L adies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages. Obsessed With Wrestling proudly brings to you, its all-time most extreme columnist in the woooooooooooooooorld ---- me. Yep, I'm back from my long hiatus from the site, and I feel great. Not only am I back to wreak havoc upon the WWE sheep, but the WWE is finally getting its act together and cleaning out their roster. Let's look at the two I'm happiest about.

First up, Brock Lesnar...

What do you do when you have a promotion that is overwrought with big hulking retards? Well, if you are Vince McMahon, you hire MORE big hulking retards, of course. And Vinnie Mac found himself a winner right in his backyard (or, his farm league, to be honest). He found a six foot tall, three hundred pound man who can do a shooting star press. That man was Brock Lesnar.

The second he came into the WWE, he was groomed to be a Goldberg clone, beating on every single jobber and midcard star the company could throw at him. Brock couldn't be pinned by anyone. That was the only difference between Goldberg and Brock. Brock did lose some matches, but always by DQ. Finally, the time came for Brock to finally fall. He lost to the Big Show at the 2002 Survivor Series by way of a screw job (ringing any bells?). After this, Brock was still an unstoppable monster, plowing past every midcarder he could get his hands on, as well as the occasional loss to actual big name wrestlers, but those losses were few and far between.

Because of his monster push, Brock began to develop an ego. A big ego. An ego that could rival Kevin Nash's. That's one big [censored] ego. It grew to a size where Brock would start trying to pick fights with guys backstage and try to run the company. Maybe someone should have told this big goof that that kind of crap only pans out for Triple H and his friends.

After two years of being a Goldberg clone, Brock finally got to face the real deal at WrestleMania XX. But, just five days before this "epic" snooze fest, Brock said "I Quit" and left the WWE. He still had to do the match at WMXX, but after that, Brock was finally out of our hair.

Now, before anyone goes off half cocked and tells me that Brock actually had some talent, I will say yes. Brock had an awesome amateur background, but we rarely got to see it shine through, because Vince only brought him for his size. Brock's only job was to throw around some guys, give them an F-5, pin them, lather, rinse, repeat.

Speaking of repetition in its purest form... The other monster ego that has been excised from the WWE is the man that was the inspiration for Brock's 2D character, Bill Goldberg. Goldberg started spreading his AIDS like evil upon wrestling back in 1997 in WCW. He blazed a trail through the company with a "legendary" streak of wins with highlight wins against Hulk Hogan, Scott Hall, Barry Horowitz, The Renegade, Lodi, and John Nord (aka The Berzerker).

Soon, this Steve Austin clone (Brock must feel so happy that his character was a clone of a clone) suffered his first loss to Kevin Nash at Starrcade '98 by way of a screw job. But, that didn't stop this pinhead from continuing to bury all who came near him.

WCW started running out of ideas, so they had him re-do his streak. After this blew up in their faces, WCW was already on life support, so it really didn't matter. Then, Vince McMahon came knockin' on Goldberg's door. It was magic time.

Goldberg's first drop of venom in the WWE's blood came from a retarded teaser after WrestleMania XIX announcing Goldberg's arrival. To this, I replied (in front of a group of about 10 other people) "Oh, shit." I knew there was nothing good coming from this...

And I was right. Goldberg came in with a list of demands. Among his demands was a refusal to work house shows, as well as a laundry list of the men he wouldn't job to cleanly. Among the names on that list were Brock Lesnar and Triple H. Now, I have to be honest, it takes a set of balls (or the mind of a three year old) to tell your future boss what you will and will not do. I think that Vince knew he was getting in over his head a little. But, the contract was signed, and the horror began. First, Goldberg feuded with the Rock. You can probably guess I was less then pleased by this. I hate both of these pricks. But, that's just my opinion. Their matches were as expected: Bell rings, spear, jackhammer, pin, bell rings. After that, Goldberg started tearing through the WWE like a cancer, burying Chris Jericho, Rodney Mack, Rico, and Three Minute Warning.

Then, a miracle came. Another bane in the WWE, Triple H, dealt the big bald bonehead a loss at a house show. This is a double shocker. First, Goldberg was at a house show, and second, he jobbed to Triple H. Then, the feud began between another pair of guys I despise to no end. Again, I was bored to tears with Goldberg.

Finally, after so much torture, WrestleMania XX came along. We had Steve Austin refereeing a match between his WCW clone (Goldberg) and that clone's clone (Brock Lesnar). Well, let's just say, I'm not going to be watching that match any time soon.

After almost a year of this, Goldberg's contract came up, and, as of this writing, Vince has declined any offer to bring him back. All I can say to Vince McMahon is bravo. You finally got your head out of your ass and did something smart.

What does the future hold for these two grand prize gonads in the future? Well, Goldberg is working on a "Silent Night, Deadly Night" rip-off called "Santa Slays". After that, he'll probably go back to Japan and ruin those great companies. And, as for Brock Lesnar, he'll probably be signed to TNA (to which I beg the Jarrett's not to even look in his direction) and bury that company.

And, what does my future hold? I'm hoping to get back to my regular columns on my online home-away-from-home-in-my-home. As long as my PC holds out, that will be a reality.

by Emer Prevost