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WRESTLING COLUMNS

Hulkamania Brainwashes Children
October 5, 2006 by Avi Krebs


Editor's Notes: You may have noticed that there are multiple columns up on the website about the rumored return of Degeration-X. If you read a column (ANY column) and decide to send in feedback, PLEASE be sure to indicate which column you are responding to by typing the TITLE of the column in the subject line. Also, DO NOT FORGET to sign your name. Thanks!


Picture yourself at a live WWF or WWE event, the last match has come to its conclusion. The victor is in the ring, basking in the glory of a hard earned win. Well that would be the case for most professional wrestlers past and present. The defeated wrestler, or the more appropriate term would be the one who jobbed leaves the ring either feeling satisfied that they have lost to a performer who beats just about everyone in the business in usually very stoic fashion, or they might be second guessing giving up that potentially rewarding gig as a doctor to join the wacky world of wrestling. Sure the pay may not be as good but the prospect of getting sued as a doctor would look much worse than getting sued as a wrestler. Seriously, a doctor who gets sued loses their license and right to practice medicine and is lucky to not serve any time in jail.

As for a wrestler well they might be able to pick themselves up in an independent promotion or if it was actually still in business, WCW. Then there is that nasty business involving legitimately injuring a fellow wrestler to the point of incapacitation but if that is the case then you should not be a wrestler in the first place. Getting back to my preamble, the winner of the match is still in the ring, doing his routine celebratory posing and strutting around each corner of the ring so that every single person in the arena whether they want to or not, can see this guy flex his pythons, er, muscles. From this point on, anyone who did not leave before the end of the match is now transfixed with what is going on in the ring. As the commentators of old would say, not a single fan is leaving their seat as they celebrate with the victor of the match. Some would ask what this phenomenon that manages to keep twenty thousand plus glued to their seats, how is it that one man could possibly control so many people as if they were attached to invisible strings with this showboating, over the hill, past his expiration date wrestler serve as the puppet master" You see, this is no ordinary man in that ring. The ring that he debatably almost single-handedly helped change the side circus like freak show into a side circus like freak show that millions of people adore and watch. To say that he is a mere man would be preposterous and morally unjust. You see this man has been labelled as immortal as in he is capable of living forever. If this is the case, then why does he look broken down when he performs" If he was like a fine wine he would surely get better with age right" In any event you might be scratching your head thinking okay, who is this individual in question that I am referring to" Or the more probable thought is for me to get on with whatever point I am trying to make. Well wait no more faithful readers because I reveal to you the innovator of Hulkamania, the same Hulkamania that has brainwashed us all at some points in our lives whether we want to admit it or not. Lucky for us, Hulkamania has managed to live on with every cameo appearance this man makes on WWE programming today. For the kids, it is a pie made up of metamorphosis and intrigue that they never expected to see outside of classic tapes and the internet. For the rest of us, it is best to dub this pie simply as "pootang". Yes, this article is about the one and thankfully only Terry "Hulk Hogan" Bollea.

For my big ten article, I thought it would be distinctive to take a few liberties at a man who revolutionized professional wrestling worldwide. To disregard the work of the competitors and adversaries of the almighty Hulkster over time would be an injustice of considerable proportions but when it comes to bringing in the fans, and more importantly the almighty dollar returns that turned Titan Sports into the dynamo that it is today, and helped turn Mr. Vincent Kennedy McMahon from your typical millionaire to your not so typical billionaire then you really cannot look much further than Hulk Hogan. I feel that writing a gripping article about someone who has been covered thousands of times to this very day is a daunting task, but I am hoping to separate my article from all those other articles by expressing my views on why Hulkamania has become such a phenomenon (for a lack of better words). For the record, I am not the biggest Hogan fan but I certainly do not detest or despise him like this article will probably otherwise indicate. As your average mark, I just think that Hogan became the star he is not based on ability, but marketability; I will be the first to admit that getting some form of Hulk Hogan memorabilia was a goal of mine back in the day, simply because I knew dozens of people who would pay good money to take it off my hands. At his prime, Hogan could have been considered the closest thing to a modern day superhero. How father time has eroded the once immortal one to a shadow of his former self is worth noting.

Although his in ring work has seen better days (to an extent) in what seems like eons ago. Hogan has proven that even if his ability and body are on the wane, he is still capable of brainwashing a whole new generation of fans by just stepping through the ropes of any squared circle in the nation. I will address Hogan's remarkable run during his glory days of the eighties and nineties even when he moved on to WCW, as well as attempt to physically dissect in painfully accurate detail a break down to Hogan's four step guarantee to winning a match. Heck it has a success rate of 99.9%. This also includes a bonus follow up summation of the agonizing post match celebration, (something I talked about briefly at the beginning of this piece). Finally, I will conclude this article with a roundup of how I feel Hogan's popularity has proven to stand the test of time as he is still considerably as popular now as he was when he was actually wrestling for a living. So with that all in mind, let us take a stroll down memory lane to a time where many of the readers of OWW might have been too young to remember Hogan's dominance. Yep, we are talking about the crazy period called the eighties.

The eighties was a time that meant different things to different people and when it came to pro wrestling things were certainly on the up and up. The WWF had devoured plenty of territory as well as the independent circuits that had once been in control. With other promotions being left in limbo, its stars or established performers either were taken in by the WWF, or left for dead to fend for themselves but the WWF made sure to pick up the talent they thought they could use and or exploit. That brings us to Hulk Hogan, who during his first run in the WWF was needless to say, one of the top stars in the growing company. With his long blond locks, (noticeable receding hair line not withstanding), a considerably larger than normal stature athlete mould, in peak physical condition, in other words he looked exactly like the prototypical "beach muscle head" who goes around trying to flaunt his biceps in front of all the women and basically challenging or threatening the rest of us beach goers to even try to challenge him to a fight, or maybe an arm wrestle. Now the only difference between Hogan and the stereotype that I just gave is that Hogan never gave us the impression that he spent his time bench pressing nerds, or by having them eat sand or fetch him snacks. On the contrary, Hogan could be considered a defender of all the scrawny, puny, average men out there willing to use his God given gifts for others and not just himself. Hence why Hulk Hogan was not to be considered just another mere mortal, it only seemed fitting that he be considered immortal, mainly because during his heyday with the WWF, he vanquished anyone and everyone the company threw at him. Hulkamania really did make us all feel that it could live forever, and so did Hogan, Vince McMahon and the rest of the creative monkeys at the time because they would milk Hulkamania for every single cent they could muster from it.

Before continuing on with Hulkamania's wild ride through to the nineties I would like to make it known that Hulkamania as it was so to be claimed, was running wild and every single one of us that had so much as caught a glimpse of Hogan on television or through a wrestling magazine were about to witness a transformation that no one was prepared for. We were to not just be your typical wrestling fan, your typical mark, your typical armchair quarter back, we were going to be something much different, than anything else we could have hoped and dreamed to become. We were about to become Hulkamaniacs.

This term, is something you sadly will not find in any dictionary or any other scholarly paper or book. Heck as of this writing, it is not even mentioned on Wikipedia. So how does one define a Hulkamaniac" I think the only correct way to do so is to ask either Hulk Hogan or Vince McMahon themselves, but since I have neither of them on speed dial or on MSN messenger, I will try to give my own brief definition of what a Hulkamaniac is

Hulkamaniac: (Hul-ke-a-main-e-ack) noun; someone who says their prayers, eats their vitamins, does not do drugs or eat Slim Jims. They buy Hulk Hogan memorabilia by the truck load and are sure to show it off no matter who they are around, or where they are. They are able to recite every Hogan promo by memory as well as recall every single victory and title reign that Hogan has garnered throughout his hall of fame career. Hulkamaniacs are also known to refer to people as brother and use grammatical nightmare phrases such as "Whatcha gonna do"" and "Well ya know somethin insert rhyming couplet here'" They are considered a sub group in society where people are initiated in by watching Mr. Nanny, Suburban Commando or any other flick in which Hogan was the star. (See bargain bins at video stores everywhere). They are also known to refer to their muscles as pythons and deck themselves out in bright yellow shopping bag quality t-shirts.

I said I would keep the definition brief, so with that said and done it is time to return to Hogan's exploits as we enter the not too distant past of the nineties. For those who know about what went on at the beginning of the decade, the WWF was planning to go along a different approach. The Hulkster had been at the top or near the top of the wrestling mountain for quite awhile and during this time his popularity outside of wrestling had grown exponentially. You would be surprised to know that he had attracted attention from the big wigs in Hollywood (after an acceptable performance in Rocky III with Sly Stallone as a wrestler called Thunder Lips) and would later go on to star in a few memorial movies. (For those not familiar with these films you can find them all at IMDB.com under the worst-ranked one hundred films of all time.) So while Hogan was making himself some green outside of wrestling, it appears that the WWF could not carry on cohesively without him. Shocking as it may sound; the movie scripts stopped coming in at a maddening pace and the time off had helped nurse the Immortal's ones immortal body so Hogan was to return to the world of wrestling and once again take his comfortable place on top of the mountain. The good times would only last for a few years though as Hogan would leave the WWF after getting a record five championship wins and something along the lines of three-thousand or so victories, mostly at the expense of the Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase. So Hogan was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Well no not really, he just took major bucks and complete creative control by signing with rival World Championship Wrestling basically taking everything with him from the WWF outside of his Real American entrance music.

I personally compare Hogan's two runs in WCW to that of Michael Jordan's first and second comebacks in the NBA. Now with that in mind, Jordan left during his prime, came back a little bit older and still dominated with the Chicago Bulls. Now Hogan's run initially in WCW went quite well as he steamrolled his way to the stop in a matter of weeks, more importantly he was giving WCW some much needed "cred" even if he was among the aging stars of old, the main thing was that Hogan drew people and people spend money. It really was simple economics. Now if we go back to MJ's third tenure in the NBA with the Washington Wizards, well he did okay for himself individually speaking but by this time Jordan was certainly in decline and to ask him to lead a team with a supporting cast of players barely old enough to remember Jordan's dominance a decade before, as well as players who first hand felt the agonizing effects of a MJ put back jumper well then you have a recipe for disaster. However when Hogan made the change from American Hero to Hollywood Hogan yes people were intrigued, yes it put people in the seats, yes it put Hogan back in the spotlight again, but this Hogan was so over the hill at this time that he would have needed medical clearance first to even be allowed back up the hill. In WCW, Hogan had his lackeys from within defer to him so that Hogan got all the glory, but did not have to wrestle nearly as much. On his defense, Hogan's body was damaged goods and wrestling on an artificial hip cannot be healthy. Much like MJ throwback jerseys though, Hogan still drew the cash. Hogan had brought over his most devoted fans from the WWF and had another legion of followers in WCW as well, sure he was not pushing to eat your vitamins and say your prayers, but he was still fronting Hulkamania, and the Hulkamaniacs ate whatever he was dishing out no matter how fair or foul it may be.

If there is one thing about being a Hulkamaniac, it is that you end up being one without even noticing it, the mannerisms which you use to find practically annoying and demure are now part of your morning exercise. You cannot help but call people brother whether they actually are your brother or just some stranger you meet on your way to work. You spend an extra minute or two in the washroom flexing your pythons telling yourself subconsciously that you are a Hulkamaniac before you get back to cleaning the toilets during your 12 hour overnight shift at the local fast food joint. It is not uncommon to be doing this, and it is even less common to be ashamed of it simply because we all drank the same kool-aid at one point in time and this is about as clear to us as red means stop and green means go or the next point I plan to address which is Hulk Hogan's certifiable, undeniable, justifiable four step guarantee to win a match which any Hulkamaniac can list off with ease. Is there any cure to Hulkamania" Probably not, but it does not mean you cannot go on and live a healthy, happy, care free life. Just keep in the back of your mind who you can blame when your hip suddenly gives out one day. It is one of the lesser perks of being a Hulkamaniac.

Using a flashback sequence again, we have all seen this before and when it happens we just feel a tingle of excitement. Sure we know what is going to happen and that no matter who he is wrestling or who might be involved Hogan almost always gets to pull off his big-four before getting the duke and getting to the more important post match posing that always follows his victories. Yes it has been imitated, never duplicated and nobody does it better. I give to you, Hulk Hogan's four step guarantee to win a match (keeping in mind that your results will vary no matter how many times you use the leg drop).

Hulking Up (Also known as completely not selling an opponent's finisher or the end is near): The origins of this concept are sketchy as best, simply because even in Hulk's own biography he chooses to leave out the idea of getting super human strength to turn around what would be a clear defeat into a surprising victory. Well this might have been the case the first time this was done, but now it is something we all come to expect in a Hulk Hogan match. As mentioned, the hulking up begins usually after falling pretty to his adversary's finishing manoeuvre. Hulk usually either emphatically kicks out or just gets up from it as if it did not hurt him at all. Ah, this is where those superhero traits kick in eh" Anyways, the Hulking up process has some depth as Hogan has used different actions while hulking up, the most common ones are either trotting around while his opponent continually smacks him to no effect and some of these guys really wail on the Hulkster to boot, the other common shtick used by Hogan during this phase is just to stand in one spot and take each blow as they come at him, usually he actually sells these ones to a small extent. As Jesse Ventura and the late Gorilla Monsoon would say occasionally, it looks like Hogan is sucking a lot of oxygen out there. Granted they usually said this before Hogan begins hulking up. If this were a cartoon, then the best way to compare Hogan's hulking up is to Popeye after he has had some of his "trademark spinach". In the cartoon, after he gets a taste of the goof stuff, Popeye usually sends the poor sucker to the moon with one hell of an uppercut that would put most boxers to shame. However in the wrestling ring where a scientific phenomenon called gravity prevents anyone no matter how big or strong to actually uppercut someone to the moon, Hogan's counterattack after taking usually a dozen or so shots which would put most people down for the count is...

Finger gestures/Counter Attack: Okay so by lumping these two together, it can be argued that Hogan has a five step guarantee but in hindsight you really cannot have one of these without the other. If you did, then it is highly probable you would end up with the short end of the money (another Monsoon witticism). Long before one Stone Cold Steve Austin made using the finger a trademark, Hogan was and still is the maestro. Much like the hulking up, there has been a bit of diversity here hence why I call it finger gestures. The most common gesture used especially during Hogan's early days was a simple waving of the finger back and forth at his befuddled opponent who had come to the realization that repeated clubbing blows prove to be very ineffective in taking down the immortal Hulk Hogan. (I suggest the use of the ring bell, a steel chair, a sledgehammer, the heavy set fan in the front row, or dynamite.) Another popular finger gesture Hogan used was a more forward gesture of thrusting a finger in a jabbing like motion towards his opponent as if to say, "Hey, this is where I intend to win the match so I suggest you comply or faith the wrath of the almighty Hulk Hogan ha ha!" or something along those lines. The third finger gesture is one that is fairly new and is one that the fans can relate to the most because it is so simple and it has a profound effect on everyone he uses it on. All it involves is the finger being thrust at his opponent in one quick and swift motion; the fans usually respond with a rather profound "you!" when the gesture is complete. In fact, it might be the only thing Hogan does fast enough that if you blinked you would miss it. The guy on the receiving end of the pointed finger usually either cowers in fear, or just stares blankly back at Hogan. Hey how would he like it if other people did not sell his moves for a change"

From here it seems that the finger gestures have an added effect to them which results in the adversary to suffer from amnesia because they always revert back to the club Hogan theory forgetting that earlier on Hogan just shrugged them off as if they were a gust of wind, only this time Hogan retaliates with a block and a punch of his own, this repeats a few more instances with the drone participant trying in vain to get a clean shot in while Hogan blocks and lets the fists fly. With his foe at his mercy Hogan proceeds to whip the poor guy into the ropes and upon the guy's return back to the center of the ring, Hogan is there waiting with step three of his shtick which basically sums up the last bit of offence anyone in the match is going to get. For the Hulkamaniacs out there, these two steps are the most critical based on the fact that they have been the same two moves Hogan has done since the dawn of time and he still chooses to use these two moves to this very day! Some people are more adept to change then others. Those who choose to laugh at the overall silliness that is the finger gestures, remember he did score a clean pin fall over Kevin Nash in WCW using that very same finger he has always waved and pointed. Heck it worked so well Nash hit the mat faster than Tyson does during his tenth or is it eleventh comeback attempt. I also will make a note of recollection that Hogan made a rather emphatic cover to further "sell" that he has more power in his one finger than the rest of us in our entire bodies. Gee thanks for making us feel even more inferior about ourselves Hulk. We are so not worthy.

The Big Boot: Here is where things get very interesting. I believe that Hogan's size sixteen to the face is his actual finishing move, and the leg drop is just an added insurance, icing on the cake, because it looks cooler than a kick to the face, move. If you think about it rationally, anything to the face hurts. No I do not suggest anyone go out there and test that theory but considering how strong some of these wrestlers are, any shot to the face could result in an assortment of unpleasant injuries. A few worth noting are swelled cheeks, gashed forehead, broken nose, broken jaw, cracked retinas, broken or chipped teeth, choking on one's tongue, nosebleed, concussion, or a really bad headache. If the foe is bigger than six feet eight inches then you can throw in damage to the Adam's apple, neck, and chin for good measures. So clearly this is a pretty devastating manoeuvre and in all fairness when Hogan's victim is clocked with one of these, I certainly can understand that they sell it as if they were shot by a cannon because if they were not in the capable hands of a professional, by the end of the match they could very well look like someone who might have taken a beating so severe that they would be unrecognizable to the naked eye. At least they would have severance pay to look forward to, might help finance those cumbersome hospital bills. Now that the opponent is flat on his back and ready to be pinned Hogan proceeds to put the exclamation point on his four-step guarantee and for those of you who do not know what that is I suggest you stop reading right now and find out for yourself.

The Leg Drop: Surprising is it not" Now considering back in the eighties and early nineties, most wrestlers used finishers that are now considered as common as a headlock or a drop kick. Nevertheless much like the big boot that precedes it Hogan has yet to alter his finish and why should he" It has gotten him virtually every single W to date and I am certain he could retire this move so that no one else can ever use a leg drop again. Personally I think the only reason Hogan uses this finisher when the big boot is a more than competent way to hospitalize someone is simply because you got to admire the hang time he gets with the leg drop for one thing, the other more obvious reason is because he is in much better position to pin the guy where as the big boot would result in him having to give his poor back a workout just to scramble over the listless corpse of his downed opponent. It always made me wonder how Hogan's leg drop was so darn effective in putting guys away. I mean if you look at when the late Yokozuna did a leg drop on someone first of all I cringed and personally figured they would have to peel the guy off the canvas yet most of the time the victim of the world's largest leg drop kicked out, although they probably had second thoughts of it since it was followed by an equally painful banzai drop. So with what was already said about the big boot earlier, it appears that there is more evidence towards the leg drop being more for show as oppose to legitimately finishing off anyone, one thing that cannot be argued is that after all these years Hogan still manages to make that leg drop look good, which is a testament considering the rest of his wrestling repertoire is mediocre at best.

So that takes us to a special look at Hogan's overdone, time consuming, you cannot leave until he is done celebration posing. Then again, I think since I already talked about it back at the very beginning so we can move on. Really now one paragraph is enough right"

Only thing left to write about would be just how on earth has Hogan managed to stay popular and recognized after all these years out of the business" Well for starters he has never really been out considering he does make the occasional appearance or even more frightening a thought, steps inside the squared circle to make some of the WWE's latest stars job for him, (I am looking at you Shawn Michaels and Randy Orton). The truth is though that every single fan who pays a ticket to see a wrestling event live will know who Hulk Hogan is if he was to make a cameo appearance. Anyone who watches wrestling from home should also have a pretty good idea who Hulk Hogan is.

For those who are completely clueless on the subject all you need is an internet connection and access to the YouTube website and you will be up to speed in no time on the legacy of Hulk Hogan. Since wrestling is no longer his full time job, Hogan has looked into getting help from his old friend Hollywood to further lengthen Hulkamania. Remember just because he has every average wrestling fan brainwashed does not mean he has a majority of the people in the world under his control. Hogan was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame in 2k5 and rightfully so. No one will argue he was a first-ballot hall of famer and I will even give kudos on him being the one who inducted Mean Gene Okerlund earlier this year. Nowadays Hogan can be seen on the small screen (no they are not Thunder in Paradise re-runs) but an original pilot called Hogan knows Best where we get to see first hand why Hogan's life is better than all of ours. He has a huge house, more luxuries than he knows what to do with. A lovely looking wife who he will flaunt in front of the camera as much as possible (and she knows the difference between fish and chicken), as well as an even more lovely looking daughter who right now is famous for well, being famous and the best thing about his show you ask"

There is no Ozzy Osbourne! The amusing thing about Hulkamania now is that Hogan is using the powers that be to get a new legion of worshippers to follow everything that is grand and wonderful. He is doing this though now through is daughter Brooke. Without turning this into a Brooke Hogan is super fine article, you may have noticed that we have had the privilege of seeing Brooke outside of the syndicated television show and on WWE programming. Yes there was that angle where Randy Orton wanted a piece of Brooke, er Hulk and Hogan made sure that for every time Orton got to touch Brooke, Hogan could add another minute to their big pay-per-view match where most over-under lines had Orton pegged as the victor. We wrestling fans know better though and Orton was soundly defeated. It appears that Brooke is trying to kick start a singing career with her debut CD scheduled to be released in October and since it has appeared on a WWE program surely most wrestling fans will want to pick it up. She may not be Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera when it comes to vocal ability and material sex market value (She is only sixteen), she does have one thing those other former pop-tarts do not have. Her dad is Hulk freaking Hogan! Plus her music actually does have a place in the WWE, it could make a nice entrance diddle for an upcoming diva or better yet maybe could be used when Brooke realizes that her only way to become truly famous is to step inside the squared circle with the best self-sang entrance music since Shawn Michaels. For now though, the WWE continues to plug for Brooke's musical career no matter where it will take her.

In fact, we have been given an opportunity to brace something other than Hulkamania. Do not get your hopes up though because Hulkamania indeed will never die, but now it is all about Brookeamania people (as coined by the woman herself). In other words, those who were Hulkamaniacs can make the easy transition to Brookeamaniacs all for one low price. Hogan has managed to now double the demographics with the wrestling viewers as well as girls age ten-fourteen and guys sixteen-"" believing in Brooke as being a dare I say it, superstar. Now that is much more promising than a small group of hundreds upon thousands of wrestling fans right" Hogan you sly fox you that is brilliant! The only difference about being a Brookeamaniac over being a Hulkamaniac is that you must know open up your eyes and more importantly your wallets to buy anything and everything Brooke. One because sooner or later Hogan is bound to expect her to earn her money the hard way, as in on her own and secondly none of us have a chance in hell of getting as close to Brooke as we could Hulk. Just look at that poor guy who tried to score a date with her on Hogan knows Best. Word is that Hogan wanted to settle it in the ring with the winner getting to take Brooke out on a date but he came to the realization that is much easier to just wave/point a finger and say no. So you win Hulk, I will embrace Brookeamania as if it is the next best thing to McMahon's. Even if Brooke only makes one CD and hits bargain bins in audio outlets around the world and she is left to partake in a series of ventures that prove unsuccessful I will still adhere to Brookeamania. Just to show I am not just using Brookeamania to score my own date with the immortal one's eldest. I officially will declare myself a Lindamaniac (for his wife), a Nickamaniac (for his son), heck I declare my loyalty and devotion to the family's dog if that is what it takes to prove I can be a Hulkamaniac through and through!

Yes you read that right I will be a dogamaniac just because if this experiment to get Brooke a career in Hollywood fails, then the dog might be the next in line for stardom. Lassie has got nothing on this mutt because its master is Hulk freaking Hogan! Plus the dog still gets more screen time on Hogan knows best than Nick.

Is it really possible to explain why Hogan has been able to stay popular and choose to stay so involved in the world of wrestling" Well considering how much I tiptoed over the matter in the previous paragraph one would say that it is not so cut and dry and easy to explain. There could be plenty of different reasons for Hogan's iconic status being as strong today as it was when he actually was sweating it out having guys lay down for him so he can make an honest living getting paid. I think I can come up with a legit explanation using science to divulge the stigma and perhaps allure that explains Hulk Hogan's stranglehold (pun intended) as a staple in not just wrestling but pop culture as we know it plus it makes a mighty fine way to draw this article to a close.

Terry Bollea was given a gift; this gift includes a well toned body and a willingness to take a gimmick that no one before him either wanted or was capable of actually making successful. Okay it also helps that he had the charisma that is necessary to be labelled an all American hero. Now there are many people out there who are saddled with terrible gimmicks and for the most part it either buries them to a point where they never recover or they manage to make something of it and the next thing you know we have another Hulk Hogan on our hands. Simply put, the man makes the gimmick and not the other way around. Can anyone out there picture someone else being Hulk Hogan" Sure it would be fun to dress up in a bright yellow get up, with the matching headband and tights, and the Zellers shopping bag t-shirt that is always ripped in the back for an easy wear and tear feel. We all can stand in front of a mirror and pose with our rippling muscles, blasting the Real American Theme by Derringer from the rustic cassette player because it makes us believe we can be a true Hulkamaniac. Sure it may feel like a guilty pleasure imitating the Hulkster but rest assured that there is nothing to feel ashamed about because there is bound to be people out there that you know (or would never have thought) who are doing the exact same thing. Some may do better imitations than others, and some are more likely to be able to recollect the most obscure Hogan facts (such as him getting trained by a former Japanese pro wrestler or that he met his future wife to be at a bar) but it does not matter because we are all Hulkamaniacs no matter what are age, gender, shape, size, ethnicity, marital status or shoe size may be.

Hulkamania is universal meaning that no matter where you are in this great big world of ours, you can be a Hulkamaniac and stand proud because it sure beats idolizing guys who only use the wrestling business as a stepping stone to other things. (We can forgive Hogan for wanting to diversify his portfolio because we knew that he would come back and resurrect Hulkamania.) So the science behind Hogan's longevity and greatness which has spanned three decades and counting has resulted in generations of fans who will pass on their Hulkamania memories to their offspring then can be summed up by stating that we have all become a victim to this phenomenon which cannot or will not go away and when it comes down to it, cannot be stopped. We all know the truth, which is that Hulkamania brainwashes children. If someone asks me "what am I going to do about it"" I will calmly sit back, relax and offer them a glass of the kool-aid and say nothing because Hulkamania will live forever brother!

by Avi Krebs..


Maxx Misery wrote:
"Listen up all you Dogamaniacs!" I just wanted to say that I loved the column about Hulkamania. You seem to have glorified and poked fun at it at the same time, which is something that is rarely done in these columns. The 4 step victory is great! I for one always have and always will drink the Kool-Aid that is Hulkamania! I would love to see a column this well-done about Ric Flair sometime.
Brent Matthew Denny wrote:
Let me give you a brief history on my love of wrestling. It all started back in 1984-5 with British Wrestling and then one day I was visiting my Uncle's house and he had sky satellite and he had WWF on and while my parents where talking to my Uncle and Aunt I sat down in front of that TV mesmerised and thus my love for British wrestling died and my love for American wrestling/The WWF was born and who was my biggest hero and the man I wanted to be none other than the Immortal Hulk Hogan.

I watched Hulk Hogan and the WWF from that time on and I believed like I'm sure loads of kids do at such a young age I believed that Wrestling was real. It wasn't until after 1991's Survivor Series where The Undertaker defeated Hulk Hogan for the WWF title and people started saying Hulkamaina is dead. That my mum told me the truth about wrestling and the reason she did that was because I was having nightmares because of what people had been saying and because my hero/idol/role-model etc had been beaten.

However despite the fact that from 1991 on I knew the truth about wrestling it hasn't nor does it ever nor will it ever get in the way of my love for the WWF/E or for me enjoying it. An although I've grown up and The Hulkster has admitted that he broke one of the cardinal rules of being a Hulkamaniac by taking drugs early in his career and "turning" on his fans and becoming part of the NWO etc and despite having gone from being a small kid who used to watch Hogan Warrior Savage etc and dreamed of being them. I am now a young man who admires respects and still in some small way wants to be like some of the characters I see on screen.

An despite now admiring respecting and having a lot of other more current hero's like Benoit and Taker I am still a Hulkamaniac have been ever since I first heard his entrance music and saw him wrestle and I probably will be until my dying day.

An despite the fact that I am devout follower and believer in Hulkamaina and I am a pure blooded red and yellow Hulkamaniac I do not believe that Hulkamaina brainwashes children.

This is my personal opinion on what Hulk Hogan and Hulkamaina signifies.

Hulkamaina was and is something for kids to believe in when Hogan used to say "Train, Say your prayers, Eat your vitamins" what he basically was saying was "do good and do the right thing be a good person." An what Hulk Hogan represented and still does represent to me is what you can become if you really work hard and dedicate yourself to something. I'm sure there are alot of people out there who could say the same thing for other wrestlers who are their hero's but Hogan was and still is my hero so I'm saying it for him.

An I personally take offence to somebody saying that Hulkamaina Brainwashes Children because I was a kid once so what your basically saying is I was brainwashed and you maybe thinking "Yes you where and this response proves it" well I don't believe I was what Hulkamaina did for me when I was a little kid growing up was it gave me something to believe in it gave me something to strive for and Hulk Hogan to me represented what I could become somebody who was good somebody who done the right thing somebody who fought for what he believed in somebody who for his friends and had people who respect admired adored and loved him and that was who I wanted to be and that was what I wanted.

An I personally like to think when people chant or when they chanted "Thank You Hogan" what they are basically thanking him for is for wrestling but also for giving them something for them to believe in and for giving them somebody that they could admire respect and want to be etc.

So does Hulkamaina Brainwashes Children" In my personal opinion. Oh hell no brother!
John Nelson wrote:
Hulk Hogan does brainwash children. I liked him as a kid with his posturing and big moves and positive message but behind the scene, even reading about him a little bit and it made my colon clench. This guy is a jerk. He throws his weight around and is the equivilant of a pampered pain in the ass actor or actress who throws tantrums when the slightest thing doesn't go his way. When Vince had enough of him, he invaded WCW a more legit wrestling program and tarnished it with his silliness and after it was sucked dry he moved on but thankfully only for cameos on WWE programming for the most part. Reading the Hulk Killed WCW article (Sorry can't remember the authors name here) I knew I wouldn't be a fan of his ever again and hearing about a Hogan Knows Best episode where his limo driver stops off for him to get some more Kristal, he asks if they, the store have a "Hulk Hogan Discount" What nerve! Bury talent for years to make money, do the same lame manuvers for well over a decade for money, and now your retired, you gotta save a few cents on some liquor"! When the clerk was nice enough to give him one he asked "Thats all"" FEH!! What a freak'in whorebag. I admitadly own a sole piece of Hulk Hogan merchandice, it's his newest Legends of Wrestling figure and he's layed outside of my Classics Cage Ring by Slaughter and Col. Mustafa. Thats pretty much what I think of him.

Thank you and I hope to see it posted soon. Sorry if "whorebag" is upseting to anyone but it's the first thing to come to mind.
Josh O. wrote:
Hi everyone, My name is Josh O (waits for unanimous "hello Josh O") (gets it) and, I'm a Hulkamaniac
wrote:

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