HeadLocker — Jay Shannon
The ECW (3/3) Extreme Examination
Our resident philosopher, Jay Shannon, takes a look at a power-packed hour of wrestling excitement.
The show started with a look back at last week’s title match between Christian and Jack Swagger. Christian was really rolling until he struck the ring steps. There may have been nerve damage in Christian’s hand. Christian really couldn’t hit the KillSwitch, thanks to the damaged hand and shoulder. Swagger nailed the Gut Wrench Powerbomb to keep his title.
Kane came home to ECW through an entrance of fire. The arena was bathed in an eerie crimson glow. See No Evil will debut on Sci-Fi over the week-end. I’ve got that one on my video shelf. Definitely a good cheesy slasher movie. Kane’s opponent was The Boogeyman. These two so seriously should form a tag team.
Kane d The Boogeyman
The Finish:
Kane hit a big Bodyslam and then went to the top rope. Kane missed the Kane Klothesline. Boogey hit his Flying Splash in the corner. Kane came back and kicked Boogey out to the floor. Boogey fought back and slammed Kane’s face into the corner. Boogey flew off the top rope…right into the Chokeslam.
Grade: C (for creepy)
Jay’s Thoughts: Truthfully, this match meant absolutely nothing. Kane was on Sci-fi, basically to promo his movie, See No Evil, which debuts on the network in a seriously butchered (pun fully intended) form.
Santino, along with the Phoenix Phaction, arrived for the Money in the Bank Qualifying Match. His opponent was the World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry. Mark had Tony Atlas as his second.
Mark Henry d Santino Marella
Money in the Bank Qualifying Match
The Finish:
Mark wasn’t impressed with Santino. Santino went to the ropes and ran into the brick wall that was Mark Henry. Santino went to the floor and Mark went after him. Mark stopped to admire the Glamazon (Beth Phoenix). Rosa, her flunky, yelled at Mark to quit looking at her. Mark returned to the ring, where Santino tried, in vain, to gain an advantage over Mark. Santino went to the ropes and foolishly hit a Crossbody on Mark. Mark simply caught stood his ground and Santino fell to the match. Santino didn’t learn his lesson and tried for a second Crossbody. This time, Mark planted Santino with the World’s Strongest Slam.
Grade: C
Jay’s Thoughts: Who’s bright idea was it to put Kane and Mark Henry in this match? Shelton Benjamin, Brian Kendrick and Evan Bourne would make sense. Mark Henry? Heck, someone call Atlanta and let’s get Abdullah the Butcher out of retirement. What’s Rikishi doing these days? I mean, come on, let’s not get absurd with this year’s Money in the Bank match.
ECW returned with another look at Evan “Air” Bourne. If this kid doesn’t end up in the Money in the Bank match, there is absolutely no justice in wrestling.
Sigh. It was time for the Dirty Awards (presented by Miz and Morrison). Let’s make this as painless as possible.
Best Virgin: Nominees are Festus, D.J. Gabriel and Evan Bourne. The golden toilet goes to Evan Bourne.
Best Original Musical Performance: Nominees are Miz and Morrison, R-Truth and The Colons (two guys wearing butt masks). The golden toilet goes to Miz and Morrison.
Best Internet Video: Nominees are The Dirt Sheet, Word’s Up and Santino’s Casa. Of course, the Dirt Sheet won that one.
Miz and Morrison bragged about all their awards and tag title reign. Yeah, whatever.
Segment Grade: F-
Jay’s Thoughts: Hmmm, in this ridiculous waste of air time we could have seen D.J. Gabriel v Tyson Kidd. We could have watched Ricky Ortiz battle some jobber and swing that silly towel. Why does the WWE continue to waste precious air time with these asinine skits? Yes, Miz and Morrison have great mic skills but they are only as good as the material that they are given. These vignettes are so dumb that it really kills an otherwise great episode of ECW.
ECW then looked at the Randy Orton v Triple H situation. Orton originally chose to go after the World title (held by Edge). Triple H came out and taunted Orton into changing his mind into fighting him for the WWE title. Orton agreed, but Triple H has to keep his hands of Orton (unless physically provoked). Orton tried to verbally push HHH into battling him before Wrestlemania. If HHH puts his hands on Orton, Randy will press charges on HHH for assault with a deadly weapon (for the sledge hammer attack from last week). HHH threatened to break Orton’s neck at Wrestlemania.
Alicia Fox and D.J. Gabriel danced their way down to the ring. The Foxy One was set to battle Natalya in the next segment. ECW went to break as the Dance Dance Revolutionaries did their thing.
The dancing was still going on as ECW returned. That came to a screeching halt as the Anvilette, Natalya (Neidhart) made her way to the ring. She had her significant other, Tyson Kidd, with her.
Natalya d Alicia Fox
The Finish:
Fox hit a Flying Clothesline and tried for a Reverse School Girl Roll-up. Natalya kicked out at two. Fox kicked away at Natalya and went to the ropes. Fox went for a Hurancanrana but Natalya grabbed the legs and cinched in the infamous Hart Sharpshooter. Natalya gave the move a half twist to add extra torque. Fox had no choice but to submit.
Grade: A
Jay’s Thoughts: Why in the world isn’t Natalya wearing one of the two Women’s championship belts? She has been so under-used by the WWE that it’s insulting to the Hart Legacy. I can understand with some of the Harts (Teddy Hart and D.H. Smith), but Nattie has been a real go-getter since she arrived in WWE. She’s been done over, just like her dad was. It’s a darn shame. She could be on par with Beth Phoenix, as one of the most dominant females in recent WWE history. Instead, she’s arm candy for Tyson Kidd. Pathetic, isn’t it?
After the match, D.J. Gabriel got in the ring to check on Fox. Tyson Kidd attacked Gabriel. Gabriel reversed a Suplex and placed Kidd on the ropes. Gabriel then nailed a European Uppercut to send Kidd flying to the floor. Natalya checked on her man as Gabriel yelled at the two Canadians.
Todd and Matt then talked about John Cena‘s new movie, 12 Rounds. Cena plays a cop who accidentally kills a criminal’s girl. One year later, the criminal went after Danny Fisher’s (Cena) wife, Molly. Fisher had to go through a dozen challenges to save his woman.
Jay’s Thoughts: Can you say Discount Bin? This movie looks so bad that it makes The Marine look good. Cena is certainly no Dwayne “Don’t Call me The Rock” Johnson. Heck, he isn’t even a H.B. Haggerty. Someone give Cena back a mic and let him go back to the rappin’ schtick. At least some of the songs were tolerable.
After another break, ECW looked at the latest Hall of Fame inductee, “Cowboy” Bill Watts. Watts was a decent mid-card wrestler and a great promoter. Forget the flak he caught for his days in WCW, he made Mid-South/UWF one of the strongest promotions of the early 80s. He put Bixby, Oklahoma on the map. I still have fond memories of sitting in my big farm house in Kiowa, Oklahoma and watching the show on Saturdays. Darn, now I’m homesick.
Jack Swagger strolled from the back. The Lance Von Erich-like smile was back on the Oklahoman’s face. He was joined by The Miz and John Morrison. M & M did their Slow-Mo-Intro. Next out was Captain Charisma, Christian. he was joined by the Heart and Soul of ECW, Tommy Dreamer. The final member of the sextet was the Belfast Brawler, Finlay. Finlay had his “son”, Hornswoggle, at his side. The dwarf slid under the ring as the faces climbed into the ring.
Jack Swagger, The Miz and John Morrison d Christian, Finlay and Tommy Dreamer
Six-man tag team match
The Finish:
Morrison tried for the Moonlight Drive but Christian converted it into an attempt at the KillSwitch. Morrison, like most people, blocked the finisher and shoved Christian into the corner. Christian slid between the ropes and nailed Morrison with the Teeter-Totter Kick to the face. Christian climbed onto the ropes and laid out Morrison with a Tornado DDT. Christian ran over and Kneelifted Swagger, who was trying to enter the ring. Tommy then went after Swagger. Tommy pulled Swagger off the apron. Christian nailed the Benoit Diving Headbutt. Miz made the save. Finlay hit the Cactus (Jack) Clothesline to eliminate himself and Miz from the mix. Morrison went for his Chuck Kick but missed. No one noticed (except Todd Grisham) that Jack had Blind-Tagged into the match. Christian nailed the KillSwitch but Jack Swagger rushed in and nailed the Gut Wrench Powerbomb on Christian to take the win for his team.
Grade: A
Jay’s Thoughts: This was a really great way to end the night. Everyone got a chance to look good in this one. Finlay didn’t get as much ring time as usual. I’m wondering if he’s nursing some level of injury? Jack gets to take the win, which makes him look even stronger as ECW Champ. I’m really impressed with how they are pushing the kid. Unless he totally self-destructs, Jack could end up this generation’s Shawn Michaels.
–Jay Shannon
[email protected]
(3/4/09)