TNA Impact (9/17) Insight

HeadLocker — Jay Shannon
The (9/17) Impact Insight
Our resident philosopher looks at the lead-in to No Surrender edition of TNA Impact.

The final pieces of the puzzle fell into place for Sunday’s No Surrender Pay-per-view. The two teams that square off for the Knockout Tag Team titles were decided…well, sort of. I’ll explain when we get there. Also, The Pope decided to bring enlightenment to the Dark Savior, Suicide. Mick Foley faced Kevin Nash for the Legends title. This and much more came from Orlando, Fl., this week.

I wanted to send out my deepest sympathies to Mick Foley and his family. The family patriarch, Jack Foley, passsed away, earlier this week. If you’ve read any of Mick’s biographies, you’ll know that he was very close to his father. In fact, the character of Cactus Jack was named after his dad. Mick even spent the early years of his wrestling career as Jack Foley. My wish is that the positive memories of Mr. Foley will help to off-set the pain that his family are now suffering. Rest in Peace, Jack.

The show opened with a look at the shocking destruction of LAX. Homicide jumped over to join the World Elite. Homicide cracked Hernandez with a steel chair, which led to a mugging by the anti-American forces, led by Eric Young. Homicide showed the ultimate disrespect to Hernandez by draping the Mexican flag across his former partner.

This Week’s Episode: Love in a Hellavator.

In the back, both Foley and Nash arrived for their title match. Foley had his kids with him.

Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin were back on the announce duties, along with Mike Tenay and Tazz. The Guns thanked Tazz and Tenay for being a part of “their” team. Tenay got in the best line of the week, so far:

“F.T.W.? It’s more like W.T.F.!”

Tara and Christy Hemme came out for their semi-final bout to crown the first Knockout Tag Team champions. They faced Angelina Love and Velvet Sky aka The Beautiful People. This was taped before Love was released from TNA.

Angelina Love and Velvet Sky d Tara and Christy Hemme
Knockout Tag Team Tournament — Semi-final Match

The Finish:

Sky taunted Tara and then threw Hemme across the ring, twice. Love then tagged back in and the Beautiful People double teamed Hemme. Love threw a hard Fore-arm Shot and sent Hemme to the ropes. The two women tried for the Faceslam, only to stun each other. Both Tara and Sky tagged in. Tara hit a hard kick and one of the best Snap Suplexes that I’ve ever seen. Tara hit the Evan Bourne Standing Moonsault and then tagged out to Hemme. Tara Scoop Slammed Sky and Hemme came off the ropes with the FFG. Love made the save. Tara then came in to take out Love. Tara threw Love to the outside. Madison Rayne then came to the ring. Sky screamed at her saying “We Got Rid of yer *ss”. Rayne then produced the perfume sprayer. Instead of spraying Sky, Rayne sprayed Hemme. Sky then School Girl’d the blinded Hemme to help her team advance to the finals.

Grade: B

Jay’s Thoughts: So The Beautiful People are in the finals. There is just one slight problem, Love has been released. I can only imagine that Rayne will step in to take Love’s spot. The only other option would be if Love got her papers straight and was brought back into TNA. I think the first option will be the likely one. I’m not happy that Tara and Hemme aren’t in the finals. I wanted to see Hemme/Tara v Kong/Saeed. I’ll talk more about this situation, later.

After the match, Rayne came in with the brown paper bag. One side had her face on it. The other had “I’m Sorry :(” written on it. Sky wasn’t buying it for a second. Love accepted her but Sky wouldn’t let her hug her.

In the back, Lauren talked with D’Angelo Dinero. Dinero went into full Street Preacher mode with all kinds of semi-religious references as he talked about bringing the light to Suicid-ee (yes, he called him Sue-i-sidee”). Dinero said he would save Suicide from the body of the whale only to Pimp Slap him back to Hell. After the rant, Pope said he planned to “lay hands” on Lauren. Lauren looked seriously offended.

D’Angelo Dinero made his way to the ring for his bout against Suicide. He was taking off his chains and such when Suicide was introduced. Suicide rose in smoke and fog and rushed to the ring.

D’Angelo Dinero d Suicide

The Finish:

Suicide got to his feet and Elbowed free. Dinero Irish Whipped Suicide to the corner but the masked one Floated Over and hit his Power Dropkick to send Dinero crashing into the corner. Suicide hit a more traditional Dropkick and tried, for the third time, for the Suicide Solution. Of course, Dinero got loose. Suicide lifted Dinero into the Fireman’s Carry and then nailed the Roll-Through Senton. Suicide went to the top rope and went for the Crossbody. Dinero got the knees up. Dinero seemed to injure his knees but he was still able to come back and nail the D.D.E (D’Angelo Dinero Express).

Grade: B+

Jay’s Thoughts: It is so time for Kaz to get rid of that whole Skeletor image and return to being the superstar that he’s been in the past. I’ve got mixed feelings about Da Pope. Dinero aka Elijah Burke is a very talented wrestler. He doesn’t need to cheapen himself with a chinzy gimmick like a Bad *ss Street Preacher. Just get in there and kick the stuffing out of somewhere and leave gimmicks, like this, to less talented wrestlers.

Tazz and Tenay ran down the rest of the night’s card. Rhino stomped around, backstage. He would be in action, next.

Lauren talked with Eric Young and the World Elite. Kiyoshi took the stick and said something in Japanese. Eric then talked about how Hernandez turned on Homicide, not the other way around. Eric said Hernandez got greedy and jealous. Eric said Homicide stood up for himself. Eric mentioned that Hernandez would have to face Kiyoshi and Bashir. Eric said that he would have to face Hernandez on Sunday.

Homicide then took the stick and went on a rant. Homicide said that the World Elite was his “familia”. Homicide that he would destroy Hernandez for leaving the gang.

TNA ran a promo piece for Rhino. Rhino will face Bobby Lashley on Sunday. Rhino is determined to destroy Lashley (yeah, that’s gonna happen). Rhino was in the ring with a mic. Rhino said he didn’t play politics, so people have moved ahead of him. Rhino whined about being passed over for so long. Rhino then talked about how TNA used his drinking issues as a storyline. He also grumbled about being stuck with Jesse Neal. Rhino said he had to kick Neal’s *ss for humiliating him. When Rhino started to talk about Lashley, the crowd picked up a “Bobby” chant. Rhino talked about how brutal he planned to get with Lashley. Rhino dissed Dixie Carter for ignoring him. The crowd started a “Shut the Hell Up!” chant. Rhino went off on Dixie for not calling him “The War Machine”, Rhino.

Brother Devon came from the back to try and talk sense to Rhino. Devon accused Rhino of “crying like a little b*tch”. The crowd started yelling “Whine-o”. Devon said he had to calm Bubba (Brother Ray) down. Devon said he was there to calm Rhino down. Devon talked about how he and Ray took Rhino under their wings when Rhino was getting started in ECW. Devon said he wasn’t there to fight or argue. Devon wanted to share “road stories” with Rhino. Devon pushed their history together. Devon said that they wanted Rhino to join them to push TNA to the next level. Devon and Rhino shook hands. Rhino then said he planned to “whup Devon’s *ss”. Rhino stomped and kicked Devon. Rhino set for the Gore! but Ray rushed the ring and beat the snot out of the soured War Machine.

Jay’s Thoughts: If Rhino wants to be recognized as a superstar, maybe he might want to win a match or two. When is the last time that he’s actually won a match? His whole “Poor Lil’ Ol’ Me” thing gets on my last nerve. My grandfather put it best: “Put on yer big boy drawers, suck it up and move on”.

TNA looked at the betrayal of Hernandez, yet again. That led to the ring, where Bashir and Kiyoshi waited. Hernandez then stomped to the ring, with his Feast or Fired briefcase.

Hernandez d Bashir and Kiyoshi
2-on-1 Handicap Match

The Finish:

Bashir went to the corner and dropped Hernandez with a Missile Dropkick. Bashir then tried to beat on Hernandez. Hernandez initially shoved Bashir off but Bashir continued the assault. Bashir hit a Neckbreaker and sent Kiyoshi up top for a Moonsault. He missed and Hernandez went over to Rocket Launch Bashir off another corner. Hernandez Clotheslined Kiyoshi and Pounced Bashir. Hernandez set for the Border Toss on Kiyoshi. Kiyoshi landed badly, crimping his neck. Hernandez got the pin.

Grade: B+

Jay’s Thoughts: The only thing that bothers me about this whole feud is that it diverts Hernandez from the World title picture. TNA seems to be clutching at straws with all these groups: Main Event Mafia, Frontline (which is basically dead) and World Elite. TNA really should streamline it into the black hats and the white hats.

After the match, Homicide and Eric Young attacked Hernandez. Homicide grabbed the briefcase and placed it across Hernandez’s throat. Eric then used a chair to drive the case into the throat. Hernandez was foaming at the mouth as TNA took a quick break.

Lauren chatted with ODB, who had a new hairstyle. Lauren talked about how the Knockouts have built the division. ODB said that she wouldn’t let any man come in and take their title. ODB said she wouldn’t let Cody Deaner make a mockery of the Knockout title.

The ring was surrounded by Knockouts for the next match. Alissa Flash entered the arena. Her opponent was Cody “Cooter” Deaner. He was wearing his new “King of the Knockouts” tank top. The Knockouts were seriously hostile to Deaner.

Alissa Flash d Cody Deaner
Lumberjill Inter-gender battle

Deaner was yelling at Hemme and Tara, when Alissa Flash sent Deaner over the ropes. On the outside, he continued to argue with the women, until he got Steam Rolled by Awesome Kong. All the Knockouts began beating the crap out of Deaner. Roxxi and SoJo Bolt teamed up to Double Suplex Deaner on the ramp. Deaner was then whipped into the steel post. The women then rolled Deaner into the ring for an easy pin.

Grade: A

Jay’s Thoughts: Cody so reminds me of my daughter’s ex-husband, Danny. He was the same arrogant jerk that Cody comes across as. My daughter and her boys were at the movies during this week’s TNA show. If they had been here, I know Jess would have been cheering on the Knockouts to…well…knock out Cooter.

Kong and Tara starting fighting around ringside. neither woman gave an inch. Deaner started to leave, but ODB was waiting for him. She blasted him in the face with her flask.

Lauren talked with Kevin Nash about the Big Sexy World Tour and the dozens of women and men that have applied for the job. Nash was more interested in the women than his battles with Foley and Abyss. Lauren read Nash the riot act for his behavior. Nash then put the moves on Lauren, inviting her to participate in his search. Nash gave wine to Lauren and then brought in a rather plump and busty girl to sit on his lap. Nash pushed the virtues of BBWs (Big Beautiful Women).

JB then talked with Mick Foley. Foley said Nash brought Foley back to his old self. Foley said no one or nothing would stop him from taking back TNA.

Nash came out for the Hour Turner match. He would defend his Legends title, now, instead of in the promoted main event. Nash was sporting his new t-shirt. Foley then came out in full Cactus Jack mode.

Kevin Nash d Mick Foley (by DQ)
Legends Championship Match

The Finish:

Nash ran Foley into the barrier, steps and ring apron. The two rolled back into the ring. Nash hit a series of hard Back Elbows to Foley’s face. Nash choked Foley on the ropes. He then punched Foley in the skull. Foley was busted open, slightly. As Nash choked Foley on the ropes, Abyss came down with Barbie, the barbed wire bat. The ref called for the bell, disqualifying Foley for outside interference.

Grade; D

Jay’s Thoughts: OK, I feel completely cheated on that match. That was supposed to be the main event and it got shifted into the Hour Turner spot. Then Abyss comes lumbering out there and trashes the match. This was billed as having the potential of being one of the bloodiest matches in TNA history. A vampire would starve on the tiny amount of crimson that flowed. TNA came blame the ratings decline on messed up coding on the satellite receivers if they want to. I blame garbage like this.

Foley turned his back on Abyss. Foley picked up the bat and left the ring. Foley told Abyss to stay away from him. Abyss looked ready to cry.

Lauren talked with Brother Ray and Robert Roode. They would battle Brutus Magnus and Scott Steiner for the Man-Up advantage in the Lethal Lockdown match on Sunday. Ray talked about how bad the cage was that all 8 would be in. Ray ran a rant about respect and how they had a mutual alliance to take out Steiner and Magnus. He asked Roode for his thoughts. His response? “Testify”!

Abyss was freaking out in the back. Lauren tried to calm him down. Abyss wanted to find Foley to apologize. Abyss started crying when he thought Foley was mad at him.

Scott Steiner (with Booker T) and Brutus Magnus (with Rob Terry and Doug Williams) came to the ring. Robert Roode, James Storm, Brother Ray and Brother Devon then walked out, in force.

Scott Steiner and Brutus Magnus d Robert Roode and Brother Ray
Man Advantage in Lethal Lockdown, tag team match

The Finish:

Roode came off the ropes and took down Brutus with a Flying Fore-arm. Roode hit the Back Body Drop and the Running Clothesline in the corner. Roode then went after Steiner, who had entered the ring. After taking him out, Roode rushed the corner, again. Brutus got the boot up and charged at Roode. Roode planted him with the Anderson Spinebuster. Steiner made the save. Ray then took out Scott. Ray then jumped Booker. Roode locked in the Pay-Off (Fisherman Suplex) but the ref was distracted. Doug Williams rushed it and slammed the IWGP tag belt into Roode’s head and chest. Brutus took the tainted victory.

Grade: B-

Jay’s Thoughts: Is it just me or has the tag team scene grown very stale? The Motor City Machine Guns are more interested in being cheesy announcers. Lethal Consequences has been floundering. Styles and Daniels are doing their own thing. We need more teams, darn it.

TNA ran a promo video about a charity event that TNA did, a year back. It helped to build a new Boys and Girls Club. TNA would be doing another show, later, to help the same charity.

TNA went to a quick segment with Bobby Lashley. When Lashley was asked for a comment about Sunday, he said: “I’m gonna knock his *ss out”. The “his” would be Rhino.

Awesome Kong and Raisha Saeed arrived for the second Semi-final Knockout Tag Team tournament match. Taylor Wilde and Sarita then arrived. TNA ran clips of how each team made it past the opening round.

Taylor Wilde and Sarita d Awesome Kong and Raisha Saeed
Knockout Tag Team Tournament — Semi-final match

The Finish:

Wilde did tag in and took down Saeed with a Dropkick and Tilt-a-Whirl Head Scissors. Wilde went for the Hurancanrana into the Small Package. Kong made the save. Sarita caught Kong in the face with a Basement Dropkick (Tenay’s name for it). Sarita then back up for another run at Kong. Kong waited for Sarita to vault up onto the ropes and then used her feet to kick Sarita over the ropes. Kong then punched her in the ribs. Kong came off the ropes and landed on Sarita. Back in the ring, Saeed dropped Wilde with a Back Heel Sweep. Saeed went to the corner and Wilde Kipped Up. Saeed then charged at Wilde, who caught her in a Bridging Back Suplex to take the surprise win.

Grade: B

Jay’s Thoughts: I, officially, no longer give a rat’s backside who wins these silly belts. Kong and Saeed v Tara and Hemme would have been fantastic. Bimbo Team A v Bimbo Team B is just another Bathroom Break match. The titles mean nothing, even before they are awarded. That tells me that TNA really needs to look into replacing a writer or two. I’d be willing to relocate to Florida.

Kong shrieked when it dawned on her that they had lost. She stormed the ring and chased Wilde and Sarita out of the ring. Lauren talked with Wilde and Sarita at ringside. Wilde said that they only had one hurdle to jump to be the first Knockout Tag Team champs. Sarita spoke in Spanish, way to fast for me to understand. TNA went to break.

Tenay ran down the over-seas tour that would happen, next week. Tazz then talked about Bound For Glory. From there, JB chatted with Kurt Angle. JB talked about the three contenders to the crown. JB focused on Matt Morgan. Angle mentioned that Morgan, Sting and A.J. Styles were all great but he was the champ. Angle talked about giving his all and having more pride than the other three, combined.

Tenay and Tazz ran down the final card for No Surrender. Lauren then talked to Styles and Sting. She wanted to know if their would be issues when the teacher and student had to face each other. Sting said he knew that Styles would want Sting’s best. Styles said that Sting has shown more patience in him than anyone else. Styles said he knew that Sting would want him to bring his best.

TNA ran a video piece on the issues between Matt Morgan and Kurt Angle. Angle has short-circuited Morgan on several occasions. Morgan finally got his fill and nailed the Hellavator on Angle. Speaking of Angle, he walked to the announce table to watch the main event.

Samoa Joe came out first for the main event. he still wore the black towel over his head and carried his X-Division title. Morgan then arrived in his DNA of TNA robe. Angle said that Morgan would not be allowed in the Main Event Mafia.

Matt Morgan d Samoa Joe (by DQ)
Non-title match

The Finish:

Morgan took his eye off the prize by staring at Angle. That allowed Joe to attack. Joe kicked the thigh of Morgan over and over. Hoe hit the Back Suplex but Morgan jumped up. Morgan hit the Chokeslam and prepared for the Carbon Footprint. Joe left the ring to avoid the move. Joe dragged Matt to the outside and ran him into the barrier and ring apron. Morgan shrugged it off and attacked Joe. Morgan hit a Headbutt. Joe threw Morgan into the announce table. Kurt called Morgan a “son of a b*tch” and attacked him. The ref called for the bell.

Grade: A-

While Kurt and Matt battled, Daniels ran out to slug it out with Joe. Security rushed out to break it up. TNA went to break.

The fight was still going after the break. Morgan broke out of the sea of refs and security. he pounded on Kurt. Morgan was pulled back and then Angle jumped him. The forces tried their best to keep them apart, with minimal success. Morgan hit a Headbutt but Angle answered with an Angleslam to send Morgan through a table. Angle screamed at Morgan as TNA went to black.

Jay’s Thoughts: I really think TNA should pull a major swerve and give Morgan the belt. See what the kid has in him. he could drop the strap to Lashley, down the road. I’m sure that TNA wants Lashley to wear the strap to bridge the gap between wrestling and MMA. Plus, it’s past time for Angle to drop the strap. He’s a total mess, right now. He needs a few weeks (or months) off to get his life straight.

Final Grade: B-

Final Thoughts: No Surrender is going to stink like week-old fish. I’ll be predicting the train wreck, a little later. TNA is starting to feel like a late 2000 WCW, these days. The bloodletting, as it relates to talent releases, is going to come back to haunt TNA. Jeff Jarrett can’t keep his mind on business. Kurt can stay out of trouble. The tag team division has turned into a 4-horse race. TNA is in big trouble, I think. They need to do something radical. Can someone give Paul Heyman’s phone number to Dixie Carter?

— Jay Shannon
[email protected]
(9/18/09)

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