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WRESTLING COLUMNS

OWW Editorial: Some Zest From The Quest
May 9, 2005 by Kirsty Quested


OK you lot. Listen and listen good, 'cause I'm only gonna say this once. Oh who am I kidding? I'm going to keep saying it until the next Ice Age because, grasshoppers, you AREN'T PAYING ATTENTION. It is genuinely distressing to begin an Editorial with a bone to pick, but I want to get this out of the way and move on to pleasanter topics. This goes out to, unfortunately, my beloved band of OWW Columnists. You're ignoring the 9th Commandment. The Three Week Rule!

Some of you are continuing to ignore it even after I've emailed you rejecting an article explaining why. Now don't get me wrong. I LOVE that you're so enthusiastic, that you have so much to say. It's great! But the 9th Commandment exists for a very good reason - we like to keep authors evenly spaced in the Columns section so that it's not dominated by any one person. This way everyone gets an equal amount of time in the spotlight. So please, in the name of God and all his little seraphims, LEAVE A THREE WEEK GAP BETWEEN ARTICLES. If you really feel you can't go this long without giving voice to an opinion, by all means write it down. But please don't send it to me! Mark it on your calendar: "Email to Kirsty on this date" but please, please, adhere to the three week rule. You don't want to see your Editor cry do you? No? I didn't think so. I sincerely hope that this is the last you'll hear from me on the subject. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming. Thank you, drive through.

To highlight the Columns section in a more positive light, I've been enjoying reading your opinions on the upcoming Draft Lottery. Articles by Jack Malone, Phil C. and Frank Janisch have generated some interesting responses and have underscored the importance of the upcoming Draft. Who else here thinks that they should send Triple H to SmackDown!, just to prove once and for all that RAW is not simply the Triple H Show? But to return to the subject of Draft articles, I should also point out that we're not accepting any more. The three that we have present a fairly diverse point of view and we don't want to flood the Columns section with Draft articles. Additionally, the subject of the Draft and all it implies comes perilously close to breaking the 5th Commandment (No WWE Analysis) so if you want to voice your opinion on the upcoming Draft, may I suggest you do so in feedback to any of the three currently up.

On other topics, Joe L.,s vituperate diatribe on Jim Hellwig (a.k.a. The Ultimate Warrior, a.k.a. just plain Warrior) proved that not all Republicans are as fanatical and egotistical as this hardcore fundamentalist. Have any of you visited his website, www.ultimatewarrior.com? The guy's a fanatic! And I very much doubt he's got all his dogs barking. If you're in the mood to untangle extreme conservative prose that is harder to read than any Shakespeare masterpiece, toodle on over there and have a look. Warrior is a big fan of buzzwords that I'm absolutely sure he's not fully aware of their true meanings, as he often uses them out of context. If anything it should provide you with a giggle...

Katelyn F., one of only a very few women writers here at OWW, penned a well-thought-out article on the demise of the Women's Division She hit the nail on the head as far as I'm concerned. I will never understand the WWE's thinking in letting go such talent as Molly Holly and Gail Kim, leaving us with an increasing number of watery bints with the IQ of a pretzel. The integrity of the Women's Division now rests solely on the shapely shoulders of Trish, Lita, Christy and Victoria. Four girls with skills being overshadowed by a legion of vacuous disgraces to the female gender is just straight out misogynistic. And while I'm up on my feminist high horse, here's another thought. Since all the guys are treated to the Divas prancing about in Bikini Contests, I absolutely demand, on behalf of all straight female wrestling fans (and the gay men too, if there are any!), that we should be allowed to ogle Batista in a G-string. I know the WWE justifies its divas-in-bikinis by pointing out the legions of male fans, but I should like to counter by saying that wrestling has a large female audience and if the guys get to ogle mostly-naked girls then we should get the same. Equality! Actually it doesn't even have to be a G-string. Hands up all girls who drooled over Batista and Triple H in dress pants and no shirt...

It was great to see an article by the son of one of wrestling's legends. If you haven't checked out the article on Dick "The Bulldog" Brower, by his son Bulldog Jr., then I suggest you do so, it's well worth the read. So is James Greasby's column on the European Championship. And may I also say, I have to give props to James for getting up, dusting himself off, and swinging a leg back over that horse after it dumped him in the dirt. I know his confidence took a knock after Layden Rose's nag of a horse bucked him off, but this article proves once and for all that James isn't going to let some ignorant, immature beast get the better of him. As Eisenhower once said: "It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog." Well done James.

In my last Editorial, I mentioned that I had not made up my mind who to choose for the subject of my next biographical article; Kevin Nash or Chris Benoit. I've decided on neither. Oh don't worry - I will get round to them. Something else popped up and I just couldn't resist. OWW will soon have its first collaborative piece - Dave Hanson (of the notorious "Undertaker Must Lose At WrestleMania" article) and I have decided to join forces on an epic piece. About whom? I hear you ask. You'll just have to wait and see. My sadistic side kicks in yet again...

With WrestleMania 21 behind us, the WWE launched its WrestleMania Revenge tour. The SmackDown! crew spent two nights in Dublin, Ireland, selling out The Point arena, which just happens to be managed by (among others of course) my sister Josie. They were there last year too, but to my annoyance Josie did not pay close attention to who she was talking to or what they were doing. She's not a wrestling fan, is Jos, and is jaded about celebrities in general. Little sis was under strict instructions this year. I quote directly from an email I sent her:

"Now I don't want you flapping about being unprofessional and asking the wrestlers for autographs, but I do expect you to remember WHO you talk to - if you do talk to any of them - as well as every expression on face, nuance of voice, and of course, the whole conversation VERBATIM. Otherwise I don't want to hear about it!"

Darling child, bless her heart, she tried her best. Here is her response:

"Now, I don't know if you're gonna be mad with me but I don't really know much in the way of names. I did see parts of the Undertakers bouts both nights. Can't remember who he fought the first night but he fought a black guy in yellow gear with a small afro the second night. They ran an hour over time in the first night and I think were given a talking to by the promoters, so on the second night they seemed to just cut it short. The Undertaker was fighting last on the second night and what seemed like half way through the match, they rang the bell and announced that the Undertaker had won by way of disqualification of his opponent. There didn't seem to be any obvious infringement, so I think what happened was that the WWE guys were told that they weren't to allow it to run on as long as the previous night, and because the two fighters were out there and not looking like winding things up any time soon, the guys at the mixing desk just rang the bell and stopped them. In both fights the Undertaker had his knee hammered at and left the ring limping and he did his whole kneeling down in the middle of the ring to the sound of those bells tolling at the end of his bouts. Very dramatic. The only other name I picked up on was a guy called 'Zina' or 'Sina', wearing below knee denim dungaree things. His fight on the second night was very dramatic. He won the bout and then before he could leave the ring was set upon by a tag team and there was blood all over his face and lots of dramatics. He then had to be carried out while the tag team guys swaggered out. One of the tag team guys wore yellow speedo pants, had a bit of belly and short mousy hair, and looked a bit old. He was definitely a heel and got lots of boos. One of his entrances he came out in an Irish leprechaun outfit, then tore it off and proceeded to abuse the Irish public. He said that the Irish looked as stupid as what he did in the leprechaun outfit, that the women were skanks and the men no better. All very amusing! So I don't know if you'll be able to identify any of them from those descriptions but that was all I was able to pick up in between being run off my feet. I also had to go through the backstage area a bit and when the wrestlers were warming up they'd take up a bit of room and quite a few times I had to squeeze past their sweaty bodies to get where I was going. Some bloody size some of them when you see them close up, and serious muscles! Wow!"

I was going to offer chocolate fish to anyone who correctly guesses who she's talking about, then I decided that would be insulting your collective intelligence. However, Jos, if you're reading this, I just want to say thank you for taking the time to pay such close attention, I know how busy you were. Envious as I am, I'm also extremely appreciative. Props to ya Jos, thanks darlin'!

To everyone who emailed me in regards to my quest to obtain WrestleMania 21, thank you! I finally got to see it - in fact, I organised a Boys Night with a few of my husband's mates who are fans. Projector, big screen... almost as good as being there. Having said that, I was disappointed to see Rey Mysterio and Eddie Guerrero engaging in a mat match. Of course, this was entirely due to Rey constantly losing his mask. The lesson for Rey is simply this: don't try out a new mask on the biggest pay-per-view of the year! Go with what you know. We (the fans) don't care what you wear on your head, and we certainly don't want to see you adjusting it every five seconds when you could be flying through the air. Bret Hart once said one of the biggest no-no's in pro-wrestling is to allow the TV audience to catch you "talking" (calling spots, checking to see if the other guy is OK) and I caught Eddie and Rey not only talking, but chattering constantly the whole time. I even caught Eddie trying to adjust Rey's mask for him!

For sheer spine-tingling, lift-every-hair-on-the-back-of-your-neck WrestleMania moments, nothing beats seeing Triple H played out live by Motorhead. I love Hunter's theme music anyway, and seeing him come up through Motorhead before heading to the ring is something I can't watch enough.

I shan't be missing any more pay-per-views now that I have Sky, beginning with Backlash. I was relieved to see Batista retaining his title, as I had a nasty feeling that Triple H's influence may well have seen him telling wifey "Fine, I'll drop the strap, but I want it right back!" Then again, I shouldn't pre-judge Hunter. He probably has the best interests of the entire product at heart, at least I hope so. It seems his feud with Batista has run its course, now that he's been eliminated in the first round of the Goldrush Tournament. I was aching to see Triple H tap out to Benoit (who's overdue for a proper victory, and beat all to hell as well), but Batista holding the rope just out of Hunter's reach was the icing on the cake. Batista, I feel, was trying very hard not to genuinely guffaw.

Speaking of the Goldrush, I'm going out on a limb here and predicting that Edge will win. He's the only heel to have made it to the next round, and babyface title matches are a rarity these days. I feel quite certain he will be the next thorn in Batista's side, and I believe they'll work well together. I don't think HBK will get a shot at the strap, despite that astounding match with Shelton Benjamin. That sweet chin music almost took Shelton's head off, and I don't think it's going too far to say that even Shawn was a mite concerned at how much impact that kick had really had.

On the subject of Shawn Michaels, I thoroughly enjoyed seeing him tag with Hulk Hogan against Hassan and Daivari, however predictable the outcome. Does anyone else feel like Shawn's slowing down? Granted, he will be forty in July, but if you look back at the storylines he worked with Bret Hart in the nineties, he seems to be showing his age quite noticeably now. Speaking of Muhammed Hassan, will someone PLEASE give this guy a decent storyline to work, and a spot on a pay-per-view, so he stops this incessant whining? Send him to SmackDown!, I say, and set him up with Kurt Angle. I think they could give each other a run for their money. Kurt needs a decent storyline too, you can't tell me that the Booker T thing will have enough steam to carry it past Judgement Day. Having said that, it's an interesting development with Hassan's loyal little sidekick Daivari (who CAN speak English, I saw him!!!) but I can't figure out who they're planning to turn face - if it's either of them. Good luck with that I say. I think it's a stretch to convince any of us that either of those guys can be warm and fuzzy.

With "fuzzy" in mind, it was nice to see Carlito back in action. I just hope this doesn't mean the end of Carlito's Cabana. That would not be cool. And when it comes to people being "back in action," when are we going to see Taker's return? He seems to have had quite a bit of time off after WrestleMania, although he did participate in the Revenge Tour. I'm a bit concerned that Taker's nagging knee injuries may be getting the better of him... and like Shawn Michaels, he's getting on just a little bit. Send him back to RAW, I say, and have him set up a stable. He can run point but limit his actual ring time. The Ministry never really fulfilled its potential (in my opinion), maybe they could kick start something similar...?

When it comes to the Draft, they certainly want us to think that Christian is headed to SmackDown! to challenge John Cena. And while that would make for excellent viewing, I think they'd do better to send Triple H that way and make life hard for Cena. You can't tell me they let him make up that new belt, release his new single and his CD just to lose the title back to JBL at Judgement Day - at least, I hope not. I'm tired of the Cena/JBL angle anyway; imagine the heat generated if Hunter turned up on SmackDown! and really gave Cena his time in the spotlight. On the subject of John Cena, who else laughed uproariously at his "Bad, Bad Man" music video? As a long-time fan of the A-Team (showing my age here) I was absolutely delighted with it.

I must admit to being heartbroken over the current developments in the Rey Mysterio/Eddie Guerrero storyline. Who would have thought that Eddie could be so vicious? You want to shake some sense into Rey for being so gullible (we're pretending this is real here) but Eddie's actions on the latest SmackDown! were unconscionable. The crowd were so shocked they couldn't even boo - I heard one or two lone voices calling "Why Eddie, why?" And this echoed my sentiments exactly. Seeing Rey beat down like that was like watching someone abuse a puppy. Madness. Having said that, I've decided that Rey's Street Fight with Chavo Guerrero ties with Shawn Michael's outstanding match against Shelton Benjamin for my Match Of The Month.

I hadn't thought much of MNM's debut a few weeks ago on SmackDown!, but I'm warming to them. Initially I just had visions of angry white rappers whenever I heard their name, but they're doing well with the push they're getting. Perhaps it was a tad soon to put the belts on them, but they facilitated the heat between Eddie and Rey well, and are now making their way independently. God knows the tag team division could do with a proper push.

Speaking of not getting a push, as I said before, the Women's Division is heading south in a hurry, and this is sad. It's just not good enough to have Trish and Lillian cowering before Viscera. His hulking over the girls and intimidating them will only work if all the gals gang up on the big boy and put him in his place. Stop this chauvinistic bollocks! Power to the women! You go girls!

This is where I leave you, my young padawans. Catch you on the flip side.

by Kirsty Quested


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