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WRESTLING COLUMNS

Battling Boredom - One Fans Defense Of Decent Wrestlers
July 5, 2003 - by Emer Prevost



Over the last few RAW broadcasts, a sad trend has started, chanting "boring" when Lance Storm comes out. Now, I know that there are few people who don't like Lance's character, but I look beyond that. Like most of the WWE's fans lately, I don't believe in following the bookers plans. I'm not a sheep who cheers and boos for whoever Vinny Mac wants me to boo or cheer. Like all of the writers on this site, I am a true fan.

I have been wondering what the Hell possessed the WWE to sabotage Lance Storm like this. Could Lance have done something wrong backstage and this is his punishment? Could he be on the road paved by Raven and D-Lo and soon be with a better company actually going somewhere? Or, maybe it's just that the WWE's sad way to get a new chant into the mix. No matter which way, it spells certain doom for one of the WWE's most talented workers.

Lance is a very good catch for the WWE. Look at it, once. His technical ability rivals Bret Hart's (makes sense, since they were both trained by Stu Hart). His aerial talents are some of the best by someone not normally pegged as a cruiserweight. And, even though he can't swing a chair to save his soul, if Lance gets his hands on anything else, it looks pretty good. Top it off, Lance is the best damn straight man on the stick I have seen in a long time. I, personally, crack up every time he grabs the mic, because I know that I'm in store for another emotional (holding back chuckles just thinking about it) speech. What more can you ask for?

Well, I've got a devious plan. I want all the fans of this site to use the WWE's lame chant against them. If they want the sheep to chant "boring" whenever Lance Storm or any other real talent is out there, then the real fans can just use the chant on the truly "boring" characters and performers.

Every time we see Triple H reach for that damned sledgehammer or his "wish we were the Horsemen, but we are nothing more than a third rate Natural Born Thrillaz" Evolution goons, I want the rafters to shake with the deafening wail of "boring." Every time Goldberg comes out to put the masses to sleep, we should hear a "boring" chant so loud that people in surrounding states will be complaining about the noise. Whenever the Coach is on, he should be "boring-ed" right out of the friggin' building!

See, this whole "boring" thing works, provided that it is used properly. A few other good ideas to start chanting "boring":

* IF ANY IN-RING PROMO EITHER INVOLVES MORE THAN TWO PEOPLE (AND ISN'T THE HIGHLIGHT REEL) AND/OR RUNS MORE THAN TEN MINUTES. There is a reason why the marquee says wrestling. That's because that is what the fans paid for. If we wanted to hear some jackass flap his gums and go absolutely nowhere with it, we'd all tune into the Fox News Channel. If there is one thing I can't stand, it's that Vince thinks that he can make up for the lack of good storylines by trying to push these ridiculous feuds with twenty minute promos. Who the [censored] told him that this was a good idea?!

* IF THE MATCH BEING SEEN IS THE SAME MATCH WE'VE SEEN FOR THE LAST TWO WEEKS (SMACKDOWN! FANS CAN USE THIS ONE FOR ALL OF THE BENOIT/RHYNO VS. BASHAM BROS. MATCHES), IF NOT LONGER. If the match was boring the last few times, why the hell rehash it? You want to talk boring, nothing is worse than the Hurricane (mind you, I'm a big Hurri-fan) finding another flavor of the week partner to face off against La Resistance. Another thing about wrestling, it should be fresh. I swear, you can just watch RAW or SmackDown on a by-weekly basis, because the matches from last week will cover most of this week.

* IF THE WWE IS TRYING TO REKINDLE A FEUD THAT REALLY WON'T GO ANYWHERE (LESNAR/BIG SHOW, TRIPLE H/FOLEY). Something else that puts me to sleep is when we see another match between Brock Lesnar and the Big Show, or another Triple H vs. Rock match (thank God we haven't seen one of those winners for a while). Really, this is just another example of the WWE not burping their creative Tupperwear, and serving the fans another dry stale piece of burnt steak that was one of their "feuds of the year" of years past.

* IF THE MATCH FEATURES GOLDBERG, SCOTT STEINER, SHAWN MICHAELS, KEVIN NASH, BIG SHOW, A-TRAIN, THE DUDLEY BOYZ, OR ANYONE ELSE WHO IS JUST A WALKING SLEEPING PILL. With all of the talent the WWE has, both on TV and in OVW, I'm still trying to figure out why the Hell we can't see this talent. Every week, we are all subjected to another stupid Steiner match or another Goldberg squash, and I for one am sick of it. We have all read about Demaja, who finally showed up in the company as Danny Basham. But, where are Seven, Travis Bain, Nova, Mark Jindrak, or any of the other stars under WWE's developmental umbrella? Can't we see them instead of another Yawn Michaels sleeper. NOTE: Yes, I am so bored of Michaels that I refer to him as Yawn Michaels. Damn, even writing about him is bringing on yawns (I'm really not kidding about this).

* IF VINCE MCMAHON TRIES TO RE-ENACT HIS OLD AUSTIN FEUD WITH ANYONE WHO ISN'T AUSTIN (MR. AMERICA, ZACH GOWEN). Damn, I've noticed that most of the boredom from the WWE lately can all be traced to not being original. If it isn't old feuds or last weeks matches, it's trying to recreate an old feud with less than stellar results. With Hogan finally gone from the WWE (you have no clue how happy writing that makes me), Vince's first attempt at a Stone Cold rehash is dead and buried. But, he still has little Zach Gowen to work as the Bart Simpson to Vince's Sideshow Bob (finally, I got a Simpson's reference into one of my columns, now I can die happy). And, in all honesty, I don't think that it'll work. I love Gowen's work, but this feud with Vince is just going to hinder him more than help him.

* WHEN MISUSED TALENT (TOMMY DREAMER, FOR INSISTENCE) IS FORCED TO JOB...AGAIN (OOPS, THAT ONE DOESN'T GET A "BORING" CHANT, THAT ONE GETS A "BULLSH*T" CHANT). Remember back in the 80's, when WWF Superstars was just an hour of squash matches between mid card stars and Barry Horowitz? Well, Dreamer (as well as Lance Storm and many others) have been downsized into nothing more than Barry Horowitz with a (sorta) big paycheck. Why the Hell do these guys have to job week after week anyway? The WWE still has jobbers. You can see them on Velocity and Heat every week, provided you watch Velocity or Heat. I'll cover Lance's spot here a little later.

I know that some people aren't going to agree with me on all of these, but some people think that there have been a hundred Warriors in the WWF, so we know how some people think.

Lance Storm takes down Captain Boring

I guess I wouldn't have such a problem with this if the WWE hadn't already screwed Lance Storm's chances of ever getting over in the months leading into this stupid ass chant. What, you don't know what I'm talking about. Jesus, are you ever dense. Lance has been in a "slump" for months. He's had to job every week to anyone, even developmental star Lance Cade (oops, I mean "Garrison" Cade). Have we seen Cade since then? No. So, why have Storm job out?

The answer there seems really lame, but it was all to start that stupid "boring" chant. Holy Hell, I can't believe it! This column just came full circle. I feel so proud.

Well, maybe it's just that I'm not the fan that the WWE wants. I just can't bring myself down to chant something that demotes one of the best workers in the company to a joke. If Vince & Co. don't do something to fix this, their sheepish fans will ruin wrestling for all of us. I fear that if this crap continues for Storm, then who knows what will happen to technical wrestling in the WWE as we know it. And, what if this retarded chant makes it's way to SmackDown? Could we hear Chris Benoit or Kurt Angle being called "boring"?

Good God, I hope not.

by Emer Prevost


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