WRESTLING COLUMNS

You Know You're Obsessed With Wrestling If..

Every time you watch the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey you wonder why Flair never sued them for stealing his music You wonder if the wrecks in Nascar are works In a political debate at your school, you call Bob Dole a face, Al Gore a heel and Bill Clinton a tweener In your resume under experience you write "I'm the best there is the best there was and the best there ever will be" You carry a roll of tape in your underwear "just incase" You have a turkey vulture for a pet You buy the latest Sting album wondering how he can sing is he can't even talk You suspect your best friend is just setting you up for a heel turn You make the football team & instead of ordering a letter jacket you wear a Flair robe with your schools logo to classthereafter Go through an airport security line and you let them check everything except your boots.... You pose in a photo with a few frinds and instintively flash the "Four Horsemen"sign. You begin to shake someone's hand in public but then hesistate to look for the crowd's response. You get into a real fight, and you blade. You do the "Flair Strut" into a meeting at work.... When you talk to the boss, every other phrase is "Wooooo!"... You are at work, and accidently slip and fall against a table or chair, and wonder if you should "blade"... Your boss calls you in for a meeting on cutbacks, and you insist on talking about YOUR workrate ..... You go to shake someone's hand at work, and pull back at the last second to smooth down your hair and say "Woooooo!!!".... Someone else falls against a table/chair... and you start screaming "You're extreme! You're extreme!" During someone's retirement ceremony, you are asked to speak...you get up and talk about the person's average size, averagespeed, average carpentry skills... and then talk about how heparlayed it into a great career.... you then talk about how hecan't even open a beer anymore with his left hand... and thenproceed to tell a story about a fat broad slapping him on theback in a bar after work...etc.. etc.." You scream at the top of your lungs and you don't know why :) You start off every conversation with " ooooooooooh, whata rush " You die you mustache blond while leaving your beard black. After you beat someone up, you spray paint their back You constantly deny that Brian Christopher is your son After you beat someone up, you spray paint their back. After that, he back stabs all his friends and you let him into your group. Your job is your gimmick Someone you work with leaves for another job, with more money, you accuse them of being disloyal to the fed that made them a star. A promotion at work is seen as getting a push. Your first reaction on seeing the Diana crash was "She's hardcore" Every secret is "kayfabe". You claim that your favorite sports teams were "jobbed". You call any kind of fan a "mark". You flex in front of every mirror. You and your friends develop a secret hand signal. You won't go into a pet store for fear of lemmings. You post to RSPW. You chokeslam your cat. You rack your neighbor's dog. If you feel the need to do a Flair impersonation before going on Space Mountain. (Has anyone here ever done this.) You never sit in any chairs without checking them (ala wwf blue chair) or wcw balsa wood chair; for fear your weight might collaspe it. You tell your cat "Meow one more time, and you can forgetthe 'Fancy Feast' man, 'cause I'll open up a can of 'Whoop Ass' and see how you like the taste of that!" You see an American flag, and immediately cross your eyes, stick your tongue out, give a big thumbs up and yell, "HOOOOOO!!! Tough guy!" You dream about splashing your boss from the top of your cubicle walls. You win an award and immediately spray paint "nWo" onit. You rate women on a scale of Chyna to Sunny. You attend a graduation, and yell "Ooooooh yeah!" when 'Pomp and Circumstance' plays. You tell your significant other, "Not tonight, I'm watching [Raw/Nitro]" You start your own e-fed... with you as the only participant, and then try to out-book McMahon and Bischoff. You buy your four year old daughter a Ric Flair doll instead ofKen to go with her Barbie collection You wake up in the morning irsing from the dead like theUndertaker rather than just rolling out of bed Every time you sit down a table you consider how easily itmight break if you were to moonsault it. You buy a HBK doll to beat up Ken and go with Barbie You clothsline people in the supermarket for no real reason. You t-bone suplex your kids to bed You greet your in-laws by jumping around pointing to yourcrotch ala Syxx. You walk around with a towel on your head and you wipe yourfeet on invisible mats before you enter any room You shatter your knee-cap giving your friend a Tombstone Piledriver on concrete You're not embaressed anymore to go into a store and rent a wrestling video. You won't leave the bathroom until they play your theme music. You walk into a party you tell them to "cut the music" You walk into a bar and barge in the middle of a group of Mexicans talking and shout "Arriba La Raza!" You get into a public place and, for some sort of things you hear some people booing at something and you think they're booingat you and you start yelling at the people to shut up. You elbow smash your dog & turn him/her over for the threecount You start naming your pets after wrestlers. I.E. We have a cat named Kitty Kind and a new puppy named Dude Dog. You're getting busy with your woman, and for some reason it's not as good as it usually is, so you start chanting "BO-RING, BO-RING"... and you figure it's got somethingto do with her workrate You borrow $50,000 from the bank & start a carpentry business, & make all your chairs out of balsa & yourtables weak in the middle in hopes that the PE will hear & subcontract out to you. You give the AA thumb across the throat bit to your boss when going in for job reviews. You wear Macho Man sunglasses during job interviews. (Actually did this once,((homemade glasses of course)) after finding outthe company sucked after I had made the appointment.) For a Christmas present, you give your mom a pair of ring boots. You actually believe in your heart of hearts that the "Flair Flip" will work everytime he tries it, & cry yourself to sleep when it doesn't. You think Lady Di is probably really dead, but that Mother Theresa might be doing a really convincing work. You think John the Baptist Bladed. You try to convince your friends that regular sports are works, & wrestling is not. Whenever a limo goes by, you shout Woooooo hoping for a response from "The Man". You are late for work every Tuesday, cause you have to watch the tapes from the previous night again "just 1 more time". You climb chain-link fences and do Superfly Splashes off them-- in your sleep... You find yourself singing Grab them cakes and Real American Your four year old gives the Superfly sign before she jumps onyou Your first instinct was that Holyfield bled the hard way versus Tyson You keep waiting for run-ins during boxing matches While cleaning the garage you find old wooden chairs and first think of Afa jobbing to Atlas and Johnson You buy your fat mother-in-law some yellow polka dot "Dusty Rhodes" shorts. A trip to the barber with your friends turns into a "hair vs. hair match". Your loved one hits the switch at night and you attack, thinking it's a "lights out Texas death match". You wear a robe and tights to your job at Wendy's. You post a million times to RSPW about how much better you are than everyone else. You throw a coke at Eric Bischoff/nWo and ......it hits the TV screen. You think a fashion statement is a black trench coat You come up with move named "the atomic elbow drop" which is executed off the 3 meter spring board at a swimming pool (have to get the extreme height) Your wife asks to try out a move on YOU after just seeing it done on TV. Your wife makes you sit on the end of the bed/swimming pool to practice her flying cross body move since you don't have a realring. You are talking to a car sales person and they mention leather interior and all you can think of is Hogan without any skin. You see the clown at McDonalds and can only think of Doink and Dink. Your wife calls you the "Living Legend", but even better when she calls you Jake "the Snake" and yourname ain't Jake! You watch Star Search standup comedy acts, and say the first guy had a good workrate, but the second guys was as good withhigh spots galore. Then you say this battle was a 4 star match, but Ed McMahon's a terrible announcer and the crowd had minimal heat. Before you leave your friends yard, you take his head and slam his chain link fence on it. You feel obliged to leave a restaraunt with two toothpicks (one in mouth, one behind the ear) and do your best Scott Hallimpersonation. You win a fight and afterwards you start posing You were a kilt even though your not from Scotland after sex you tell your loved one "I'm the best there was the bestthere is and the best there ever will be" or "and nowthat's perfect" At the moment of a orgasm you say "oh Yeah dig it" After sex, you say "and thats the bottom line" When eating someplace were you don't like the food you say "I snack on danger I dine on death" You think Godzilla will be played by Yokozuna You think earthquakes are caused by John Tenta You call the doctors office asking for ether Dr.Death Steve Williams or Dr.Tom Pritchard and for a dentist you ask for IssacYankum DDS. You complain because your lover had a low workrate and feel you carried her/him through it. You think Elvis being dead is a angle You call yourself "Immortal" You have a fight but charge people to watch it. You start hi-fiving people you don't know After winning a fight you say "(insert name)3:16 just whipped your ass" You give up on ever getting a girlfriend because you are convinced that all of the finest women are at disney worldwaiting in line to ride space mountain. At a sporting event that foreign countries are competing you yell USA USA. At a boxing fight you tell everyone to stop marking out cause it's just an angle. Whenever you see an african-american you give the nation "fist in the air" sign. When a female says she's going to put on her face and you expect Sting paint or a mask to be worn when they get back. Your significant other buys you a plastic WCW World Champ belt and you actually wrestle to be able to declare who the "Champ" of the house is! You buy colored hair spray and pick out theme music for the above said match! You play "name that wrestler" like you play "name that tune" in as few notes from their theme music as possible. You start noticing that the "sons" of guys you used to watch in the 70's are now some of the stars. (dory & terry funk) You vividly remember the first time you ever met a wrestler outside of the venu in public. You remember when both you and Arn Anderson had hair! McMoney talks about a black champ and you mention Rufus R.Jones in under 3 seconds. (saw him in early 70's) You call your buddy on the phone before/durning/after any tv wrestling show and discuss it for at least 30 minutes in completedetail including how all of the events will tie together at someppv that has not even been booked. You make vacation plans as to not to miss any wrestling if a tvwith proper channels is not accessable Your three year old says "Daddy, let's play WCW" You spit out your gum and slap it You punch your friends, but stomp the ground to make it sound louder. You call yourself a "Jet flyin', limousine riding, son of a gun." You ask a girl out by telling her she wants to ride spacemountain. You do heel turns on your best friends for no reason You walk down the hallway of school like the bushwhackers. Before turning off a light/TV/computer you give the sign for a Flatliner. You carry around a portable tape player for entrance music. You finish every sentence with 'Whooo!' You sit at home all day refusing to do a job. Every time you write an exam, you tell the professor that you're the highest ranking official, and if you don't get an A, he's suspended. Whenever you pass through customs, you tell the Controller youare from "Parts Unknown". You go from town to town, making new groups of friends every few months, just so you can shock them by turning "NWO". You carry a roll of tape in every concievable piece of clothing..."Just In Case" Whenever someone accidentally knocks you down in a public place, you shout "Come On Ref! He pulled My Hair!" At Sunday dinner, you only get to eat if you "Tag In". You carry a foriign object in your underwear. When you don't have ana ssignment completed, no attack your teacher/boss to get yourself intentionally disqualified. You offer a briefcase full of money to someone to turn on hisbest friend. You offer $10,000 to anyone who can bodyslam you. You don't understand why there are wars when a steel-cage grudge match could settle things. Your bathrobe has your name on the back, in sequins. You carry a 2x4 and American flag everywhere, call everyone "tough guy" and puncuate every sentence with "HOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Instead of reading a bedtime story to your kids, you put them in a sleeper. When you do well on an exam, you stand up and yell, "Too Sweeeeeeetttt!" After an exam, when the professor tells you to hand in your papers, you inform him "The only thing I'm going to hand into you is a can of whoop ass, son!" You refer to studying as academic "hangin' and bangin'" and you tell people how you "hung and bung" all weekend When you go out with your girlfriend to the movies, and you're looking for a seat, you say "! Down that aisle!" When your professor messes up during a lecture, you call him a "ham 'n' egger who only got a push because of politicalreasons" You demand the lights be turned off before you enter a room, then suddenly clicked on once you reach the middle. When you answer a question correctly in class you say "BANG!" You strut to the board and say "Whoo!" before working out the problem You write "nWo" on all your boss's overheads while he's not looking Have theme music while entering for your thesis presentation Your entrance music plays every time you enter the office. You see a fight in the street and call the moves. You nick your finger preparing your lunch, then think you have just bladed. Whenever you punch anyone you use your arm and stamp on the ground simulataneously. Whenever you see a ladder you climb it to retrieve the belt. Any Japanese or Mexican colleagues are praised for their workrate. You paint your face and don't speak to your co-workers, then come to work with a bird. Or... you sit around work all day with this "Gen-X" attitude...and when someone talks to you, you start spouting off bad poetry! When your at the gym you play your belt like a guitar i.e Hogan Whenever you bet someone down you spray paint on there back When you're in trouble your friends come out and beat the H*llout of the other guy You tell your friends that they are so sweeeeeeeeeeet When you continuously say one or all of the following: whoooo, tooo sweeeet, that's the bottom line, extreme, oooooh yeah, andmany different uses of the word weasel. Do you whistle the NWO theme song as you have sex? Can you remember the last time you didn't watch wrestling on Monday night? You make your own championship belt out of cardboard and glitter and wear it everywhere you go. You do a "Jerry Lawler entrance" i.e. turn the lights off, and when they come back on your in the room............at adance. Every time you step outside your house the first thing you do is make your favorite wrestlers hand gesture . You have to smash a Pepsi can on your head before you can play WCW vs. the World. When you put your kids to bed, you tell them to "Rest In Peace" At the climactic moment of passion with your partner, you scream, "WHOOOOOOO!" When the boss yells at you, you get three of your buddies andpunk him in the parking lot. Someone at a party tells a funny joke and you accuse him of trying to get over. Anytime anybody asks you a question, you "grab the mike" and yell, "MEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAANGEEEEEEEEEEEEEENEE" You enter every room through the rafters with your son's voice introducing you. You can't walk into a room without Jimmy Hart singing your theme music. You can't enter a room without a large pyrotechnic display. Out of nowhere, you kick your boss and give him the Stone ColdStunner. You talk in a third person like, " 'cause [SC] (name) saidso" You throw paper and water bottles at your enemies, because they are acting like a heel. While playing a sport, your friend gets injured and you say it's a work. You see a guy a dancing and posing, and start to chant "He is Gay" You create different personas and believe they are different people. You see a Canadian=A0or foriegner, you start to chant "USA!" "USA!" You post the same thing over and over on RSPW to make your point. You show up at work in your everyday clothes and say "I don't need any stupid gimmicks to work!" You and your co-workers decide to go to rival or competitor andsay "We're taking over!" You're getting beat up in a bar fight, but you honestly believe that with a little crowd support, you can turn this thing around. You walk into church and slap people's hands in the pews while walking down the aisle. Your method for testing whether fruit is ripe consists of smashing it across someone's forehead. You giggle when someone says they've got a 'job' to do. You've learned all your dance steps from Shawn Michaels and Alex Wright. You get deja vu playing "Mortal Kombat." ("Fatality. Glacier wins.") You find yourself waiting for Jeff Foxworthy to slop drop an audience member. You watch the news and wonder if the 'extremely graphic images' were done by blading, capsule or hardway. You deliever 1 Diamond Cutter, 2 Stone Cold Stunners, and 1 DDT onto a binder all before Social Class starts When called up to the board at class, you call the teacher afat ass, kick her in gut, and apply the "Stone coldStunner"! then Show her she's number Two (ie. with both fingers) and walk back to your desk with your arms in the air. When called up to the board you stand up at the board, put your left arm straight out and cup your ear with your right hand andlisten for the reaction. Then, rip your shirt off... Every time you walk into a meeting, you clap your hands over your head singing, American Males You refuse to go to work unless they let you wear a dog collar and play Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust" in thebackground Whenever you see a guy with two girls, you run up to him and ask, "What do you have to say, Dreamer?" On a job application, you state your residence as "parts unknown" You challenge someone to a fight while wearing a mask, hoping they won't know it's really you You try to pick up girls by doing the nWo 'Look at my crotch' gesture. You power bomb your mom through the dinner table. After an argument with a friend, you shake hands, hug eachother and then after you raise both yours and your friend's armsin the air, as he looks to the side, you clothesline him. When you put up your wife or girlfriend up in a card game for 30 days if you lose. If you are a hair stylist and you put the person in a sleeper before you cut their hair When you have two...TWO t.v's set up right next to each other so you can catch both Raw and Nitro. You start your own "rival" company at work, call yourself the "Outsiders", recruit the President anddeclare in a board meeting "Jou want a WAR? Jou gawt onechico!" You carry around a tape recorder and before you say something you press play and it says: his message has been paid for by the new world order or web world order You start piledriving your pen with your fingers You meet a wrestler once and then call him your friend. You get into a fight at a USWA show over who was the better Mulkey Brother. You start to believe that you're sleeping with Terri Runnels. You spend sleepless nights trying to figure out if Flash and Jimmy Jack are related to Terry and Dory Jr. (They're not) You look on Peoplesearch for Randy and Bill Mulkey You are involved in a bar fight with a guy twice your size and you think your best line of attack is putting the Tongan deathgrip on him. You look for Sting on the back of the milk carton during breakfast. You search & search the bible for the book of Austin. You hit your ex boyfriend/husband with a high heel You start discussing who the jobbers/JTTS are in other sports You're trying to pick up a girl and you ask if she wants to go for a ride on Space Mountain... You found yourself marking out because the Braves had to job to the Mets on the last two games of the season...... After you ask for a Big Mac at McDonald's, you yell "AND THAT'S AN ORDER!" You call your group of friends a stable You go to a dance and start dancing like Alex Wright. In Chemistry, your friend drops a chemical on himself and you yell "He's Hardcore!" You try to figure out everyone's gimmick at Halloween. When a guy steals your girl, you consider it an angle. When there's a fight and you "mark out." You make a speech at work and you end it with "Quote the Raven...Nevermore". You get fired from work then show up the next day wearing amask. You get fired from work and go over to the competition, walking in the front and saying "YO! You know who I am, but don'tknow why I'm here!" You Stone Cold Stunner the manager before leaving When, in school, a teacher tells you to be quiet or do your work and you say, say what ya want, cause i really don't give adamn and stone cold stunner him\her and yell in front of the class, cause stone cold said so and that's the bottom line! You see Barbie and Ken and start wondering why Eric Bitchoff is with Sable in the same box. When your friend falls down, you drop an elbow on him. Your Idea of good sex is wrestling your loved one 2 out of 3 falls You are refereeing a sporting event and just as someone is cheating you turn your head You drop your buddy head first to piledrive the cement. You and some of your friends invade the local church beat upthe pastor until a few months later he takes your side. You go to a bingo hall and chant ecw ecw ecw or bingo just forthe hell of it You say ass every time you get a interview. You add spikes to your football shoulder pads. You paint yourself like a crow and don't talk to anyone for a year. You keep waiting for Jerry Lawler to be in a Parkay commercial. You know more about the wrestler than your own family. You wonder when max mini takes a bath if uses a lifejacket. You give enemies the figure 4 leglock around a goal post. Your teacher asks you about the new world order and the four horsemen and instead of answering historical facts you put up 4fingers and then chop your pelvis. You paint your face talk about powers of the universe runaround the block shaking fences before you have fight. Your idea of computer dating is downloading sunny. You call yourself the stunner. When ever you see free willy you yell paul bearer. You think the godwins were in deliverance. You shave your head grow a goatee and give your boss the stunner because you injure your self on the job. Your boss says he has a job for you to do and you lie down waiting for him/her to cover you for three seconds. During an episode of ER you chant we want blood we want blood. You kiss your TV whenever Sunny, Sable, Marlena or Kimberly areon. You think about bodyslammng Santa Clause. You yell whooo before you talk to anyone. You call your best friend your cousin. You are MC-ing a fundraiser and welcome everyone while yelling at the top of your lungs You go to taco bell and order a los buricous chili platter.. You consider fighting in the school yard a steel cage match. You can only count to three. You think the movie Buddy is a biographical film on GeorgeSteele. You name you son Hulk and your daughter Madusa (or is the other way around) You beat up Metermaids because they look like the big bossman You go to IHOP to see if Dusty Rhodes is in the pancake eating hall of fame. You start whooooing for no reason at all. You notice the ken doll looks like eric bitchoff You get a paper cut while dateing sunny's pictuure. You communicate more with people on the net more than your own family. When you are sick you look up Dr. Harvey Wippleman. You remember when Paul Bearer only had a couple of chins. When you see a fat out of shape dumb guy with a beard and a 2*4 and you yell hooo. In the middle of the fight, you start to look to the crowd and start grunting and yelling to generate some heat! You're watching a bar fight and someone gets cracked over the head with a chair, and you start chanting "ECW! ECW! ECW! ECW! You like think the Nitro Girls can Dance. You don't help your friend in a Bar fight Because you're a "FREE AGENT" You wear your big Styrofoam Macho Man cowboy hat in public. You go to your little sisters softball game and start a "we want blood" chant. You get into a argument with a friend at work and challenge him to a loser must retire match. You're in a football game and before kicking off you strut across the field hoping the crowd will respond with "whooooooooo!" You fly down to your office in a helicopter, jump off wearing jeans and the American flag, and bodyslam the fattest guy in the office... You watch kids playing at recess and if two get into a fight, you yell, "He's hardcore!" You can actually remember Stings last public words You go to a Rage Against the Machine concert and demand your money back when you don't hear "Degeneration X" You turn off the lights to go to bed, then immediately hide in the closet for 5 minutes to make sure Kane doesn't get you. You give your boss the Stone Cold Stunner and expect not to get fired. When wearing your NWO t-shirt, you look up at the ceiling before entering a room, to make sure Sting isn't waiting for you. You drove to Cleveland to find Cactus Jack in 1993. You figure you don't need to waste your time entering the contest to win Austin's truck since you went out and bought onejust like it last week. You refer to yourself as "the showstopper" When a co-worker wins an award you thought you should have, you either steal theirs or you go out and have your own made You consistently put up your wife/girlfriend for 30 days when making bets. You drive around to various softball fields looking for Sid. You want to break into the business by landing a part in the next WCW mini-movie. You call WCW asking for information on taking classes from Professor Mike Tenay. You have no rhythm and don't know how to dance, so when you go to parties you get drunk and try to dance like Alex Wright or theDisco Inferno You carry an American flag with you everywhere you go You wear a mask to work You tell everyone who disagrees with you to "suck it" You demand that they play your entrance music when you come into a room You shake hands with a friend and give him/her a short clothesline You get the urge to dive through a table (poor me....) When you get an "F" on a test in Spanish class, youspit on your teacher, punch him/her, then start complaining aboutscrewjobs. Shortly thereafter, you transfer to French class. You start complaining about the dorky kids in gym class always jobbing to the jocks. You refuse to take tests unless they are no DQ. Whenever there are other people in the bathroom, you start beating the crap out of them with the bathroom fixtures. You think Debra McMichael is a natural blonde. You start giving yourself weird hair styles. You start giving people the Rocky Maivia stare You read the entire list on this page wrote: If you have any comments, reactions, rebuttles or thoughts on this column, feel free to send them to the email below, If your email is intelligently written, they will be posted underneath this messege.. We at OnlineWorldofWrestling want to promote all points of view, and that includes YOURS.

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