The Katz Files – Arnie Katz
Ten Thins Guaranteed Not to Happen in 2009!
The Kingfish Arnie Katz looks into his crystal ball to identify 10 things that will definite not happen in professional wrestling in the coming year.
This is the week that every journalist with a typewriter cranks out some predictions for the coming year in his or her field. Pro wrestling is certainly no except to this, so you can expect to read many articles about what things are sure to happen in the next 12 months.
It’s an entertaining and reasonably easy column to produce, perfect for writing, and reading, during a week filled with holiday festivities. I’m sire I’ll do one in a day or two, when the Spirit of New Years takes control of my mind and fingers.
This time, though, I will attempt a much tougher task: I intend to predict 10 things that will not happen in professional wrestling in 2009. I submit that this will be a remarkable achievement, a veritable milestone in the history of pro wrestling journalism, because as we all know, anything can happen in pro wrestling.
Be that as it may, it’s time to stop tap dancing and make like Nostradamus — in reverse.
I predict that, in 2009, the following things will not happen:
* WWE will find a guy who’s bigger, handsomer and more awkward than The Great Khali. Someone has to be the world’s biggest crowbar and my nominee is the Punjabi Playboy.
* Vince McMahon will return to the airwaves and reveal that the explosion that nearly did him in actually gave him super powers. I almost wish this one would come true. I can see the comic book now.
* TNA will have a Knockout match better than the ones Gail Kim and Awesome Kong had. They had great chemistry – and there’s really no one in TNA’s Knockout Division who combined Kim’s allure, athleticism and charisma
* Hornswoggle will be revealed to be an alien, Batista’s third cousin or a woman. Talk about writing the show into a corner! They’ve now got a guy with a leprechaun for a son,’
* Brother Ray and Brother Devon will suddenly confess that they are not really brothers. I think they would probably go for it as a temporary bit, but TNA will never tamper with one of its major claims to credibility… the most decorated tag team current in operation.
* After the Professor makes some trenchant observation on iMPACT, Don West will contradict him. The former sports card pitchman has improved a lot in the last year or so, but he still falls back on echoing what Tenay has just said. I would very much like this prediction to turn out wrong.
* Lillian Garcia will wear a burnoose while announcing matches, No one looks half-naked better than WWE’s ring announcer.
* Rey Mysterio will have an injury-free year. Oh, how I wish this was on the “guaranteed to happen” rather than the “guaranteed to not happen” list. The Masked Marvel works so hard to put on a great show, it’s a shame that his style, plus the bulk of his oversized opponents, often results in surgery.
* Awesome Kong will do a Diva-style calendar. No0w ODB is a different story…
* WWE and TNA, terrified by the inroads MMA has made in a downward economy, stage a giant unification card. Even though it’s one surefire way to send the business shooting upward for a change, the two groups simply do not see working together as an advantage. Somewhere, Dana White, rubs his hands together and chuckles.
That’s it for today. I’ll be back tomorrow with another installment of the Internet’s fastest-rising daily wrestling column.
— Arnie Katz