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WRESTLING COLUMNS

The Diatribe: What "Really" Happened on Monday Night
November 5, 2003 - by Michael Carpenter


DISCLAIMER:
These are my opinions, my writing, and non-spoilers. I accept debate and response(s). My report is a little more "in-depth" than some, and it actually takes me 2-4 hours to complete and check it. Hence, I can't JUST deliver this to you RIGHT after the episode goes off air. If you want "1) who beat who, 2) who beat who, 3) a segment, 4) a segment, 5) who beat who" then read elsewhere. These are added with my humorous, but actually more realistic than anything, twists. If you "dislike" what I say about certain wrestlers because "they're your favorite," let me show you my one-finger salute now. Welcome to life. If you haven't entered the real world yet, you better start learning to tolerate other people's opinions or RESPECTFULLY disagreeing and coming up with a BETTER response/solution. EVERYONE has different opinions (everyone that strives for uniqueness that is) and you don't have to cry every damn time when someone doesn't "jive" with you. Overall, if my report is "degrading" to you or ONLY watch it because the guys (or gals) look good, you MAY wanna go watch knitting or the Food Channel instead. In addition, my nickname *above* isn't that for nothing. I emailed WWE (when they were WWF) several times a few years ago and in a persistent fashion - amazingly Percy Pringle and Terry Taylor actually wrote back good emails. Lo behold look what we have today. Have fun reading, open your mind:


BREAKING NEWS: JR CALLS GARRISON CADE "LANCE" FOR THE 2ND WEEK IN A ROW. Yeah, I know his previous name was Lance Cade, but still.

INTRO: YAY, another Raw. I'm so excited, can't you tell (until wrestling starts to improve, you'll receive my forked tongue. Until you start listening to credible fans, your product will continue sinking). Of course Raw always starts off with the showing of the GMs. The vote-for-me mug of Eric Bitchoff and Stone Cold Beer. The most ironic part is witnessing 2 of Vince McMahon's biggest legit enemies in the 90s are now "GMs" under him (and I'm not referring to Austin either). And yes, the intro. Interesting they mention "money" and you see Mark Uncle Henry, gee, wonder why. And again: TAKE THE ROCK OFF. A million + 2 streamers are nailing the Raw set. Hopefully it'll nail JR someday. Slap some WCW sense back into him, when he was a respectable announcer. They say tonight's main event is between Shawn "the Changed Heartbroken Kid" Hickenbottom and Henry. Henry has the 80s generic engraving across his tights saying World's Strongest Man. Yeah, in weightlifting that'll help you, but this is wrestling. They also say there'll be the contract signing between Team Bischoff and Team Stone Cold. I'm sorry, but these "contract signings" (the match IS already official ya know, look at wwe.com) are always pointless. EVEN JERRY "PORNKING" LAWLER said it: You really think they're gonna sit down and sign the contract" There's gonna be fireworks in this one.

Y2J/CHRISTIAN VS. BOOKER/RVD: I'll be damned......we start Raw with.......A FRIGGIN MATCH! A MATCH! A MATCH (later as you read, you'll see why my theory is correct that we HAD to have a match first and it makes more sense than kicking it off with the Bischoff-Austin segment, but I ain't complaining). It'll be "the overall best superstar on Raw now" Booker T. teaming with Rob "potato shooter" Van Damnit (thanks Jericho) vs. ..........gee, ya THINK maybe it's gonna be 2 members of Team Bischoff" Well slap my nuts it is....Y2J Bug and Not-a-Christian. Except these 2 gentlemen come from the audience to attack Booker and RVD. JR of course had to act stupid and ask where they came from. At least we got to see a part of one of the better entrance videos and music today (Y2J). In addition, they just HAD to show last week's footage of Booker receiving a 3-on-1 slobberknocking at the hands of Team Bischoff - including the cage lowering at the rate of an arthritic turtle. They also discuss the RVD - Y2J match from last week, it's fair in JR's eyes they let the match continue because STONE COLD said so *kissing sounds*. The match gets underway and yes, this was one helluva match, even though the referee doesn't notice the blind tags of the heel team, but cost Chris Benoit a match couple of weeks ago because of the illegal man, but that's typical because refs are incompetent anyways. The best spot was Y2J/Christian going for a double backbodydrop on RVD and Booker from out of nowhere gives them both an SCISSORS KICK. It was an awesome spot. NO MATCH involving RVD is without his stepover heelkick, multiple shoulderblock-backflip combination, and the rolling thunder. Y2J and Christian have to be gay by hugging and holding and cuddling with each other outside and Y2J headbutting Christian's crotch. The Ambiguously Gay Duo would be proud. Anyways, JR said digression is the better part of valor. Okay" He said this is a rowdy crowd - my ass. JR/Lawler actually did a decent job tonight which proves my theory: more matches/less segments = good job. Less matches/more segments and divas = bad job, because with segments, they'll be talking about it all night. JR calls RVD a daredevil. He obviously never saw Sabu. RVD is a great athlete, but not THE daredevil. Booker is a 5-time WCW champion according to JR - if this was a few years ago, he'd get in trouble for saying that, in the good ol' pre-internet age. Jericho is a charismatic, yet arrogant SOB according to JR. Lawler had to call him the King of Bling Bling like three times tonight for Jericho. I swear hearing that coming from some southeast guy like Lawler is just...odd. Speaking of Y2J, he's classic as usual, even mocking Booker during the match. We even got to see Christian "salute his peeps" (yes, Lawler's exact words. Stop Lawler, please). The win actually goes to Y2J/Christian with lots of cheating. Y2J pins RVD with Christian holding his leg down. Lawler is imitating Jesse Ventura as he says it's not cheating unless if they caught.

BACKSTAGE: Backstage time and we see Austin walking around and DA COACH stops him in his tracks with the Austin *eh eh eh eh eh* Coach says "yes Austin, I WILL interview you after the elimination match at Survivor Series. Win or lose, but your team is gonna lose anyways." Something like that, but Austin, being the Einstein that he is, outsmarted Coach by saying "if I win, obviously I'm gonna kick your ass. But if I lose, I ain't got nothing to lose, so I'm gonna stomp a mudhole in you anyways." You gotta admit, that beer does wonders.

COMMERCIAL: Joe Schmo...ESPN Basketball game with Reg "80s socks, belt pack, and the unorthodoxED dribble" and Ben "my hair is the same in the morning" Wallace...Brian "can kick Goldberg's ass in real life" Urlacher and the Chicago Bears, yes they're better in the commercial than real life...A new video game: True Crime. The typical driving, fighting, and every weapon on Earth in your possession game. They called it a driving game too. HA...Bowflex showing the peole that REALLY DON'T NEED IT using it.

WWE REWIND: WWE Rewind shows the 4-way women's match last week in that Lita now has a shot at Molly Holly at Survivor Series. WHICH ONLY MEANS the next match, interview, or segment will involve Divas. Well slap me with a breadstick, I was right.

MOLLY/GAIL ATTACKS LITA/TERRI: Terri will now interview Molly "size 45 waist jeans" Holly. Molly tried to be like the Rock as she snatches the mic away from Terri before she can answer one of her questions (yes, you read that correct, Molly asked the interviewer a question). Seems like everyone's ooing about Lita's as the greatest comeback ever. Wrong. That'll be a discussion for another day as it was great, but not the greatest. A slight twist of events as MOLLY ATTACKS TERRI (with JR stupid as usual: what the hell is going on here"). They eventually take their brawl out into the arena and Terri is pathetically rolling down that ramp. She could've EASILY stopped halfway but you can tell she was pushing herself to roll. At this rate, the entire male and lesbian population is wishing Terri get stripped down to her panties. Yes, Terri is almost stripped down to her underwear, breasts popping out and all. Molly is yelling "don't mess with me." Right....so now Terri mounts a minor offense as she nails Molly a few times, but Molly eventually mounts on top of her (and with her rear, you ain't getting up). 3-2-1, the music, lights, and pyro come on for Lita (again, no music please, there's no surprise element). Blah blah blah and a "fan" attacks Lita, only to realize it was Gail "that Korean girl" Kim. I swear Marty Jannetty from Raw 1993 was better disguised than Kim. Of course, the usual double DDT (how MANY times are they gonna do that to her, and how many times are the announcers gonna say "they're gonna break her neck again"). Lawler was actually funny for once and thought JR said "Double D's" instead of double DDT.

BACKSTAGE: We see Austin roaming around. Gee, he's not gonna do anything about what just happened to Lita and Terri" Guess his anti-women behavi...okay, I'll stop. He's got more serious issues as he approaches the locker of HBK - Christian shirt and all. Basically this whole time Austin can't swallow his pride and ask HBK to be the 5th man on his team. HBK was just toying with him the whole time, wanting Austin to UTTER the words "I need you, please be on my team." Austin eventually said "yes I need you." HBK with his Christian-like tendencies teases a "no." The part that COMPLETELY makes no sense is this: HBK says "you have one heck of a problem," walks off, comes back, and says "yes, I'll be your partner." I guess HBK is admitting to Austin he'll job or...something.

COMMERCIAL: Another Survivor Series promo, not bad of a PPV, but needs more elimination matches...the Smackdown Here Comes the Pain game where Brock gets to have Torrie's bra and says "I win." Yes only him, not us stupid announcers as we have to see HIM in bra and panties if it was a bra and panties match...Subway with gay Jared saying "I had Subway, so I won't feel guilty, which means I can bump butts with the next guy..."

BACKSTAGE: The fake trainer is helping Lita. How many times are we gonna see the friggin icepack on her neck" Of course the trainer don't know shit as Lita freely moves her neck. Christian comes in, of course, to check on Lita. As Lita says she's okay, Christian walks off and for those that paid attention for 2 seconds, he was grinning. So hmmm...

BATISTA VS. MAVEN: So onto our next match, we hear the Evolution music and out comes Ric "what the hell is Naych" Oh. So what's Nature Boy"" Flair accompanying Batista the Leviathan to the ring. JR calls him a caged animal that's loose. My ass. If it was a caged animal, Batista would be eating the kids in the front row wearing Hurricane masks. Again, JR/Lawler hype the fact that they've NEVER seen Goldberg in this horrible condition. Gee, let's just forget when Evolution left him in a bloody mess in a cage. They also show LeBron "the real King, sorry Lawler" James at ringside. Which only means *thinks: he plays for the Cavaliers, A-HA* we're currently in Cleveland right now. Apparently the Cleveland Browns are also in attendance, didn't see any players although Lawler mentioned the free safety is in the audience *can't remember name. I think Eric Brown" So now we realize Batista's opponent *drum roll*.........*slouches* Maven......the original Tough Enough promo punk. My mom's a wrestling fan and even she said "this Batista guy is gonna eat Maven for lunch."

NEWSFLASH: NO APPEARANCES BY A HELMSLEY OR A MCMAHON...THIS IS AN AWESOME RAW.

Back to the match as it gets underway, at one point Batista and Maven were out of the ring for WAY OVER 10 seconds. I guess Smackdown Countout rules do not apply for Raw. Batista clotheslined Maven into the next time zone as Maven tried his top-rope bulldog and I caught LeBron on his cell phone. As Batista is eating Maven's leg for lunch (i.e. powerbombing for the 1-2-3), JR says it's a huge accomplishment for him. JR, beating Maven is no big feat.

COMMERCIAL: Another Survivor Series promo, focusing on the 2 wrestlers that Raw can do without tonight (take a guess)...Skittles commercial of a guy throwing Skittles in the air and causing fireworks *literally*, some woman in blue walks up to him and they holds hands to catch the Skittles. Morale: throw Skittles in the air and expect a gorgeous lady to greet you...Tony Hawk's Underground videogame with a bunch of morons yelling for no reason. Nice bands they have these days...Dumb and Dumberer on DVD, wow, I.m just so excited...Stridex commercial with a guy allowing a girl to sit next to him because a guy is blocking the girl's view in the theater. Of course she's one of those "independent girls," so no "hitting" and flirting is going on...Kill Switch, just another one of those shoot everything you see games...are we done yet"

COMMENTATOR RECAPS: FINALLY, back to the arena, Lawler says the Armageddon PPV in December will be held in Orlando. This is the 1st time in 13 years WWE is in Orlando. And yes folks, from what I know, the last time WWE was there was in 1990 - Royal Rumble. Man have times changed as the stars that headlined that card was, get this: Hulk Hogan, Ultimate Warrior, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Big Bossman, Fabulous Rougeau Brothers, Bushwhackers, the Genius, Brutus Beefcake, Greg Valentine, Ronnie Garvin, etc. THOSE were the days. And Lawler, feuding with Eddie Gilbert, back in those days was getting run over by a car in the good ol' USWA (where it was actually shocking to see a car speed by hitting a wrestler). So for those of you that emailed and decided to call me a "young" fan that doesn't know anything and that's bitter, BITE ME as you read this paragraph. I probably know more wrestling, science/technology, politics, etc. than you so go back and eat a tree. I'm not hot-tempered, but when you email me with pathetic comments and insults rather than mature disagreements, then yeah. Face facts: you're calling me names because you're jealous of me *giggles*. BTW, I miss those 80s WWF. They show a preview of the Henry vs. HBK match with highlights that led up to it. All snoozers. Lawler utters belee dat *a la Teddy Long*. Alright, Lawler said King of Bling Bling, Peeps, and Belee Dat tonight. Lawler, just stop, please.

BACKSTAGE: We see Kane roaming around an ambulance. Gee, wonder why. Kane does another eerie interview and you see 2 indy wrestlers, er "EMTs" in a 1st person point of view helping a camera. Like, YOU'RE on the stretcher looking at them. Get it" Kane says Shane will be D...O...A (Dead On Arrival for those that don't know, not Disciples of Apocalypse), kinda like the Undertaker's Rest...In...Peace dialogue. The image of Kane with the lighting and shadows as he shuts the doors were eerie, you have had to see it. Another backstage segment now showing Mark "greener than a brand new soccer field" Jindrak and Garrison "Barry Windham II" Cade showing how confident they have become. *SIGH* I guess you can if you got a victory over one of the greatest wrestlers of all-time last week thanks to a botched Maven clothesline. Flair must be getting old...wait...anyways, they're actually facing the DUDLEYS tonight but they DID say it was a non-title match. No matter how much I think Cade/Jindrak sucks, I think EVERY match involving champions should be a title match. It's ridiculous to have non-title matches. What's the point" You're a champion, defend your title.

COMMERCIAL: A video game with Michael Vick and Terrell Owens. What IS it with all these guys wearing fictional helmets on fictional teams, and Vick (Falcons) and Owens (49ers) aren't even on the same team ("). Must be copyright trademark issues or something...

CADE/JINDRAK VS. DUDLEYS: Next is another one of those "flashback rewind" segments. They show Cade/Jindrak beating Flair/Orton which MUST mean they're up next. Duh. Well, I guess beating Flair grants you a match vs. the tag team champions. I mean, HA, what other tag team is there on Raw" La Resistance" Jade/Kindrak...ERGH, Cade/Jindrak said they already beat them. Out come the 2 smartest humans and animals of the Dudley clan, Buh Buh Ray and D-Von, first. Lawler brought up a good point *pinch me* by asking "since when is New York City Dudleyville"" I guess somewhere on Long Island, that counts enough! Out come Jindrak/Cade. I always wonder why they're pushing Jindrak but not Sean O'Haire" Politics. My mom *again* thinks the Dudleys are gonna toy around with these guys. Buh Buh and Cade went at it and Buh Buh did a really funny move where he was on his knees and basically leg-swept Cade with his hands. It was just hilarious. What was even more hilarious is that we can.t have a Dudley match without a Dusty Rhodes reference. The juke-n-jive Jackson crotch-grabbing bionic elbow by Buh Buh. Cade was bleeding from the mouth during the match and Lawler weirdly said the Dudleys can make you bleed from anywhere (") - that just sounded wrong. Furthermore, Lawler said the Dudleys will do anything to get wood. Lawler praised JR for being on top of his game tonight. That's like saying the San Diego Chargers are on top of their game now, or Cleveland Browns for Lawler's sake. Big Poppa Pump the steroids into me came out with Stacy "5' legs 11" the rest" Keibler. Was it just me, or did Stacy look different" She wasn't wearing "provocative" clothing, almost looked like plain dress pants. Anyways, BPP pressed her in the air *any heterosexual man's dream-come-true, I mean, to press someone where must one of your hands be" Exactly* just to distract the Dudleys. Well, it was enough when Cade gave Buh Buh the lariat and got the 1-2-3!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't have anything to say to that but just shake my head. Oh yeah, BPP threw Stacy through the TitanTron screen and sparks flew everywhere electrocuting everyone. KIDDING *shakes head*.

COMMERCIAL: Spike TV *dumbest name for a TV network* is hosting the Ultimate Guy Vacation. Apparently 10 days in 5-7 different places around the world...Steve Austin did a REALLY candid interview about his gold necklace. He's still wearing the same one *apparently* that Brian Pillman got for him when they were the Hollywood Blondes...more YJ Stinger 2GP energy crap. The only significance to that is Triple H must be on Raw - ONE WAY OR ANOTHER...Stridex and more high school crap. I swear high schoolers get stressed over the most useless issues...

THE CONTRACT SIGNING: BACK to Raw and it's the 15-minute segment time. The CONTRACT SIGNING between Bischoff and Austin. JR says this will be interesting. I say it will be predictable. Austin comes out does the customary one-finger salute to each corner of the crowd. There are 2 mics on the table. He blahs for the longest time with the crowd religiously saying WHAT after every fragment. He said he has beers to drink so let's get this over with. Like this ever prevented you from drinking. Bischoff comes out with contract in hand. Now, since they're BOTH GMs, why doesn't Austin get to see it beforehand" JR calls him a walking stain on an underwear (ok, not bad JR). I'm almost guessing there are new stipulations added to this match. As the crowd chants a-hole, Lawler cleverly asks if Cleveland can't decide whether he sucks or he's an a-hole (harharhar). Bischoff lets Austin know that the 5th man on his team is gonna be the Legend Killer himself, Randall Cowboy Orton. Orton came out and basically said he didn't forget Austin booking HHH vs. Goldberg for Survivor Series. HHH is his thug luva yo! Don't be hatin. JR says he's red-hot right now. Although I slightly agree with that since Orton is a great wrestler, you gotta remember Booker punked him from pillar-to-post. Orton obviously gets aggravated easily to the WHAT WHAT WHAT chants. So far really the only legend he's killed was the longest champion of all-time of 92 years Moolah. From what I've heard elsewhere, Moolah was actually not expecting Orton to give her the RKO. So now that he's done spewing his diatribe, Bischoff speaks again and says if Austin's team loses, he's gone. Gee Bischie, this isn't the first time you fired him. Speaking of that "incident," no Bischie, what Austin said in his book wasn't BS in that you did fire his ass over the phone and fax and any form of medium other than getting into his face. Bischoff furthermore points the obvious that everyone knows already in that Austin's gotta break his DTA principle of trusting these 5 guys to keep him around and so far it looks bad as the Dudleys lost as well as Booker/RVD (hence that's why the segment had to happen NOW instead of beginning of Raw, get it"). Austin eventually signs the contract without reading it (uh-oh). This "contract" was basically a rehash of some memo Tony Schiavone recycled 5 years ago for Nitro. The only good moment through this whole thing is Austin pulling a Scott Hall Survey Time, but only better, with his version of the public poll. Gallup eat your heart out. He wanted to know if Bischoff sucked. Not only did we get a systematic Hell Yeah, but we also had a record 12,000 middle fingers in the air. I'm sure most were holding 2 in the air, so make it 24,000. That HAS to be a World Record. Austin gave a pretty good speech through this whole charade - even looked like Bischoff was crying. So I guess we have it: Y2J/Christian/BPP/Henry/Orton vs. Booker/RVD/Dudleys/HBK. Isn't it ironic that the 5 men Austin is trusting were all major enemies of him at one point (HBK obvious, Dudleys and RVD in the alliance days, and who can forget the supermarket brawl with Booker)" In addition, it's interesting to Henry and Orton team up. I mean after all, it was Henry that wanted the money.

BACKSTAGE: Austin is walking around and none other than Batista bumps into him. Batista pretty much lit a fire in Austin's ass, calling him a coward, etc. Honestly I've never seen Austin fuming this mad before. The look in his eyes. He'll think of something before the end of the show.

RICO VS. STORM: Back to ringside. Out comes Val "earlier this year he was kissing Eric Bischoff's buttlips rather than a woman's lips" Venis with 3 of Cleveland's finest strippers. They currently work at the Cleveland Harem, agents. This WHOLE match, Lawler was proving how much of a pervert he is by saying they're women from Spank TV or something like that (thus proving my theory of announcers not able to call a match when segments or women are around). JR says they don't get Spank TV in Oklahoma, just Sooner football. JR, porn exists everywhere, stop it. Now comes Rico the Freako (thanks Lawler) with Jackie GAYda, and I must say, Jackie looks like she was roaming through the old Brutus Beefcake wardrobe library with the cut-up outfit she was wearing. She may not be a good wrestler yet, but she makes a good ringside eye candy I suppose. Now comes Lance "Smoother than Silk (thanks JR)" Storm. Now wait, who's wrestling who here" Apparently Venis and the ladies are at ringside while we have a match between Rico and Storm. Gotcha. Of course JR has to prove to the world how much he knows the past of wrestlers (apparently he does if he calls Garrison Cade "Lance") by saying Rico is a former American Gladiator and a Las Vegas cop. Again, I don't know if I want someone like Rico telling me to spread them. Jackie sure, but not Rico. Lawler, clever as usual, informs JR not to forget that Rico is also a freak. Rico has lots of good skills (the kicks, modified sleeper, etc.), but he's sorely underused at the moment. As I said, this whole time Lawler said the 3 women with Venis were "film stars." I'm REALLY starting to think this guy honestly never gets any. ONE woman, ANY woman that walks by Lawler and he literally gets an erection through those white tights of his. Geez...that's one thing, but to spas worse than Jeff Hardy's fanatical entrances and uttering puppies every 3 seconds is a little...excessive. The end of this match came with the AWESOME Maple Leaf move of Storm. The way he backflips and his opponent gets trapped in it is fluid. So FINALLY we find the point of why Venis was at ringside the whole time. He lets the ladies in the ring and Storm and Venis grind away with them. JR says he likes it. No shit JR, any heterosexual male that has blood will like it. I guess Raw is letting people know that Venis is on their roster.

BACKSTAGE: We see another one of those cute Y2J - Trish segments. I swear this is like high school all over again with them. Y2J must be pretty shy around Trish as he coulda just asked HER for her phone number instead of asking everybody else. Y2J asks if Trish is okay teaming with that jabronie John Henkendirkrightshit. She said it's okay and he even showed her Little Johnny. Y2J wanted to puke as well as every male that heard that. Obviously we're in for a surprise later as to who's (or what's) Little Johnny. Austin's, Hurricane's, Trish's reactions are all evidence. The guys' reactions were shock. The lady's reaction was enjoyment. Hmmm.....Even I'm kinda baffled. It can't be a dog, why would Hurricane freak to that"

COMMERCIAL: Confidential focuses on Road Warrior Hawk's death. They interviewed Animal and man, he looks really different without all the gear...I saw a toy commercial and I'm starting to think every toy in existence has some sort of electronics in it.

RICHARDS/VICTORIA VS. JOHN/TRISH: Back to Raw and they showed how Raw stormed through Ohio in various house shows. I'm still waiting for WWE, ANY wrestling to come to my area. John "Big Johnnie" Henkendirkrightshit teams with Trish "boobs are getting bigger by the day but who's paying attention" Stratus to face Steven "the only guy that can rename Sunday to Stevie" Richards and Victoria "the ex-ho of the Godfather - leather thong and all." I LOVE Victoria's gimmick. She is literally the perfect candidate for it. You can notice Johnnie is pumping the crowd and not many fans really cheer for him. Who can blame them, me personally I'm sick and tired of seeing the "big guys with no skills whatsoever." I'm starting to think even Victoria would've whooped Johnnie here, if it was ECW, you can bet your house that would've happened. JR of course has to act stupid (gee, this is becoming a recurrent theme, even if they did a decent job of calling matches tonight, JR still has to act dumb) and ask what's "Little Johnnie." Lawler OBVIOUSLY knows what that's in reference to. Lawler is a flaming heterosexual. The match was alright, nothing spectacular. Richards actually was pissed in this match so he bangs the ringsteps with his hands. I only brought that up because I find it ironic that when you hit it with your hands, there's no effect. But when someone THROWS you into them, yeah, bang and ouch. Trish does her "Matrix move" on Victoria as she bridges to avoid a clothesline. She then turned that into a huracarana. HILARIOUS moment as JR mentioned Lawler likes young girls and Lawler looked like he was almost pulling a shoot by saying "don't go there." Throughout the match Y2J is watching and again Lawler calls him the King of Bling Bling. Big Johnnie is an utter moron as when Steven comes in, YOU can go in since it's a WWE intergender match (whereas in ECW, men can battle women). Amazing, the guy sucks up to Austin and bam, he's in the WWE. It's like becoming the CEO of Honeywell without a college degree. Of course the win comes when Johnnie pins Steven. I swear I don't even know what you call the move he uses. He basically picked Steven up and dropped him.

FOOTNOTE: You can disagree and send me a million emails about "be easy on the *rookies*," but I start wondering when people disagree with the obvious. This John guy is so green that he doesn't realize he can get in when Steven is in, and all the other guys that make mistakes over and over and over. There IS a reason why you go to wrestling school and bust rear in the indys before entering the big time. I mean, I haven't read the news yet, but I have this feeling Steven is injured legit. I mean, John literally looked he just dropped him shoulder first. Maybe it's about time you realize why I bitch constantly about all these "green" guys.

COMMERCIAL: More Survivor Series promos, this time focusing on Vince vs. Undertaker *yawn*.

BACKSTAGE: DA COACH decides to interview Austin in a very professional manner. Austin basically decides to change the rules by saying he's the ringside enforcer for the HBK vs. Henry match. Gee, we know HBK is on your team and Henry is on the OTHER team, how can you be impartial here" Oh that's right, the WWE doesn't make sense 75% of the time. Remember the last time an enforcer was involved with Austin and HBK" Yep, Mike Tyson and he turned on HBK as he was in DX. I DOUBT Austin would turn on HBK at this rate however. It'd be a swerve, but it would just not make sense at all. Although we could have one of those Austin and Bischoff were side-by-side all along angles. Okay, off-track. Furthermore, Austin says if you even come out and make your presence known, the "strike when strike upon" ramification is thrown out of the window. It can't get anymore ridiculous. Yes it can, never mind. Everytime I say that, I've been proven wrong.

RECAP: Now we recap and go through the entire Suvivor Series card, at least for the Raw stars that's involved. Just seeing "Goldberg's AAAAAAAAA vs. Triple H" made me yawn. We also saw Lita vs. Molly and for those paying attention, Molly barely wore any makeup and it was just a bad photo for her. Change it immediately. Unless if they truly ARE pushing her to be the virginal princess that's anti-men or whatever.

BACKSTAGE: Sgt. Slaughter delivers Kane a paper message from Shane. All Kane said was "anytime anywhere." Then JR/Lawler literally piss all over themselves. JR/Lawler, you guys really need to relax. Shane's "craziness" actually ends up hurting himself more than others.

COMMERCIAL: Blah

HENRY VS. HBK: ANOTHER one of those flashbacks, this time a "Wrestlemania Moment." They show HBK's Wrestlemania XII Ironman victory over Bret Hart. OF COURSE THIS MEANS HBK IS IN OUR NEXT MATCH. So finally we have the main event between HBKraka (thanks Teddy) and Henry. Austin is at ringside and I was expecting a legion of heel jobbers to come out and Austin taking them all out. Wishful thinking. Teddy doesn't get to talk tonight. Man, tha diatribe of ebonics...damnit. Match gets underway and HBK occasionally works on Henry's legs. Smart move. The nuts, the eyes, or the legs. At one point if Teddy didn't move quick enough, Henry woulda squashed him like a bug on a basketball court as he flew out of the ring. Teddy interferes and Austin orders him to the back. I guess ref allows him to have that power. JR again calls Henry's style "ain't pretty, it's smashmouth." He calls that for Goldberg too which only means one thing: it's boring and it's so 1980s. JR called one of Henry's slams a Bossman slam in reference to the ALMIGHTY RAY TRAYLOR. Henry slaps on one of the most pathetic bearhugs. You ARE supposed to squeeze Henry. The only thing that was really locked was Henry's hands. A few more botched spots as HBK gets knocked silly, but scoots just in the right spot for a Vader Bomb by Henry. One of the better things of this match was how it ended. It literally ended when a Sweet Chin Music came from out of NOWHERE (I guess you know who won). So now Austin says HBK can leave, and he does. He calls out BATISTA and what happens".................

COMMERCIAL: Spike TV hosts the VGA Awards, I swear sometimes 80s games are so much better than the crap we see today...Survivor Series commercial focusing on Kane vs. Shane. I love their commercials.

THE POSTMATCH SEGMENT: Back LIVE (although that's hard to believe as Austin wouldn't be standing there for 5 minutes waiting for.......wait, never mind) and Batista eventually comes out and they brawl. Batista is knocked out of the ring. Henry tries to blindside, only to get STUNNED by Austin. And now Batista gets the upper hand, and who comes out" GOLDBERG............AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. JR this whole time is making up for 2 weeks ago saying Batista is bigger by saying Goldberg is one of the most courageous wrestlers ever, coming out with a "shattered ankle." Eh eh, no, TEST is courageous because that's a LEGIT injury wrestling against that screw-up Shane no less. So before Goldie gets in the ring, he makes sure to nail Henry with a chair. Into the ring, Goldie gives Batista an extremely pathetic spear (the spear he gave to Bischoff was BLAM, but this one to Batista was just eh). He's about to cripple Batista with the chair until NAYCH comes in and gets speared as well. Batista leaves the ring and Austin comes in. Austin looked like he took a shellacking from Batista. So now Austin has beer and ready to toast with Goldie, but Goldie looks pissed (I'd be too if you book me in a match with the EVIL TRIPLE H). No Austin, this isn't Stacy who you're dealing with. Basically Goldberg says he'll drink if he gets a match with Batista next week on Raw. Austin obliges and there you go. Wow, Batista's push is equivalent to Henry's. What did I tell ya folks" Just when we were all getting our hopes up that Goldie is put away, Batista will have to job next week. How's that for detail-by-detail of what happened.

And that................was Raw...............until next time.

by Michael Carpenter


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