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WRESTLING COLUMNS

Bald Tag Teams
May 19, 2006 by Thor Richardt


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Over the years in the history of the WWE (Should be WWF, blasted Panda) there have been great wrestlers. Superstars who have reached the pinnacle of success, who have heard the loud roar of the innumerable fans lining the stands surrounding the squared circle... These superstars have heard that roar, and it was good. Among these names rose such superstars as Stone Cold Steve Austin, George "The Animal" Steele, Kamala, The Iron Sheik; Superstars different in almost aspect, but have one thing in common. They were all bald and they enjoyed much success (Except for maybe George Steele)

Fast forward to the world of today. SmackDown! is in a slump as all of their Main-Eventers are injured or indefinitely suspended. On RAW the wrestlers there are all there but one thing that suffers on both shows, and that's a tag team. But what makes a tag team" The matching tight fitting spandex" The perfectly calculated double team moves" No... I've come to speculate that when the WWF became the WWE, the world of tag teams for a bald wrestler changed forever. I will name off examples I have compiled in my mind over the months asking myself why they never made it. And these are the tag teams I've come up with for reasons unknown have never won much success in tag teams. So I point straight to the source... The hair is not all there!

T&A - Comprised of Test, Albert and Trish Stratus as the manager, it had everything it needed to be successful; a tall long haired man with leather pants who could give one hell of a big boot, a future multi-time Women's Champion watching over all of their matches, and a beast. At the time, T&A seemed to have everything perfectly planned out for themselves, but they never won a tag team title because of one weakness... A man called Albert, a huge hulking brute with piercings all over. Why wouldn't he win for the team" The poor fool was bald! And to make matters worse, as if not winning wasn't proof enough, the guy tried to convince Test to shave his hair off, a feat that one Stacy Keibler partly accomplished later, resulting in Test's release.

Censored - The team of the Godfather and Bull Buchanan. Large men, like T&A, and like T&A, one obvious flaw. Bull Buchanan. Though both competitors weren't that great, Bull was no doubt worse off than the Godfather. The team who had one title run in their entire career and they got it only because of an interference from Edge and Christian, who eventually won the titles off them one month later in a four corners tag team match. Bull would eventually make a return to the WWE on Smackdown! under the name B-2. He teamed with a than heel John Cena. After about a month the team had gotten no where, forcing Cena to turn on B-2, which would lead to his release.

Scotty and Albert - A Worm and a Hip Hop Hippo. It seemed too good to be true. Fans around the world sat in our seats wondering, "Could this be a second Too Cool"" Scotty Too Hotty didn't have the hat, but he still had his worm, and now Albert was by his side instead of Grandmaster Sexay. The duo finally made it to a match for the Tag Team titles against Chuck Palumbo and Billy Gunn. Unfortunatley, Scotty and Albert came up short. Same as last time, blame the man called Albert. After the match, Albert turned on Scotty, taking Scotty out for nearly half a year. What Albert didn't expect though was that later Scotty would return with Rikishi to take the Tag Team titles from another tag team. And sure Scotty 2 Hotty hasn't won matches recently, but look who got released, and than look whose still here.

The Dudley Boys - One of my favorite tag teams. Now known as Team 3-D in the up and coming TNA, The Dudley Boys were the ultimate tandem. Winning over 17 Tag Team Titles in their historic career, it seems unlikely that the Dudley Boys would ever be seen on such an atrocious list. Or is it" Early 2005 D-von decides to go bald. After that, all hell broke loose. Winning their final WWE tag team title and losing it on RAW, they were traded to Smackdown! along with RVD and Booker T for Triple H. From there the tandem went on a downward spiral. From working alongside Paul Heyman to being in squash matches against the Undertaker. It was inevitable that the Dudley's would be released. Thanks D-von.

The Basham Brothers - A tag team that made people look back to the good old days of traditional tag team wrestling, where the superstars weren't just main-eventers thrown together to make a team. These two were twins, who worked marvelously together and could switch each other out behind the ref's back. Why did they only win one tag team title in their time as a tag team" Was it because they were split up during the brand draft lottery" No, it was because they were both BALD! Think of how they won the titles, with a little help from one Shaniqua. And once she was gone, that was it.

Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit - Both strong competitors, both thrown together as a tag team by the Smackdown! GM as a sport of their rivalry. They won the titles yes, but once they did, it ended with them at each other's throats. This was AFTER Angle had his head shaved by Edge... need I say more"

Kane and the Big Show - Like Angle and Benoit, two men thrown together by chance on Taboo Tuesday of 2005. Winning the titles off Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch, they enjoyed squash match after squash match after BLOODY SQUASH MATCH... but they got boring and eventually lost to some upstart cheerleaders on RAW the day after Wrestle mania 22. What happened here" The Big Show had grown his hair back by than. And Kane, had hair in the back of his head. But wait! The answer lies in Kane! His hairline is receding, its only a matter of time before he's bald, thus the great Tag Team gods sensed this and gave him the hellacious memories of May 19th.

Big Vito and Nunzio - Nunzio, two time Cruiserweight champion. Big Vito, guy off the streets, big man. This team COULD win something if they used underhanded deeds, but they wont, so they never will. If Nunzio had teamed up with some other cruiserweight he would have won the titles by now. But he hasn't. Why" He's running with a huge bald man who I currently have no clue what his finisher is.

The Gymini - Twins, like the Basham Brothers, but unlike them, large and powerful. These two have dominated every tag team they've competed against ever since debuting on Smackdown! by the side of Simon Dean. From the Mexicools to Paul London and Brian Kendrick, the Gymini have massacred all opposition. And yet, for all these wins, they have gotten no title shot. Apparently someone feels that they wont be getting a title shot until they grow some hair.

Tomko and Snitsky (Team Beard) - Large men who knew how to big boot a man for a two count. The duo dominated the (small) tag team scene on WWE.com's HEAT. But every time they stepped into the ring with Kane and the Big Show, they would be down faster than you could read this entire article. But why" When Snitsky was having grudge matches against Kane, Snitsky was losing, but he wasn't losing THAT quickly. But wait, there's another one in here. It's that man over there, the bald one. Isn't that Tyson Tomko" His long beard was a sight to behold and he was released almost the same year he came into the WWE so he could pursue a career in Japan.

Now look at the Tag Team Champions of both brands. On Raw we have the Spirit Squad, consisting of five young newcomers. After defeating Kane and the Big Show they are now the Tag Team Champions. Although they represent the so called "heel" side, unlike most heels, they don't run from their battles; they do things the smart way. Why is it that they are seemingly unstoppable" Take a good look at all five of them. Every single one of them possesses a full head of hair, they're not too old, so we wont be seeing that hair falling out for quite some time. On Smackdown! They have something that I must respect. A certain aura that comes with being in their presence. Its not that warm feeling you get when Melina does her ring entrance my friends. Its the entire tag team itself. All three parts of the team possess this unique trait. Thick, wavy, locks of hair.

I hope you enjoyed my article... If you didn't, hey were all objected to our own opinions right"

by Thor Richardt ..


Brad Dykens wrote: And here I thought this was going to be a column about the great vintage tag teams like The Kelly Twins, The von Steigers, The von Brauners and The von Stroheims. My bad.
M.R. wrote:
This was not what I was expecting. Are you saying there's a conspiracy on bald headed tag teams" Are you serious"

First off, in your first paragraph you list several names of stars who are bald and enjoyed success. The you list several stars who didn't. Then finally you end it with the fact that being bald held them back. All together you have a written contradiction here on OWW.

You list Kurt as one of the stars. Um, where is Mr. Angle ranked within the wrestling world, genius" You also have Kane who is still a force and the Duds who were sinking with the creative team for months, but were still focused on, poorly as it was.

Another thing I'd like to bring up is the fact that most of those teams you listed were the combinations of singles competitors. The Creative team had nothing better then to join 2 low carder and maker a mid card team. And on top of that, only one star from those teams was bald, so that doesn't make them a bald team.

The only teams who are bald is the Basham Bros. and Gymini twins, and I'm not even sure if they were completely bald. The bashams came in bald, won the titles while they were bald and then had nothing for them later on. The same thing is happening to the twins.

I could name a few teams who had hair and didn't make it, but it wouldn't make any sense as it can't be proven. Lets not blame the baldness, and just blame the creative team and the lack of talent some of these guys suffered from.

Next time you want to write about bald guys, just title it "bald isn't always beautiful" and list the guys who had it and the guys who got had. You should have gone with vintage tag teams, like the ones Brad mentioned.
Charles Lalonde wrote:
You left out the Twin Bikers of Ron and Don Harris, They may not have won the Tag Team Titles but they kicked some ass
Stephen Carlson wrote:
That article had absolutely no relevance to wrestling other than the fact you looked up some tag teams. Wow someone is bald, so that means they suck" Im so sure. Thats why everytime Stone cold teamed with someone they were god awful. And not that i'm a big Basham brothers fan or anything but i'd like to see you win a tag team title. My point is stop wasting peoples time with this crap and tell us some real information that we care about.
Tyler Keef wrote: Worst....column.........ever. And Tyson Tomko was in the WWE a full two years, not one.
Jimmy wrote:
Bald teams can't win titles becuse their bald. That's specious reasoning...kind of like when Homer wanted to buy Lisa's "Tiger Rock" on the Simpsons...
Sean Stein wrote:
I read your column and I must say a couple things about it. First off Baldness had nothing to do with a lot of it. Lets look.

T&A: These two both had a career after there break up. Test became a multi time singles champion. Albert was a I-C champion as well AFTER they broke up. Why did they break up because they were not over with the fans. But Albert being bald was not a reason.

RTC: I recalled both men got released. Hell look a Bull at the end of RTC, He was going hair. The were released for a couple reasons. Godfather was due to getting hurt a lot. Bull well just wasn't working out period.

Scotty and Albert: They broke up because Scotty needed surgery. Albert had a nice push after the break up as he fued with the likes of The Undertaker and was in the Main picture of Smackdown. So there is no case there.

Dudleys: You honestly think that Dvon shaving his head was a reason at all" The Dudleys were offered a new contract for less money. They turned it down. The WWE as a whole are not big on Tag Teams. But they wanted to keep them but they didn't want a pay cut.

Bashams: Yea they had two more tag title runs after Shamqua left. When they were with JBL. They had a couple good runs. It was because they split up not there hair.

Angle and Benoit: Angle was bald for about 6 months before they were even a team. Honestly did you think that they were going to be a team full time when they were put together" These two are singles wrestlers and very good at that. They feud right after it and had a classic match at that Royal Rumble in 03 for the WWE title. Your crazy to think it was about hair and your crazy to think they were going to be a full time tag team.

Kane and Big Show: Kane is bald, he shaves his head. Again did you think these two were going to be a Tag team forever" Both men are Main Event players. They are not Tag Teams wrestlers. I mean Kane was a Tag champion with Taker. Now was the reason behind there break up" Hair" I think not.

The rest is just getting dumb. Tomko wanted out, I repeat WANTED OUT. Nothing to do with hair. Gymini who knows because there still delvoping. Vito and Nunzio wrestled more singles then a team lately. You never know what is going to happen. But Hair is not a reason. It's just crazy to think that.
Dave Barton wrote:
(sigh) Am I the only wrestling fan on the planet who recognized this column immediately as satire" Get a sense of humor people, wake up!!
Dirk Mason wrote:
I cannot believe you wasted your time writing an article on bald tag teams. Who really cares, and you know you spent a lot of time time thinking about this.
Jon Rosaler wrote:
Thor, if that is your real name, you obviously never heard the phrase "hair today, gone tomorrow". If you did, you would know that being bald means absolutily nothing. Molly Holly was bald and ended up wearing a wig and still got dead heat from the crowd. Hulk Hogan is bald, but nobody even gave a damn. You must be bald youself if you wrote a column like this or you could be a Krillin fan.

Hey, wasn't Rey bald once" and TNA had it's fair share of bald tag teams. Like Christopher Daniels and Low-Ki (Now Senshi) and Konnan and Homicide (even though they are not really a tag team). Why do we not talk about these teams being bald. Oh, wait I know, WE DON'T CARE IF THEY ARE BALD. WE STILL MARK FOR TRIPLE X and give dead heat to LAX. Sheeesh.
Jay wrote:
I think you guys are taking it a bit seriously, I thought it was meant to be a humorous article. I laughed the first time I read it. Besides, the guy said they were failures in tag team wrestling; not necessarily singles competition.
Ryan (Las Vegas) wrote:
Okay, seriously there has got to be something else you can talk about besides bald tag teams. Unless they made history or something, I really have no use spending my time reading an article like that I'm sorry. There are a billion and one topics to choose from to write an article about. Please pick one of those. Thanks.
Keith wrote:
What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone on this site is now dumber for having read it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Kamil wrote:
This man is absolutely right. I mean, bald is bad. Everyone knows that. It is those wrestlers fault that they have bald heads. This means it is their fault they are losing. Seriously, even if this was a joke, it was a poor one. I didn't find it humorous. All you were doing was making fun of wrestlers for being bald. I could make fun of Big Show for being fat, but I won't. I could make fun of Funaki for being small, but I won't. This was a poorly written column, where all of the facts weren't even right. You need a life besides picking on bald people.
Victor Orians wrote:
Did you guys not catch on to the fact that this entire article was a joke" I mean, seroiusly... the idea of there being a conspiracy with bald-headed tag team is just absurd, and the fact that you're getting so fired up about something so petty just kills me. Seriously guys, lighten up a bit... It's just wrestling.
Meghan wrote:
Obviously, this article was written with humor in mind. Those of you who are leaving comments saying that Thor's "theories" aren't relevant are stupid because he's obviously trying to write a satirical peice. I read this article, and I laughed because it was funny and it was obviously MEANT to be funny, not serious. I mean... come on! Have a sense of humor, people.
Don wrote:
All I can say is FUNNNNNNY as H#LL! I don't know if this was suppose to be a funny article or serious, but they were the funniest comparisons I have ever read! Forget these guys that were looking for some deep, serious article from the wrestling gods. Well done Ol' Chap!
wrote:

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