WWE RAW – April 16, 2012 – London, England
Announcers: Michael Cole & Jerry “The King” Lawler
[ REVIEWED BY DARBY GATORADE ]
NO-DQ NO-COUNTOUT – WWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
C.M. Punk defeated Mark Henry to retain the WWE championship: The Brits loved C.M. Punk. After the match, Chris Jericho came up on the big screen sitting in a fake bar. Jericho implied that Punk smelled like beer after last week. Jericho announced himself against Punk at Extreme Rules in a Chicago Street Fight! Punk said he couldn’t see how Jericho would survive a Chicago Street Fight with him. Punk said it was no longer about who was the best in the world, it was about him kicking Jericho’s ass. Punk said now he gets to do it in front of his friends and family. Jericho wanted Punk to promise to show up to Extreme Rules sober. Jericho then showed Punk going into a Pub just hours before RAW. Jericho asked if Punk was drunk right now. Punk invited Jericho to come down right now and see if he’s drunk. Punk said he went to a Pub to have fish and chips with a friend. Jericho said Punk was already making up stories. Jericho said Punk wants to be surrounded by alcohol, and is on the path to alcoholism. Jericho said Punk has lost his dignity, his honor, personal beliefs, and in two weeks he will lose the WWE championship. Punk said he was sick and tired of Jericho, but suddenly Jericho disappeared from the big screen to end the segment.
R-Truth & Theodore Long: R-Truth was dressed as Sherlock Holmes and said his job was to find Theodore Long a job. Long said somehow that’s the best news he’s gotten all month.
WWE UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH
Santino Marella defeated David Otunga to retain the WWE United States title: Santino teased the crowd coming out wearing eight t-shirts of sports teams…. he kept taking them off and getting booed until he had the London team shirt and they approved.
Josh Mathews & Lord Tensai: Lord Tensai told Josh he fears the unknown, then said something in Japanese. Tensai finished by saying I KNOW WHAT YOU FEAR!
Brock Lesnar: Brock Lesnar talked about nobody in the WWE having his accolades. Brock said he wants to be a wrecking machine. Brock bragged about dominating the WWE and UFC. Brock said he came back to legitimize the company and is tired of John Cena’s bull crap. Brock said the only reason Cena is around is because he left eight years ago, and if he was still around Cena would be the guy carrying his bags. Brock said there is nothing about him that is fake and what he did to Cena last week was real. Brock said Cena was scared and he had piss running down his leg and he shit his pants. Brock said he will bring the pain to John Cena. Brock said what makes him happy is beating people up!
Kane vs. Zack Ryder never got started: They showed clips of everything Kane did to Zack Ryder a few months ago. Kane attacked Ryder before the match and beat the crap out of him. Match never got started. Kane grabbed the microphone.
IN THE RING
Kane: Kane bragged about what he did to Randy Orton and Cowboy Bob Orton last week on SmackDown!. Kane said that Randy was just like his father.
Kofi Kingston & AJ + Daniel Bryan: Kofi was shown talking to AJ. Daniel came up and said just because he doesn’t want her doesn’t mean it is open season. AJ said nothing was happening. Daniel told AJ to watch what he does to Kofi tonight. Daniel changed the name of the Lebell-lock to the Yes-lock! Daniel then got the crowd chanting YES! YES YES YES YES YES YES!!
IN THE RING
John Cena: John Cena starting talking but all the crowd wanted to do was chant YES YES YES YES YES! Cena talked about John Laurinaitis not thinking much of him. Cena said when someone as powerful as JL uses his authority to end and replace him. Cena said JL wanted to legitimize the WWE, so he went out and got Brock Lesnar. Cenas said Lesnar got the whole world talking about WWE. Cena said after a year of listening to entertainment (Cena vs. Rock), Brock Lesnar stands for destruction. Cena said he knows what Lesnar is capable of, but if you show him a fearless man, he will call you a liar. Cena said if he walks into Chicago to get the biggest ass whoopin’ of his life he doesn’t care because HE WILL FIGHT! John Laurinaitis came out to the stage and did his lame self introduction. JL booked Cena in an Extreme Rules Match tonight but he won’t announce his opponent because that makes it more exciting.
R-Truth & Hornswoggle: R-Truth dressed as Sherlock Holmes walked out from behind a secret door in the book shelf. Hornswoggle was blown away and couldn’t get the door to open for him.
Daniel Bryan defeated Kofi Kingston by submission: The Brits love Daniel Bryan. Daniel Bryan used the Yes-lock to make Kofi submit. AJ was shown backstage watching her ex-boyfriend on a monitor. Daniel re-applied the Yes-lock on Kofi to punish him for hitting on AJ until Sheamus ran down to make the save!
Brodus Clay (w/The Funkettes, Cameron & Niomi) defeated Dolph Ziggler (w/Vickie Guerrero & Jack Swagger) by DQ: Brodus won by DQ when Swagger interfered. Brodus easily took care of both of them. Vickie yelled at Brodus for beating up her two guys and then she got into it with the Funkettes.
John Laurinaitis & David Otunga + Eve Torres: JL said if Otunga focused on his career like he focuses on everything he does for him, the sky is the limit. Eve interrupted and reminded JL that they were supposed to have a 1-on-1 this week. JL took both Eve and Otunga into his office along with a great idea.
TRIBUTE VIDEO: Chief Jay Strongbow RIP (1928-2012)
R-Truth & Theodore Long: R-Truth said he found a job for Long, the General Manager of SmackDown!. Long said that’s the job he just got fired from! Truth said Long has 8 years experience, so that makes him the perfect candidate! Long told Truth there was something wrong with him.
NON (WWE TAG TEAM TITLE) MATCH
The Big Show & The Great Khali defeated WWE Tag Team champions Epico & Primo w/Rosa: Abraham Washington came out to the stage to scout somebody in the ring. Rosa wanted to walk out with the titles but they were pulled back to the ring. Big Show & Khali hit simoltaneous choke-slams and scored double pins for the victory.
VIDEO PACKAGE: WWE Live Event in Moscow.
EXTREME RULES MATCH
Lord Tensai (w/his worshiper & John Laurinaitis & David Otunga) defeated John Cena: JL came out and said “GOOD LUCK, because you’re gonna need it!” before introducing Cena’s mystery opponent, Lord Tensai! Late in the match, Cena was going for the STF when David Otunga interfered! Cena got up and gave Otunga an Attitude Adjustment. This gave Lord Tensai the time to recover and spit green mist in Cena’s face! Tensai then hit a Choke-bomb on Cena for the win. Cena was desperately trying to wash his eyes out with water as the show went off the air.