Most Wanted Volume 1
May 5, 2005 by Langdon Beck
There are few things I hate about wrestling. I hate certain wrestlers - mentioning no names, Quiet Storm and Sabian - and I hate certain styles of 'wrestling - cough-ultraviolent-cough.
But more than anything, I guess I hate fans on the internet. It's all well and good to dislike certain things - it's part of being a fan - but some of these people take it too far.
Not all of them of course; since my 'offline friends' stopped watching wrestling, the internet's the only place I can come to talk about the sport of kings. It's those fans that can't for the life of them be positive about anything that annoy me so.
So I have formulated a list of just some of the wrestlers who, if these fans had their way, would not be competing for your entertainment. Obviously I cannot list them all, as I defy anyone to name me one wrestler that EVERYBODY likes. Hopefully this list will show some of the inherent prejudiced hypocrisy of these fans. I will of course, in the formulation of this list, abide by the Ten Commandments of the Internet Wrestling Fan, which are as follows:
1. Thou shalt not like anything to do with WWE, for WWE is the root of all evil. However, thou shalt watch WWE each week and buy WWE Pay Per Views each month for the purpose of complaining about them. Thou shalt swear to stop watching WWE at least three times each year, but shall never act upon this.
2. Thou shalt needlessly and senselessly criticise any potential alternative to WWE, for they will clearly and obviously go out of business some time in the next century, thereby rendering their existence futile and pointless. Once out of business, thou shalt become said company's biggest fan and must never say a bad word about it.
3. Thou shalt not enjoy any wrestling company outside the US, for the announcers cannot speak properly, nor shall you enjoy any independent promotion within the US, for they cannot compete with WWE and therefore should never exist. If you enjoy a wrestling company outside the US, or an independent promotion therein, thou shalt sing its praises wholeheartedly, forgoing all else.
4. Thou shalt be overly critical to any wrestler that does not perform every single move he executes 100% accurately every time, for he is without doubt a walking botch machine.
5. Thou shalt not become a fan of a high-flying wrestler, for he is a no-selling spotfester, nor shalt you become a fan of a technical wrestler, for he is boring, nor shalt you become a fan of a hardcore or power wrestler, for they cannot work, nor shalt you become a fan of a hard-hitting wrestler, for he is a despicable liberty-taker who should be fired forthwith.
6. Thou shalt never become a fan of any wrestler over 6 feet in height and 230 pounds in weight, nor shall you become a fan of any wrestler under 5'8" in height and 200 pounds in weight.
7. Thou shalt not become a fan of any wrestler who also works for his promotion in a non-wrestling role, for he is a scheming backstage politician who should be promptly sent to the bowels of hell for his heinous crimes.
8. Thou shalt learn thee insider terms and use them with unnecessary frequency to display your intimate and exhaustive first-hand knowledge of the wrestling industry.
9. Thou shalt immediately turn on a wrestler once he has become successful, with no exceptions.
10. Unless otherwise stated herein, thou shalt never be positive about the wrestling business in any way, shape or form, and never forget that you are infinitely more intelligent and talented than anyone in it.
With that said, here is the MOST WANTED list of wrestlers, along with their Crimes. Punishment is immediate retirement and quarantine in Internet Fan Jail. Only a wrestler's major Crime(s) shall be listed.
Jeff Jarrett CRIME: Having the audacity to hold a World Title longer than a month.
Randy Orton CRIME: Having the audacity to hold a World Title for only one month, being pushed by WWE, being a walking botch machine.
Triple H CRIME: Too numerous to mention.
The Undertaker CRIME: Having the audacity to age.
AJ Styles CRIME: Being a no-selling spot monkey.
Shawn Michaels CRIME: Being an over-selling spot monkey, participating in Montreal.
Vince McMahon CRIME: Having the audacity to turn a North East promotion into a worldwide billion dollar company, participating in Montreal.
Bret Hart CRIME: Not getting over Montreal.
Jeff Hardy CRIME: Being a walking botch machine.
Dusty Rhodes CRIME: Accepting job as booker for TNA.
Vince Russo CRIME: Daring to write for WWF and increasing ratings, accepting job as writer for WCW, accepting job in TNA.
The Entire TNA X-Division CRIME: Being no-selling spot festers.
The Entire WWE Cruiserweight Division CRIME: Not taking enough high-flying risks.
John Cena CRIME: Not being Lou Thesz in terms of wrestling, not being Roddy Piper in terms of mic work, being liked by the common plebeians, not hitting hard enough.
Hardcore Holly CRIME: Hitting too hard while being in WWE (if he was elsewhere it would be tolerated or even encouraged).
Kevin Nash CRIME: Having knees.
The Rock CRIME: Having the impudence to become a movie star.
John Bradshaw Layfield CRIME: Being pushed as future WWE Champion, being WWE Champion.
Batista CRIME: Receiving reaction from audiences, being liked by the common plebeians, having a muscular physique.
Chris Masters, Luther Reigns, Tyson Tomko etc CRIME: Not receiving reaction from audiences, having muscular physiques.
Viscera, Rosey, Phi Delta Slam etc CRIME: Not having muscular physiques.
Ric Flair CRIME: Calling Mick Foley a glorified stuntman.
Mick Foley CRIME: Being a glorified stuntman.
Of course this is just scraping the service of the internet wrestling fans' hatred of wrestling.
And finally - remember, it's fine to dislike something, if it's your opinion, but, to quote Alex Shane:
"If the average wrestling fan [on the internet] said 'in my opinion, this is how I feel about this,' that would make everything better, but a lot of people don't. They speak like it's fact."
by Langdon Beck --- [View Langdon Beck's Column Index]..
chris peacock wrote:
I wanted to say first that you forgot on Undertaker, Kevin Nash and a few of the other guys that you mentioned that they were breaking the being over 6 foot tall rule. Anyway I agree with you 100% on this one, alot of the wrestling fans out there don't understand that if it weren't for these guys they would not have wresting to watch. Obviously they enjoy it or wrestling would have been just another fad of our generation. Some of the guys aren't that good but then again so one has to like them or they wouldn't be there. Take Triple H for example most of your hardcore fans will tell you they don't like him, but aparently someone out there likes him or he wouldn't be where he is a because no matter how much pull you have in the back if you don't make money then you don't make it in the bussiness. But yeah I do think some of the fans should lighten up on the wrestlers who go out there and bust there asses night after night to give you a good show. Finally I will add what I always add to stuff like this if you don't like if (Insted of complaining about it) turn it off and find another hobby.
Laurie B. wrote:
Fantastic column! I agree with everything you've said here (minus the crimes of two wrestlers) and I've good fun reading it too. Great job!
"Crazy" Kid Chaos wrote:
Thank you! you have said exactly what I have been thinking for the past 3 years. It seems that there is no wrestler who can do anything right in the eyes of pretty much anyone. No matter how exciting they are (AJ Styles, Christopher Daniels) or how powerful they are (Batista, Big Show) or how talented they are (Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit) they are all put down to the point of the lowest wrestling fan. these men put their lives on the line every night for our entertainment yet we put them down for whatever reason. As an aspiring wrestler I hate to hear the things some people say about these great entertainers. because the fans are the business and without fans there is no business.
I also want to state in reply to the Divas that EVERYONE seems to run in the ground. The WWE is Sports Entertainment, that means that there is wrestling but there is also a whole lot of eye candy. If you hate the divas so much and want to watch only wrestling watch japanese wrestling, indy feds etc., so stop running the divas down if you don't want to watch them, they are beautiful women who are there to add the entertainment to sports entertainment. and Christy Hemme (who is not a personal favorite) I have to admit that at wrestlemania she shocked the hell out of me, I was amazed quite honestly because she was a much better wrestler than I had expected. I agree that victoria, gail kim, and molly holly should be at the top of the womens division, all three of who aren't too bad to look at, but that still grants us no reason to drive down the ones trying!
If you don't like the WWE get the F out! watch the other stuff, comlain about that a while then just stop watching it all together if you hate it so much, beggers can't be choosers.
Roger O'Connell wrote:
Pretty much your whole collumn is true about Internet wrestling. I guess that both you and I know that its a sin on the internet to like Kevin Nash, but I dont care. I like Kevin Nash a lot and he is one of my favorite wrestlers. Its just idiocy that people like to make fun of him for his quad injury. I can list a lot of negative things that have been said about Batista when he defeated Triple H for the World Title. Its just all internet fan action. The normal internet fan never seem to like anything that goes on. There is always an arguement. I have seen one where people are argueing on AJ styles being overrated and not overrated. Frankly, some Internet fans believe their opinion so much that they consider it a fact. I dont care what Other fans think of me. Kevin Nash is one of my favorite wrestlers, I watch RoH and like Samoa Joe, I like a lot of Big Men wrestlers, and I like Triple H.
Jack Malone wrote:
I'm sorry, Langdon, but I disagree with this entire column.
Firstly, it's not as if every internet fan feels the same way about everything. Your ten commandments talk as if we all follow each of those laws all the time, but we don't. There are mixed opinions on almost every wrestling subject. For example, you claim that Mick Foley is criticised for being a glorified stuntman. Now to an extent, this is true, but from what I've seen the vast majority of internet fans do not feel this way, only very few. There will always be an opposing argument to any situation, that is something we have to accept.
Secondly, you talk as if some of the reasons we have for disliking superstars are minor and petty. In most cases, I'd say people have perfectly good reason to complain, making some legitimate arguments. For example, you act as if it's a bad thing to bash Jarrett for holding the TNA title too long. The truth is, the majority of the internet finds Jarrett's dominance to be boring and repetitive. Nobody is complaining that he holds the title longer than a month, but they are complaining that he holds it far too often. That argument makes perfect sense to me.
Finally, you finish off by saying that everyone should constantly clarify their opinions. What is the point of that" In everyday living, do you indicate that each and every one of the opinions you give is personal" People don't, because that is a waste of time. We commonly state opinions as facts; everybody knows that they are just opinions, I don't think anybody really truly believes that their opinions are 100% facts.
Kyle Hanna wrote:
That has to be the worst column ever, sorry.
First, Jeff Jarrett deserves to be champion for over a month, it wasn't Rand Orton's fault he was only World Heavyweight Champion for a month and I've not seen him both in a while, Triple H is the man, AJ's a great wrestler and he sells ver well, Got to agree with HBK, the best damn wrestling promoter to ever live, don't get the bit about Bret, got to agree with Hardy same with Dusty, so you say the X-Division does too many spots and you say Cruiserweight don't wierd, damn straight about Cena and Holly, couldn't agree more with the Rock, JBL is the man, Batista is great, Tomko etc. rule!, Fatter people have good matches.
And I don't get why you put the quote bit, you speak like that's a fact.
Erkka Järvinen wrote:
There was no head or tail on this column. I didn't understand this column at all so please, learn how to write one.
Well there´s nothing more to say than a plain and simple THANK YOU, for this
It´s just excellent and I do totally agree on it, I know that people of any
interests must have something to talk about, and unfortunatly for most of them
it is more fun, to speak bad words and unreasonable critics, instead of praise
anyone for good work, or just be a bit more positive according to the case.
Sometimes when i think about it, i dispair at bad characteristics like these and
i must stop think about it immediately before it drives me insane. Now please
dont think that I am kind of a preacher, telling the people to be just nice and
love each other, but Langdon Beck hit the nail on the head with this article and
i enjoy the fact that there is at least one guy, who has got the same opinion
like me, and speaks his (and my) mind about it.
But Iguess thats just the way it is, and more sadly, it will ever be. Ahh
Henry Aretakis wrote:
I really enjoyed reading this article because it was highly entertaining and finally shows Internaet fans what they are actually doing. Internet fans have been doing this for ages and to see someone finally point it out and throw it in their faces is a win for all the plebeians.
Chris Mate wrote:
First off, this is a great article. I think its for the most part true to the feelings of those hardcore Internet fans out there. If it was up to the Internet fans than Paul London would be the champ on smackdown and probably Y2J on Raw, and this would never change. Although I think Y2J should get in the title picture.
Ironically, I think the most interesting read for this column is the comments. This just kinda shows how the Internet fans are right there. You got the more casual fans saying yes I agree entirely. Than you got the hardcore ones saying this is stupid, none of this is true. Well unfortunately, if you go on to almost any wrestling message board or chat room you will see that its basically all true. Even someone like HHH, no matter what they say hes still one of the best in the business today. Ric Flair held the title constantly for a decade or more, I dont have the exact dates but I know he was dominating all through the 80's into the 90's. He deserved the title too, Why" Because he was the best. As HHH is now. The problem is he has no opponents. How many times will someone pay to see HHH vs. Benoit or HBK.
Ok...sorry...little off topic...anyways...amazing article...interesting comments...a debate that will never die
Troy Tollison wrote:
Well that gave me a good laugh. Very entertaining column. Although I unfortunately fit into some of the criteria of an internet wrestling fan as far as not liking wrestlers such as Tomko and Chris Masters. I mean seriosuly whens the last time you were thinking to yourself "Damn I can't wait to see what's gonna happen with the Master Lock Challenge!" Anyway great article.
Will Young wrote:
Wow, great job, mostly because what you've written here is exactly the attitude of the smark. You're a very insightful man, thank you for some Grade A+ reading material.
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