HeadLocker — Jay Shannon
The Impact Insight
Our eesident ring philosopher examines the 2/18 episode of TNA’s iMPACT/
A former champion returned, this week. Also, strange things revolved around Samoa Joe. Issues with The Band continued.
Eric Bischoff stepped out of a black limo. Eric was talking to someone on the phone and it was about bringing in someone new. TNA looked at Against All Odds. Jimmy Hart finally joined the Hogan camp when he sided with The Nasty Boys. D’Angelo Dinero won the 8 Card Stud Tourney. A.J. Styles kept his title. TNA announced that Impact is moving to Mondays. It’s time for Monday Night Wars II.
This Week’s Episode: Lord of the Ring
D’Angelo Dinero came out to a huge pop. Dinero was ready for a party. Dinero talked in third person in true Rock fashion. Pope talked about the men in his way to the gold. Pope called Ric Flair “Dick Flair” and called A.J. Styles “Arthur Jackson”. Huh? Dinero startted rolling with about how great he is.
Styles and Flair walked from the back with the women. After getting in the ring, Flair bragged about his Armani suit. Flair said he was Bling before there was Bling. Flair talked about being exhausted for partying with Styles for days. Flair said Styles was the greatest athlete alive. Pope insulted Flair and Styles with comments I won’t repeat. So much for Family Friendly TV. Flair suggested that Pope’s family was on Food Stamps. Pope said that he was the one who exhausted the women. Styles got in Pope’s face. Pope went to town on both Flair and Styles. The numbers game got the better of Pope, especially after a Flair Kneedrop to the groin. Flair went out and got a chair. He placed it around Pope’s ankle and stomped on it. Styles slapped on a Figure Four! TNA went to break.
Mike Tenay talked about Impact going to Mondays, starting March 8th. I’ll be moving to Fallon and they will be moving into a bad timeslot (my opinion). The Zombie Hot, Daffney, made her rturn to the Impact Zone. The purple eyeshadow was interesting.The screamed at the top of her lungs. Her opponent was the TNA Knockout champ, Tara.
Tara d Daffney (by DQ)
The two locked up and went to the ropes. Tara with straight fists and put Daffney into the Spinning F5. Deffney kicked out. Daffney with a Knife Edge Chps. Tara with a Back Body Drop. Tara pulled off her top shirt and nearly exposed herself. Daffney caught Tara with a Leg Lariat. Daffney with Snap Mares by the hair. Daffney kicked Tara in the chest. Tara used a Baseball Slide to send Tara tothe floor. Daffney followed and sent Tara into the railing. Daffney found a tool box and bashed Tara with it. The ref called for the bell.
Jay’s Thoughts: This feud leaves me colder than a zombie.
Daffney continued to pound on her. Tara ended up a section of steel guard rail. Daffney used a steel chair, slamming it into the railing, over and over. Dr. Stevie had to rush out and physically restrained the demented one.
In the back, Mick Foley came in to talk to Eric Bischoff. Foley tried to apologize but Eric said that there was no reason to do so. Eric said Foley gave 100% at Against All Odds. Eric wanted to give Foley a new look. Eric planned a Mick Makeover. This isn’t going to be good. Eric sent Foley to the store and then used his cell to demand that Abyss come to his office, immediately.
Orlando Jordan came out with a new posse, one male and one female. Taz questioned whether the guy was actually a guy. he was a tad effeminate looking. Jordan’s opponent was Samoa Joe.
Orlando Jordan d Samoa Joe
In the back, Eric Bischoff challenged Joe to impress him against Jordan. Eric was disappointed that Joe didn’t beat A.J. Styles on Sunday. joe came down tot eh ring and stared at Jordan. Joe opened up with a flurry of fists and kicks. Joe with an Irish Whip and a Running Back Elbow and Jumping Enziguri. Jordan with a Thrust to the throat. Joe with a Flying Leg Lariat. Joe with a Knife Edge Chop. Jordan planted Joe with an Anderson Spinebuster. Jordan choked Joe on the ropes. Jordan with a Spinning Neckbreaker into a pair of Muta Powerdrive Elbows. Jordan with a Leaping Kneedrop to the chest. Jordan with a Rear Chin Lock. Joe started to fight back and nearly decapitated Jordan witha trio of Clotheslines. Joe iwth a Back Body Drop. Joe with an Elevator Knee in the corner. Joe set Jordan on the top rope and pounded away. Jordan nailed a Tornado Lung Blower off the ropes to the shock win.
Jay’s Thoughts: Joe loses to Orlando Jordan? Are you kidding me? That’s the biggest reverse push in history. More will happen with Joe, later in the show.
Abyss was freaking out in the back. He asked JB what Eric wanted. JB didn’t have a clue.
The Motor City Machine Guns were talking about who the returning champion was. They thought is was Petey (Williams). Back to break.
Abyss was in Eric’s office. Eric was hot that Abyss didn’t use the barbed wire bat on Sunday. Eric told Abyss that he warned him that he would lose his mask if the bat wasn’t used or there were any shenanigans. Eric said he was in charge and Abyss was going to lose his mask. Abyss cried that his mask was his whole identity. Eric said Abyss would have to lose his mask. Abyss said he was leaving.
Christy Hemme talked with Eric Young. Eric mentioned that Kevin Nash was in the building and he wasn’t happy. Eric wanted The Band to show up so Kevin could talk with them. Dixie Carter and Hulk Hogan talked about he competition that TNA was now going to offer.
Eric walked up to Jeff Jarrett holding the barbed wire bat. Jeff thought Eric wanted to hit him with the bat. Eric gave the bat to Jeff to use agaisnt Abyss, later in the night. Jeff agreed.
It was time for an Eight-man X-Division tag match. Team 1 was: Doug WIlliams, Chris Sabin, Alex Shelley and Brian Kendrick. Team 2 consisted of: Amazing Red, and Generation Me. The final man came out alone…Kazarian. I guess TNA didn’t want any Taz v Kaz confusion. Kazarian had a new look and more subdued clothing that his Kid Lightning outfits.
Max, Jeremy, Kazarian and Amazing Red d Doug WIlliams, Chris Sabin, Alex Shelley and Brian Kendrick
Red took the tag and Shouldered Sabin. Red flipped in and then went to the far ropes. He tried for a Sunset Flip but Sabin rolled through. Sabin missed a Crescent Kick and Red rolled him up for a two. Red Matrix’d away from a Clothesline and then hit a Tilt-a-Whirl DDT. Shelley made the save. Red took out Shelley. Sabin hit a Kneelift and tagged otu to Doug. Doug with a European Uppercut mixed with punches. Doug sent Red Doug with a Snap Suplex. Doug went to the top. Red hit a Trouble in Paradise. Kazarian hit a Spin Kick after taking the tag. Kazarian with the Float Over Neckbreaker. Kendrick got involved and Gen-Me took him out. The Guns double teamed Kazarian. Red hit a Double Missile Dropkick on the Guns. Red with a Flip Dive onto the Guns, on the floor. Kazarian Shouldered Doug and hit a Slingshot DDT onto Dout to pin the X-Champ.
Jay’s Thoughts: It was great to see Kaz ditch the out-dated skull mask of Suicide. I expect him to be thrust back into the X-Division title picture. I’m not sure I like Kazarian v Kaz but that’s TNA call.
Abyss was trying to escape but a ref stopped him. He told Abyss to get to the ring for his match. Jeff was in his old-fashioned mobile home style locker room with the barbed wire bat.
Abyss slowly made his way tot he ring. Jeff Jarrett then came out with no entrance music.
Abyss v Jeff Jarrett (No Contest)
Abyss with a Side Slam. Jeff kicked out at two. Abyss went for a Corner Splash but Jeff got the boots up. Jeff flew off the ropes, into a Chokeslam from Abyss. Abyss missed the Elbow Drp and Jeff punched away. Abyss reversed the Irish Whip. Jeff was able to hit two Strokes, the second into the steel chair. Eric ordered Jeff to get the bat. Jeff drew back with the bat but changed his mind. Jeff threw down the bat in defiance. Eric used teh stick to call for help. Eric called out Desmond Wolfe, Tomko, Rhino, Homicide and Raven. They rushe dthe ring and took out Jarrett. They then beat the tar out of Abyss. The Goon Squad held Abyss as Eric strolled to the ring. Eric was just about to tear off Abyss’ mask when Hulk Hogan’s music rang out. Hogan looked seriously ticked off. Hogan grabbed the stick and said he had this. Hogan told Abyss to get back to his office. Eric looked ready to wet himself at the look in Hogan’s face. Hogan left the ring and everyone seemed confused.
Abyss was surrounded by security as the Monster
went to Hogan’s office.
Jay’s Thoughts: This was the lead-in to one of the stupidest segments in wrestling history. More on that in a moment. As for the match, it wasn’t squat. Yawn.
Brutus Magnus and Rob Terry (finally announced as the Global champion) came out to face the returning Beer Money. No Boozer Cruizer, this week. They also had new T-Shirts.
Beer Money d The British Invasion
Brustus with a Side Headlock. Storm sent Brutus to the ropes. Storm blasted Brutus with a straight fist. Rob with a Clothesline on Storm. The Brits double teamed Storm. Rob with a Bulldog Powerslam. The Brits kept tagging bback and forth. Rob with a Poewr WHip and a Corner Splash. Brutus blind tagged in. Storm Floated Over a Scoop Slam and hit a Jawbreaker. Roode took the tag and hit FLying Fore-arms and an Anderson Spinebuster. Beer Money double teamed Rob Terry, who rushed in. Double La Bandera Clotheslines for the Brits. Roode Back Body Dropped Storm onto the Brits, who were on the outside. Back in the ring, Beer Money took out Brutus with the DWI!
Jay’s Thoughts: The tag team division is in shambles, right now. It’s time for a good old-fashioned tournament to determine the number one contender to the tag belts and set a solid match up for Slammiversary.
Rob gave the microphone to Brutus. Brutus screamed at Rob about being a disgrace to the British Invasion. Brutus claimed he was the superior to Rob. Brutus slapped Rob and took the Global title. Rob got his fill and Clotheslined Brutus. Rob got a massive pop from the crowd. Can we say Face Turn?
Kevin Nash was walking around the locker room. He wanted to talk to Scott Hall and Sean “6-Pac” Waltman.
Abyss was panicked about having to talk to Hogan. Hogan walked in and yelled at Abyss. Bischoff started to come in but Hogan threw him out of the room. Hogan was sick of Abyss being afraid of his own shadow. Hogan wanted to know if Abyss was really a monster. Hogan said Abyss would never be a coward again. Hogan showed his (WWE) Hall of Fame ring. Hogan said it was the only thing that ever loved him and never left him (snap to Linda). Hogan gave the ring to Abyss. It was the power of the universe. If he comes out in a Green Lantern outfit, I’m going to stop watching TNA, I swear. Hogan wanted to make Abyss “a God”. Abyss slid the ring on and claimed he felt the power. Abyss underwent a personality change in the office. Oh joy.
Jay’s Thoughts: So, Hogan spits in the face of the WWE Hall of Fame by giving his ring to Abyss? The ring means nothing, but Abyss is the Hal Jordan to Hogan’s Abin Sur. (Bonus points if you figure out that little reference. smile). That had to be the dumbest thing I’ve seen in wrestling and I’ve been around wrestling for nearly 40 years.I so expect Abyss to start showing up with a Red Anarchy “A” with a yellow, circular under-lie. I expect his to start wearing red leather drawers. Flair passes the torch to Styles (makes sense). Hogan passes his to Abyss? Really?
Daniels walked out for the next match. His opponent was Kurt Angle. Kurt rose from the depths of the Impact Zone, ready for war.
Kurt Angle d Daniels
Daniels jumped Kurt with kickes and punches. the ref kept pulling him back. Kurt started to fight back but Daniels hit an Open Palm Thrust. Daniels with a Sunset Flip but Angle turned it into the Angle Lock. Angle Grapevined the leg and it was all over.
Angle called out Ken Anderson. Angle admitted that Anderson did beat him on Sunday. Angle showed off his dog tag. Angle was ticked that Anderson had disgraced the tag by throwing on Angle. The crowd busted loose with a “U-S-A” chant. Angle broke down, talking about his divorce, arrest (on false charges). Angle actually began to cry. Angle said after he got out of jail, he went to an appearance at Fort Hood, Texas. He was touched by all the people I met. A soldier came up to him and said that he still believed in Kurt. The soldier gave a tag to Kurt with an inscription called “Warrior”. Kurt read the poem. It ended with a comment about “The One Warrior” who will bring them back. Kurt wants to be that warrior. Kurt said that Anderson made the soldiers bleed when he used the tag to cut open Angle. Anderson spat on the tag, after the match. Angle felt Anderson spat on the U.S when he did that. Puh-lease. Angle ranted about taking all the blood from Anderson. Yawn.
After the break, Anderson came out and mocked Angle to sucking up to the fans. Anderson said the tag was only a tool to carve Angle up. Anderson said he liked to carve people up. Anderson invited Angle to come get some. Angle left the ring and walked slowly towards Anderson. The two started fighting on the ramp. Anderson punched the neck of Angle and the face . Anderson struck the stitched area of Angle’s head. Anderson told Angle “Welcome to Total Non-Stop Anderson…Anderson!”
Jay’s Thoughts: Ok, this will not be a popular view…The Angle All-American crap makes me want to hurl day-glo. I understand the Olympics are happening and the troops are still fighting. I respect the troops, don’t get me wrong, but I’ve never been a rabid flag waver (other than my prized Texas flag from the World Class video). Anderson v Angle doesn’t need this kind of cheap feud gimmick. It insults me to have them use that silly over-sized dog tag as some kind of Holy Grail. Give it a feakin’ rest.
JB tried to talk to Samoa Joe in the locker room. A white van pulled up and some dudes jumpes out and threw Joe in. The van took off. By the size of the guys, I’m thinking a Samoan Intervention.
Kevin Nash and Eric Young made the way into the Impact Zone. Nash was obviously angry. Nash talked about becoming friends with Hall and Waltman, 17 or 18 years ago. Nash bought a black suit, 10 years back, because he expected to have to bury one or both of them. Nash said he had carried Hall and Waltman for years, but no more. Nash invited them to come to the ring and see him. He said he would be waiting. He was the big grey-haired son of a b*tch in the center of the ring.
Waltman and Hall made their way through the crowd. Erkc slid out of the ring and tore into Waltman. Eric pounded the Hell out of Waltman. Hall threw the toothpick in Nash’s face. Nash popped Hall but the security squad showed up to stop things. Nash shoved security aside. Hogan walked out onto the ramp. It all came to a halt as Hogan and Nash looked eyes. Nash screamed “Next week. Next week, it’s on!”
Final Grade: B-
Final Thoughts: I originally thought that Joe was goind to undergo a Samoan Intervention. I ran the idea past a few people after my first draft of this column. A few friend noted that one of the guys was in shorts, ala Raven. I would imagine that it’s Bischoff’s Boys to the “rescue”. Whatever. Joe really needs to jump to the WWE. He’s run his course in TNA. As for the Hogan/Abyss thing, I am still insulted by the angle.