to battle The Viper, next. I’m expecting Orton to survive MVP, only to drop the strap to Cena, maybe at The Great American Bash. WWE could then set up Cena v Batista II (with the possible addition of Orton, making it a Triple Threat) at Summerslam.
Predicted Winner: Randy Orton
Predicted Grade: A-
Final Grade: B+
Final Thoughts: This is another one of those secondary PPVs. There may be a title change or two, but this is more of a story-builder event. Jericho and Rey will move to the next level. Dreamer will look to face the Siberian Cyborg, Kozlov. Edge will have Punk breathing down his neck and Orton will face MVP. With Night of the Champions just around the corner, WWE isn’t about to risk too many of its top stars. This show is supposed to be Extreme, but it’s likely to be rather subdued.
— Jay Shannon
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(6/06/09)