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WRESTLING COLUMNS

Kiss My A**, Vince
May 5, 2006 by Avi Krebs


For my first article in 2006, (and it is already May no less) I would like to talk about a club, that is so infamous and so arguably vile, yet it is a club that we, the paying customers, have indirectly been a member of for the past couple of years now. This club is the brainchild of one Vincent Kennedy McMahon.

Its origins can be traced back onto the era that was dubbed the Attitude era of what was then called the World Wrestling Federation. To join this wonderful club, all that was involved was usually some form of being beaten down and to coin a phrase used by Triple H "to within an inch of your life". Hey it is easier on your wallet then buying a membership to Gold's Gym isn't it" From there you get the dubious pleasure of getting to kiss the bare behind of the sixty year old owner of one of the biggest industries in the world. It sounds like a dream come true doesn't it"

Well if your dreams involve getting down on your knees and literally kissing the behind of the guy who basically pays for your employment in front of millions and millions or people watching then this is probably a dream come true for some of you. For the rest of us, or at least for myself, this has been an absolutely morbid experience to watch, simply because it not only takes up roughly fifteen to twenty minutes of air-time which could be used to actually oh I don't know, promote some WRESTLING"

It also can be argued that Vince McMahon gives himself way too much credit for something that I can't really see being all that innovative, or to really to aim where it hurts, all that intelligent a concept. So does that mean Vince is just some over the hill (in most likely more ways than one) corrupt billionaire who traded his brain in for that body that would make the average person blush" Possibly, but you have to admit that if there is one thing Vince is good at; or dare I say it great at, it would be pushing that proverbial envelope as far as it can be stretched. Assuming ratings count for much, which they do in the business sense of it all. Vince is doing something right, or to be more politically correct his trusted monkeys in the storyline creation department which I believe is headed by Stephanie McMahon no less deserves to be praised. As a long time viewer of WWF/WWE programming spanning back to WrestleMania IV, I've grown accustomed to seeing three generations of programming and experiencing a whole assortment of highs and lows. However this isn't your father's wrestling anymore, in fact in regards to some of the angles that have come forth from the brain of WWE you could say it is your little brother's wrestling now. Immature, juvenile, promoting sexuality over ability, promoting corruption over talent, the list could go on forever, but getting back to the meat and potatoes of this article, it is time to take a much closer look (no pun intended) into how and why the Kiss my Ass club has become a staple in WWE programming to this very date, and hopefully answer the more important question of, will the Kiss my Ass club ever be put to rest"

The short answer to that would be not as long as Vince McMahon is running the show. For those who would like to brush up on reading about this demonic concoction, feel free to check out any of the Hall of Shame links on this very site which do an excellent job of recapping previous instances of the Kiss my Ass club. If you've gotten this far into reading this, feel free to breathe a collective sigh of relief or is it really subconscious plea for help"

Now taking a more in depth look into this club is something that no one can really do accurately, unless you were either A) working for the company during the time of its creation, or B) were at least partially responsible for creating this abomination onto the world, like a cave man holding a nuclear weapon for the first time, do you have any idea what you were getting yourself into coming up with this" I'm sure there are times when many of us wish we could have been a fly on the wall when those geniuses (remember, you need a degree and some solid references to become a writer for the WWE) came up with the idea for the Kiss my Ass club, here's how I think, it all went down. Also, this might come across as much more enjoyable if you are able to actually visualize Vinnie-Mac actually speaking these lines.

Fade in, one of the many offices in Titan Tower where a bunch of Vince McMahon's most trusted and reliable yes man are sitting around a table, with VKM himself sitting at the head, his chair is slightly raised higher than his subordinates to symbolize that he is very much indeed above everyone else in the room, but at this moment Vince is not feeling so high and mighty because his company is suffering through a collective degree of writers block, so everyone is brought together and emotions are tense and are ready to pulsate much like the veins on McMahon's remarkably juiced up muscles.

VKM: Is it just me, or are we missing something here" Something that can help take this organization to a place that no other organization in professional sports would dare to go" I want some ideas damnit and I want them now!

Yes Man #1: You are absolutely right Mr. McMahon; we are truly at a loss for words right now on what this company needs. I mean we hoped the whole D-X angle would last at least until 2k4 and we could easily cash in on all the merchandise that would come from that but we know that we have a problem, you are so wise Mr. McMahon, and did I forget to mention that I don't think your hair looks like a toupee.

Yes Man #2: I agree, if it isn't broke, then why fix it" I think the D-X thing cannot last forever; nothing lasts forever, except Mr. McMahon's uncanny ability to provide the world with the best in wrestling and sports entertainment.

Yes Man #3: That's right! We would do whatever we could Mr. McMahon to turn this sinking ship around, we will not go down like the Titanic. In fact, if anything we are more like the mighty ice-berg that was able to take down the unsinkable Titanic, so surely we could find a way out of this rut. Our jobs depend on it; I personally cannot go back to my nine-to-five minimum wage job so we throw ourselves at your mercy Mr. McMahon!

VKM: Wow, you guys really like kissing my ass don't you"

Yes Men in unison: Absolutely! We aren't able to think for ourselves!

VKM: You know, as much as I like having people worship the ground I walk on, I could easily fire you all for not being able to come up with something here. Leaving yours truly to come up with an idea, surely I expected more from you. Luckily I'm willing to save your jobs because I have come up with something.

Yes Man #1: Of course, thank you Mr. McMahon we are forever in your debt.

Yes Man #2: We'd do whatever we were told.

Yes Man #3: nods in agreement

VKM: Well you all like kissing my ass so much, so why don't we actually put that theory to the test"

All three yes men look at each other not sure what to say, their bewildered expressions bring a sadistic smile to McMahon's face

VKM: I think that you individuals should be the first ones to join my new club, the Vince McMahon kiss my ass club! You said you'd do anything for me, so gentlemen I insist, no I order you to kiss my ass!

Fade out, where not a sound can be heard except a few very faint whimpers over Mr McMahon's new theme music.. "No Chance!!...No Chance in Hell!!"

Okay, so maybe that infamous meeting created two things that have become a part of the WWE to this very day. It is a frightening prospect isn't it" Unfortunately, or is a better choice of words fortunately not many of us actually were able to see that little meeting or the end results of it, we would have to wait until a little while later before we would ever have to be put through the pain of seeing someone actually have to kiss Vince McMahon's behind.

Now if anyone out there wants to fill me in if this in inaccurate please do but the first time I remember seeing this take place was when the WWF was in Oklahoma for RAW. Now one thing that has become synonymous with events in Oklahoma is that good ol J.R, Jim Ross usually gets a standing ovation. He also usually gets publicly humiliated in front of his fellow 'Sooners faithful. Without going into painful detail about what happened during this eventful night, for those who have actually had the chance to read through Ross's cookbooks, you'd remember a passage where the man himself described what it was like making history during this night. Ross's own words about what went down can be summed up by saying "Mr. McMahon really does have a magnificent backside, and for those who really want to know about it, he used baby powder which made things just a little bit more comfortable." Feel your stomach turning on you yet" For those who remember watching this moment whether it was live or through a re run of some variation. Technically J.R didn't actually kiss Mr. McMahon's behind, he pretty much had his face pressed into it but I guess that's enough to make you a honourary member so J.R goes down as the very first, and sadly for us out there in t.v land, not the last.

Over the years, other unfortunate people have become members of this elusive club, and then there were others who were able to evade the proverbial bullet. Names such as the Rock, Trish Stratus and more recently one of my all time favourites Marty Jannetty were all on the verge of becoming initiated into the club. Then there were those who were not lucky enough to avoid getting down and dirty on the boss. One such instance includes William Regal. This occurred during the tail end of that whole Invasion angle which was unsurprisingly won by Vince McMahon and the WWF. Regal was given a chance to get back into the company if he willingly did the dastardly deed of kissing the billion dollar behind. He's the only one I can think of who actually did it on his own free will without anyone actually physically forcing him to do it. The look on his face afterwards tells the story. Some people will go to great lengths to boost ratings. To anyone out there who has read his biography, did he actually mention his inclusion into the Vince McMahon Kiss my Ass club by any chance" Again if you saw the deed being done in real time, you'd notice that Regal might be the only official member because he is the only one (as far as I can recollect) to actually kiss Mr. McMahon's behind. From this point on, there was no stopping this ridiculous angle from being shot dead. We would get use to seeing that prize kisser on numerous other occasions. For what it is worth McMahon solidified himself as the prince of Satan himself really getting into this procedure and why not" He's the boss and if anyone had a problem with it may lightning strike Mr. McMahon down right now. Wait, that's another ridiculous angle being done and that's something that could be addressed in another article, which is if anyone is bold enough to want to even try to explain as absurd an angle as the Kiss my Ass club one.

Most recently, two more members have joined the club. Shane McMahon and Shawn Michaels are the newest recruits. Shane-O-Mac got in during WrestleMania 22 and Michaels got in shortly there after. Putting the first instance into perspective did anyone else out there (who wasn't cheering) feel the slightest bit uncomfortable when a son was basically being forced to kiss his own dad's behind" All I can really say about it is hey I'm glad it wasn't me partaking in it. Think Shane got a miraculously larger allowance for going ahead with that farce" As for Shawn Michaels, well those who are up to date with the WWE right now are witnessing the fortification of two dumb angles for the price of one. Here's hoping Michaels gets rewarded with something to make up for what could very well be the twilight of his career. Or maybe he'll just keep making the sporadic cameo appearance that Hulk Hogan makes now and then to help generate a cheap pop.

So now that we are all up to date with the most talked about club that no one wants to join, I choose to conclude this article by saying that Mr. McMahon was at his best when he was behind the scenes, the one calling the matches, giving us the impression that he was just as surprised as us when things were going down out of the ordinary. Now we all are fully aware that Vince is the owner of WWE, and WCW/ECW and probably an assortment of other things that we don't know about. So this is my ultimatum for Mr. Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Please take yourself off of on-air programming, go back to doing what you did best which was commenting the matches or else you will have to collectively pay off every fan you've made suffer watching you take up time that could be put to better use into showing either wrestling or entertainment which are two things that forcing people to kiss your behind do not represent. Perhaps if you're not willing to shell out all the cash needed to pay every wrestling fan out there, then here's an idea that might seem more appropriate and perhaps more enjoyable for you, why don't you get on your knees for a change and kiss all our asses we will make sure to put on the baby powder for you.

by Avi Krebs..


The Lone Wolf wrote:
William Regal does, in fact, mention the angle in his book. He's the one who suggested going through with it all the way, because it made him look like the cowardly heel he plays, willing to do anything to keep his job. When asked if the angle made him umcomfortable, he denied it, saying that William Regal is a character he plays, and Darren Matthews wasn't the one to kiss Vince's derriere.
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