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WRESTLING COLUMNS

Grandad, Take me to Wrestlmania
March 11, 2004 by Just S


Wrestlemania XX, where it all begins... again. I have already ordered WMXX. I ordered it before Brock challenged Goldberg, before Undertaker was buried alive, before 'Cowboy' Bob Orton got Mrs Orton pregnant and the WWE was set upon by Randy. Hell I ordered WMXX right after WMIX you remember the one right? It was held at Caesar's Palace and everyone wore togas, good times. Back then I though every Wrestlemania should include togas but alas it was not to be, that was the last time togas were worn at a Wrestlemania event, coincidently it was the last time Hogan appeared at a Wrestlemania too (up until WMVIII where he did the job for the Rock. That night in my lounge room in honour of Hogan returning to the granddaddy of them all I sported a toga for the first time in nine years. Thank you WWE for the memories).

So I said to myself, "everyone else gets to write about WMXX why can't I". I decided not to complain and instead started writing Foley style. No I didn't just write it longhand, I actually wrote it in the Margins of 'Foley is Good' while I was at the hairdressers and then typed up later by my editor. I have just written a few ideas down about each match and some of the decisions behind them. I can't claim that my ideas are good or even interesting but I will say that most of them are mine. (Editors note: Just S hairdresser Gusto Franks wrote the bit about Hogan and Austin, apparently Hulk Still Rules) It should also be noted I did include a spoiler or two so if you don't know any of the big news about WMXX read my article the night AFTER you watch it.

Triple H vs Chris Benoit vs Shawn Michaels: World Title Match:
I would like to say this match is wrong. Poor Benoit he wins the Rumble, gets a push, moves to RAW and then cops it up the ass because Kliq 2000 want to be in the main event at the biggest PPV since Wrestlemania II ("Adorable" Adrian Adonis V Uncle Elmer: My all time favourite Wrestlemania moment) To tell the truth I'm surprised Benoit is still in the main event. I felt for sure Michaels was going to injure him with one of those devesting PUNCHES he was throwing two weeks ago. I think the main event should be a singles match. Maybe Michaels should have beaten "The Game" at the Rumble then you could have had Benoit vs Michaels for the Title. But I guess if I was sleeping with Stephanie I would like to get something out of it as well.

Eddy Guerrero vs Kurt Angle: WWE Heavyweight Title Match :
I like this match. Guerrero is just a great presence in the ring and on the stick and now that Kurt is back to being a heel things are going gold. Not only that but their feud is benefited by the addition on the Heavyweight title. I just hope that this is the beginning of their feud and not their end. The one downside is with Daddy's little angle being the RAW main event I think Eddie and Kurt will be playing second fiddle this time.

Brock Lesnar vs Bill Goldberg: (Steve Austin as referee):
Again great match but the guy cutting my hair doesn't think Austin should be involved in this match. Not because he's a washed up old redneck. He thinks he should have his own match. I'll let him tell you about it later. As for me this is turning out to be a classic "loser and winner" leaves town match. I just can't wait to see who wins.

Mick Foley & The Rock vs Randy Orton/Batista/Ric Flair:
For starters I don't think Flair should be in this match, then again I don't think Batista should be either, nor Orton. Um if I go on it will just be the Rock standing in the middle of the ring doing stand up comedy and plugging his new movie. In truth maybe having Foley back wasn't a great idea and having him feud with Orton is terrible. As I was writing this I was trying to come up with a comparison for the Randy Orton Legend killer gimmick. The only thing I got was the Doink face turn. Moving on.

The Undertaker vs Kane :
This is another good match but I do have a slight problem with how it was booked. (SPOILER ALERT) Maybe just maybe Paul Bearer could have returned earlier and warned the Kane his brother was back from the dead. Instead Kane has had to carry the whole angle himself without any help from the Undertaker. At least the little mind games on RAW have looked cool although I do fell a little foolish when one of my hero's return is signalled by the colour purple; Because nothing spells fear like PURPLE RAIN.

The Big Show vs John Cena: United States Title Match:
This match would be good if it was move like David vs Goliath. But this is the WWE and it's not. In fact I believe Cena is 3 - 0; He has never been beaten by the Big Show. They are billing the Show as the underdog. I just hope the Big Show crushes Cena like a bug. Not because I want Cena to lose just because I would like to see Cena fight for something next time.

Booker/RVD vs Dudleyz vs Jindrak/Cade vs La Resistance -Tag Title :
This match doesn't need to be here instead I'd rather see Booker T and RVD fight each other. And having Jindrak and Cade at Wrestlemania, Ugh that's wrong.

Rikishi/Scotty vs The APA vs Benjamin/Haas vs Bashams -Tag Title:
This match doesn't need to be here instead I'd rather have my genitals steam rolled than watch Bradshaw and Rikishi wrestle in the SAME match.

Christian vs Chris Jericho -Grudge Match :
If I could pick fault with this one it would be that the timing is off. They should spit up at Mania not start there pissy feud there.

Chavo Jr defends in the Cruiserweight Open:
This match will be good but again I do have one small thing I would like to say. I don't think this match should have a title defense. I think I should be a vacant title and all ten cruiserweights trying to be crowned champion. As it is Chavo is likely going to be pinned last meaning he will dominate the match. That is WRONG. One Guerrero per WWE card please.

Victoria vs Molly Holly -Hair vs Title Match:
Down to the fillers of the night. If Vince had any sense this match would take place on heat. As it is I don't care what they do Molly regains the title or has a hair cut. During this match I think I'll re-fill my snacks and take a piss. After all it's a 5 hour show.

Torrie & Sable vs Stacy & Miss Jackie -Playboy Match:
You know what's sad? This match is the best-booked match on the card. I don't have huge interest in what happens, as I believe the last few minutes will tell most of the story. But following some news to hand Sable may turn on Torrie following the shouting match they had this week over who was the bigger slut. Apparently Vince had sex with both of them to settle the disagreement.

Stone Cold Steve Austin vs Hulk Hogan:
Hulk Hogan needs to be at Wrestlemania. Its just not a Wrestlemania without him. As a matter of fact every Wrestlemania between WMX and WMX7 I stuck a picture of Hogan on my television so that the legend himself was in the ring for every match, and backstage forever interview. And you know what I'll be doing it again this year. Dam you Vince dam you to Hell. If he fought Austin he would let Hulkamania run wild on the rattlesnake and drop the leg for the 1 2 3. Hulk Still Rules.

That's a wrap up of Wrestlemania XX. I hope you all read this far and enjoyed my ideas. And besides Gusto's Hulk Hogan tribute you thought what I had to say was refreshing and informative as well as sexy, very, very sexy. Tune in later when I have something else to say.

by Just S..


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