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WRESTLING COLUMNS

Hogan Knows Best
July 15, 2005 by Mason Raige


He is a multi-time Wrestling Champion. He bodyslammed and pinned the 525-pound Eight Wonder of the World in front of 93,000 people. He's been victorious over the likes of Big John Studd, King Kong Bundy, Terry Funk, Ric Flair, Randy Savage, and Rowdy Roddy Piper. He was the leader of wrestling's most dominant outlaw group called the NWO. He's even the cultivator of the 24-inch pythons, brother! Now, on VH-1, you can watch this wrestling icon and media crossover superstar lose any credibility he used to have as a tough-guy wrestler as he disturbingly stalks his daughter and interacts bizarrely with his family on his new reality show, Hogan Knows Best. Mildly entertaining at best, The Hogans are definitely not The Osbournes.

Set primarily in his home, Hogan Knows Best debuted last night and introduced the world to Linda (Hogan's wife), Nick (Hogan's oddball son), and 16-going-on-27-year-old Brooke (Hogan's daughter). The family seems pretty average to me and not all that interesting, except for the Hulkster's strange (and, at times, discomforting) antics. Don't get me wrong; I will always be a card-carrying Hulkamaniac, but do I need to see the Hulkster meandering barefoot around his palatial estate with a multitude of colorful headbands on his bald skull" Oh, Hulk, by the way, 1985 called, and they'd like their rainbow-colored workout pants back. Yes, he does wearing these clothes, which make it embarrassing to watch. Also, this guy has more sleeveless shirts than Matt Striker. But Hogan's poor choice of clothing is not going to make or break this show.

What's most annoying about this show is that is it so obviously created to launch Brooke's singing career that it's insulting to viewers. Brooke is a budding star who desires a career in the music biz and has even adopted Hogan's fictitious surname as her own in order to gain recognition. I guess Brooke Bollea is a little less marketable, but it is alliterative. Anyway, the premiere episode focuses on 16-year-old Brooke going on a date with Nick's friend, 22-year-old Adam. As about as overprotective as a father can be without being creepy (which he is at times), Hogan isn't too happy about the idea of Brooke and Adam dating. However, since this is a television show, Hogan okays the date if Adam agrees to speak to him first. Adam, who really resembles NYWC and Smackdown superstar Brett Matthews, reveals bits of his sexual history to the Hulkster and offers some lame compliments as well in one of the most awkward conversations I have ever witnessed. Adam actually says, "You sure those guns didn't get bigger since the last time"" Hogan's reply" Very dryly, he says, "They're about the same." The interaction is mildly entertaining, if it wasn't shown previously on WWE Raw, which Hogan returned to, surprisingly, at the exact time his show was to debut. Coincidence" I think not.

Now, here's when Hogan gets creepy. He decides to allow the date, but not before he secretly installs a tracking system in Brooke's truck and informs the loving couple that Adam's "Blue Beast" will not be suitable transportation. Hogan then tracks the entire date on his computer while Nick and Linda look on. Hogans, isn't there something on television you'd like to watch" I appreciate family bonding, but this is ridiculous. I'm all for being responsible for your kids and protecting them when necessary, but Hogan, who gives Brooke a hard time about going on her first date yet allows her to wear a tight top and short skirt and flash the television audience her skimpy shorts underneath, calls her several times during the date. If I were Adam, I'd probably try to meet someone my own age. Hey Adam, stick to college girls without psycho fathers. Plus, the girl's 16. What's wrong with you" My question is this: if the Hulkster didn't trust or like Adam, why allow the date" Oh, I know! It's reality television, and attractive as young Brooke may be, watching her pout in her room for 30 minutes isn't great television.

After Brooke and Adam leave the house, Nick, who I believe is 14, lets the viewers and his parents know that Adam has taken him to topless and gay beaches when they were in Miami together. Ahhh, the plot thickens. Question: do many 14-year-olds and 22-year-olds socialize and go to topless and gay beaches together while spending time together in Miami" I guess they do in Hoganville. Hulk (or Terry, as Linda refers to him) is none too pleased with this information and makes a few more disturbing calls to Brooke. Nick also alerts his folks to the fact that Adam has pierced nipples and alcohol all over his dorm room. Again, why was 14-year-old Nick in Adam's room" I assume he saw Adam's nipples on either the gay or topless beach, but who's keeping score" Perhaps Nick's experiences would make for better reality television. However, Nick isn't the one with a budding singing career.

The only comparison I can make here is to The Osbournes. I love Ozzy's music and have for many years, but watching him as a stumbling, bumbling, helpless moron has reduced my respect for him quite a bit. I can't help but wonder if Hogan Knows Best will do the same. The Osbournes are a much crazier family, but Kelly's career had a brief launch during the show's tenure. Perhaps if Nick develops a severe addiction to pain killers and Linda goes for a slew of plastic surgery (if she hasn't already), Hogan Knows Best can compete. We'll see. Hogan Knows Best airs on Sunday nights at 10. While the first episode was a less-than-stellar 30 minutes, perhaps things may pick up. Whatcha gonna do, brother" Give Hogan Knows Best a peek if you like wrestling, reality television, or weird father-daughter relationships.

by Mason Raige - www.masonraige.com..


Tony Mayes wrote:
Well, I can't say that the show wasn't funny. Hogan is one of my favorite legends as a wrestlier. When I saw the preview of the show I knew exactly how it was going to go. I understand completely how Hogan carried himself on the show about brooke dating the 22 year old dude. The show had me out of my seat cause out of all the people who told Hogn to spy on his daughter's date it was Brain Knobs of the Nasty Boys. I am 21 years old and he two sisters 16 and 17. They both are at the age where they are beginning to fill out the jeans and shirts, and I have spent time beating up on little prevents that comes to my house when they visit me.

Hogan hawk-eyeing his daughter the whole show is what made it great. If you have a sister or is a father you would understand more. Just as Hogan is watching the Computer, Nick tells Hogan the stuff about the topless and gay beaches and Hogan's face drops like " What the **** is going on here" and he yells Linda, I fell out of my chair. If you can watch Ozzy and his crazy family, Nick and Jessica, and the barkers on MTV you can sit and watch Hogan knows best.
Shahzeel wrote:
Wow. First off, Hulk Hogan said on the Live with Regis and Kelly show that he was doing this reality show to help launch his daughter's career so ragging the man on that makes no sense. He compared his show to the Ashlee Simpson show and the Osbournes, saying that both where used to launch Ashlee's and Kelly's respectively. Plus you don't have any concrete points against the show rather you coulour your comments with your own view points, as is evident in the attacking of Hulk's son. Second of all what Hogan did is not creepy. Sure he did it for TV ratings DUH! But seriously come on, you have a beautiful 16 year old daughter, and she is going out with a 22 year old guy you just met who said he was sexually active, would u say, "Alright honey have a great time" No. You would ensure her safety, to whatever lengths. Understand almost all of these actions are for TV ratings. Come on man use your head.
Theda K wrote:
So Hogan's Valley Princess-Mall Rat daughter wants a career in showbiz" Let the talentless little (insert adjective) make it or fail on her own. As an excuse for a TV show, she's a waste of space. As for the Hulkster: this is just too embarrassing! I'm not surprised Shawn Michaels gave him some Sweet Chin Music - I'd have liked to do the same! Yes we cheered when he partned HBK cos he a legend etc etc. But that's no excuse for making tasteless television shows. And if that's what he wants to do, Hogan should stay the hell out of the ring.
elizabeth whyte wrote:
I agree with this point but Hulk Hogan is 100 times more popular n Scotland of the UK, Japan and the rest of Asia. Jesse is probably only know now in the USA by his running for Mayor.
Ritzunzueta wrote:
Bah, Hogan's an egomaniac and he sucks too. Get him out of the ring. And C.N. said something about real talent not getting noticed, you're almost right, except for Christian. He's the man of 1,000 restholds, nothing else. Erkka said something about the WWE title having "prestige"....yeah right. To have a talentless businessman and a talentless rapper holding the title isn't prestigious at all. If you want to see a prestigious title be defended watch a RoH World title match. The Diva Search is the worst thing that's ever happened to the WWE. Thank goodness that TNA is coming to Spike, and RoH continues to get more popular, because WWE isn't going to recover anytime soon.
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