“Canada’s National Treasure” Plans To Officially Thwart Hacksaw’s Return to Pittsburgh
By Trapper Tom, Ring Announcer/Wrestling Journalist
On “American” Thanksgiving, it was announced that Canada’s Royal Trust will honor a Keystone State Wrestling Alliance (KSWA) Megastar with a prestigious award during next week’s FanFest/Toy Drive. [Canada’s Thanksgiving was celebrated on October 14.]
The Honourable Liam Duchesne, Lieutenant Viceroy of Québec and representative of Her Majesty’s government, will be on hand to officially proffer Nicholas Crane the title of “Canada’s National Treasure.”
In what is promised to be a gold-plated presentation, Duchesne is set to travel from Canada to present “His High Nastiness” with the Lieutenant Governor’s Medal for Exceptional Merit. “What a better way, and what a better time, to honor Montreal’s most pristine export with this award, at FanFest/Toy Drive 2014,” said Duchesne. “Colonel-in-Chief Nick Crane is a shining star of Westminster-style parliamentary democracy.”
It was already announced that Crane would take on the legendary “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan in a one-on-one, “USA vs. Canada” match. Duchesne said that Crane will easily dispose of the American flag-waving Duggan. “This will be the top story all over Canada,” he continued. “Canada will forever be on top of the USA.”
Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper is said to be delighted with the presentation. In addition, representatives from Montreal’s Mayor, Denis Coddere, boast that Montreal has been around for nearly 4,000 years and has only had 44 mayors. They say that Montreal “gets it right,” while Pittsburgh Mayor Bill Peduto is the 60th mayor of his “baby city.” Pittsburgh, by contrast, was founded in 1758.
Duchesne says that Crane is a worthy recipient of St. Edward’s Crown, a model of Canada’s military source of authority. “No one better exemplifies Canada and Montreal’s 19 neighborhoods, including Old Montreal, Chinatown, Gay Village and Latin Quarter.”
In addition to being extolled as Canada’s National Treasure, Crane will officially receive a Sovereign’s insignia of the Order, from Queen Elizabeth II herself.
Born near the shores of Lake Louise, “Nasty” Nick Crane has been a leader inside the squared circle since his debut on April 7, 1990. At 6’0” and 240 pounds, Crane has long been a standard-bearer for Canadian fitness and athletic resolve. On May 20, 2000, he made his career-defining debut in the Keystone State Wrestling Alliance. While he has never held title with Pennsylvania’s premier professional wrestling promotion, Crane has always been on the cusp of gold greatness. He has groomed many youngsters in the KSWA and has been a constant inspiration to his tag team partner in Mercenaries, Sniper.
In September 2010, Crane was named the “Secretary of State for Professional Sport” in his homeland. It’s a position he holds to this very day.
In 2012, Montreal’s Botanical Garden unveiled a Carrion flower in his name, dubbed Odiferous d’ Crane. Nearly all of Montreal’s 1.6 million residents have relished the honor.
In 2013, Crane broke Canadian tradition and was deemed Montreal Community Cares Foundation’s “Hero of the Month” twice. His first appearance was in March, after he and Sniper defeated Joey Quervo and Super Ginger in the first round of the Joe Abby Memorial Tournament. Then he appeared in June, after he and Sniper defeated Justin Sane and Lord Zoltan by count-out. The achievement has decidedly on-par with the Montreal Canadian’s 24 Stanley Cup wins, noted by none other than Maurice “Rocket” Richard.
Crane’s philanthropic achievements have also been well-documented. As 20-year pitchman for The Royal Canadian Mint, Crane has donated dozens of dollars to needy charities. Meanwhile, a statue is planned outside of the Bank of Canada. Fine Art America has reportedly commissioned a postage stamp with his likeness.
The “Canada’s National Treasure” presentation will be an added extra event during FanFest/Toy Drive 2014 at the Teamster Temple, 4701 Butler Street in the Lawrenceville neighborhood within the city of Pittsburgh. Bell time is 7:30 p.m. Fans are encouraged to bring new, unwrapped toys for donation to Allegheny County’s “Holiday Project.” Call 412-726-1762 for more information. Card subject to change.