FIRED SOON

A fter suffering through the last few weeks of WWE 'entertainment', I have decided to figure out how the WWE could get back on track and be a respectable promotion again. I know that most people are going to frown on my plans here, but that is what that new rebuttal area is for at the end of all these columns. If you can do better, send an e-mail to OWW and it might get posted.

First things first, I would do some massive firing. Let's start with the talent less, washed up excuses for workers: Goldberg, Scott Steiner, Nathan Jones, Kevin Nash, Billy Gunn, Ric Flair, Big Show, A-Train, Mark Henry, and Shawn Michaels. Before anyone complains, Shawn is so past his prime that it's sad to see him in the ring again. The same can be said for Nash, and I'm a huge Nash fan, but he's lost a step. And that goes double for Flair (huge fan, but he's past his prime).

Next, fire Brian Gerwitz. He is the worthless piece of crap in the writing department that has given us all these rotten storylines. In fact, I say fire the whole writing staff and hire some competent people to do the writing. This would then eliminate another problem with the company... all the backstage segments.

Yep, my next move is to scrap all (and I mean ALL) the backstage segments except for about four backstage interviews per show. No more of the camera in the dressing rooms as Triple H or another Diva go on a rant that is about as interesting as watching flies screw. The shows will center around in ring action, and if the sheep don't like it, then we don't need them wasting space in the arenas. Speaking of wasting time with backstage crap...

No more 20 minute promos. Unless it is the Highlight Reel, no in ring promo should go beyond five minutes, but that is because there won't be so many in ring promos. The storylines will open up in the matches. The tickets all say wrestling, and that is what I'd give the fans. Now, I have spoken on most of the stuff so far (my loyal readers might even say that it is almost word for word from previous columns), but here comes the big part of my game plan. I'm gonna rebook both brands. Here come the pushes and changes.

First, for the RAW World Title picture. Triple H has to drop that belt cleanly to someone decent, and since I fired Goldberg, Nash, HBK, and Steiner, the playing field is open for some decent contenders. I would drop it to either Jericho, RVD, Kane, Booker T. (as soon as he gets back from his injury, if he comes back), or Test. Whoever didn't get the belt would be involved in the title hunt. And, while these five fight over the belt, Trips can take his honeymoon and heal up for a few months. When he comes back, he won't be in the World title picture right away. He'd have to work his way back up like everybody else.

As for the Tag Team title picture, I'd have La R�sistance hold on to the belt for a while, but they'd have some actual competition. Besides the Dudley (I'm really getting sick of the Dudley Boyz, I think I should have fired them earlier), I would continue with Rosey and Hurricane. I would also bring in Goldust and Lance Storm, as well as Mark Jindrak and Garrison Cade to challenge for the Tag Titles. With this much competition for the belts, there won't be time for more of those poorly booked six man tag matches. But, since the fans want six man tag matches so bad (which is what the WWE has been telling the fans they want by shoving them down our throats so much), then bring Nova out of development, give him his old Super Nova character, and team him up with the two current superheroes, forming a Justice League style stable. Now, we have the New Un-Americans (La R�sistance), The Dudley Boyz, and the Super Stable. That would at least spice things up a little if we have to continue with these six man tag matches.

Now, for the Intercontinental Belt. Christian gets to keep it a while longer, but he'll have to drop it sooner or later, and when he does, it would be to either Stevie Richards, Tommy Dreamer, Randy Orton, Rodney Mack, or Rico. Since the IC title was meant to push the deserving mid card stars, that's just what I would do. We also have a decent array of stars in the IC picture to make the belt mean something.

As for the rest of the RAW Roster, we only have Maven and Val Venis. These two would probably be thrown into the IC picture or made into a tag team (a la Austin/Dude Love) and put into the Tag Title picture.

The Women's Title is really in need of help. First off, Gail Kim and Trish Stratus are officially out of the running. I am sick of these two hogging the landscape and keeping the other Divas down. All the other Divas would instantly start in programs with Molly Holly until the fans are ready to let Trish (who's Chick Kick and Matrix Move have brought the women's division down to another boring match every week) and Gail come back and bore the Hell out of the crowds.

And, as for the Rock, that sellout son of a bitch can stay in Hollywood and make his substandard movies for all I care. And, if I had to deal with him, he'd be in the unemployment line with Big Poppa Steroid and Yawn Michaels. 'Nuff said. Now, on to SmackDown!

First off, Brock Lesnar is officially out of the WWE Title picture. There are much better people on the SmackDown brand to put in that spot. First thing's first, the "paper champion" (rot in the deepest pits of Hell, whoever the [censored] wrote that into RAW a few weeks ago) would go into a program with Ultimo Dragon. Face it, Ultimo against Kurt Angle would be a dream match. Also into the picture would be Edge (as soon as he recovers from his injury), Chris Benoit, and Eddie Guerrero. Yes, I know that Eddie is currently holding the US Title. Well, here's the thing...

The first thing I do is burn that horrendous excuse of a belt and just us the old WCW US Title with the WWE logo on it. Next, in order for Eddie to work right in the WWE Title scheme, he needs to drop the belt. Best bet is to give it to either John Cena, Tajiri, The Undertaker (he never had the belt before, now's a good time to start), Chris Kanyon, Rhyno, Brock Lesnar (the sheep would bleet up a storm if I didn't put this overrated mass of muscles some place), and Bill DeMott. The US Title picture is looking a little bit brighter, isn't it.

The Cruiserweight Title will go back to it's WCW glory days. Every cruiserweight in the SmackDown brand will be in the run for Rey's title. We'll see Zach Gowen, Funaki, Chavo Guerrero (again, after he comes back from his injury, which he was supposed to do a week ago), Shannon Moore, Matt Hardy, Kidman, Spanky, and the rest of the high flyers going after Rey. We'll have enough four way dances, battle royals, and six way matches to keep the Cruiserweight Title jumping. Since the WWE is almost doing this already, I'm just adding on to it.

Now, the SmackDown Tag Team Titles are in need of just a little help. There aren't enough teams to make the title interesting (just like on RAW, and I couldn't really help them out much). We only have Benjamin and Hass (who's team name seems to change by the week), APA, the Bashams, and the FBI. And, the Bashams and the Italians aren't used in the Title scheme anyway, so we have APA and the Team of Many Names (currently using The World's Greatest Tag Team).

First, Danny and Doug Basham are going to dump Sheniqua like a bad habit and finally get someplace. Sure, Danny sucks, but dammit, we need tag teams. Next, the FBI need a fourth member (I shoot for Big Vito) and form two teams (Vito and Johnny Stamboli & Nunzio and Chuck Palumbo). Now, we have three more tag teams, that now give us five tag teams, and now the Title might mean something. But, without Big Vito, we still have four teams, so we can have four way tag matches for the belt.

Well, I guess that this wasn't the greatest plan in the world, but it at least would be more entertaining than the current drek that the WWE is shoveling up and plopping on our plate week in and week out.

Now, before I leave you tonight, I have a message to send out.

I got a few e-mails accusing me of being nothing more than a bitchy prick who has nothing positive to say about the WWE today. Guess what, every other columnist on this site is almost as bad as I am. I just am more vocal about it. So, yes, I think that Shawn Michaels sucks, and I'm not hating, I'm stating my opinion. So, to all the assclowns who think I'm not a wrestling fan, I've been a fan longer than most of you ever will be, you bunch of ignorant Attitude sheep crack babies! I'm not called the Extreme Columnist for nothing.

by Emer Prevost