HeadLocker — Jay Shannon
My Wrestlemania 25 Predictions
Our resident philosopher, Jay Shannon, breaks out his crystal ball, lucky coin and tea leaves to try and predict the most unpredictable of all Pay Per Views, Wrestlemania 25
Well, it’s time for the Big Daddy of wrestling shows, Wrestlemania 25. This has to be the toughest show to try and predict. WWE is seriously ready to throw everything they have into this madness. Expect surprises all over Hell’s Half Acre. This show will be more bizarre than the ending of Life on Mars.I’m going to do my best to just not come out looking totally idiotic as I sift through this Hodge Podge of matches. Let’s see how well I do.
JBL v Rey Mysterio
Intercontinental Championship Match
The Backstory: JBL basically came out of nowhere to take the I-C title off C.M. Punk. Rey, who hasn’t really done squat since jumping to Raw, wants the strap. JBL has sworn to make Wrestlemania history on Sunday.
Predictions: I’m thinking the whole “Making History” thing will revolve around JBL being the first competitor to work a match and serve as a commentator during Wrestlemania. With Tazz gone from the WWE, Jim Ross needs a partner. I’m expecting JBL and Rey to open the show. To really push the whole “Historic” angle, I think JBL will hit the Clothesline From Hell on Rey Rey to retain. He’ll probably drop the belt to Rey or someone on Monday’s Raw, so he can become the new color guy over on Smackdown.
Predicted Winner: JBL
Predicted Grade: A-
25 Diva Battle Royal (actually 24 Divas and 1 Divo)
Backstory: The WWE has decided to roll out several past, present and future Divas to earn the title of Miss Wrestlemania. Out of nowhere, Santino Marella has decided to prove his is “man enough to be Miss Wrestlemania. It’s unclear just who is going to be involved in the match, though Wendi Richter will not be there.
Predictions: There is going to be no mid-ground in this one. It’s either going to rock the house or stink like month-old milk. Santino’s the wild card in this mess. I’m expecting Trish, Lita and maybe even Chyna or Sable to show up. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Peggy Lee Leather and a few other 80s mid-level female wrestlers trotted out for this. WWE is going to go one of two ways with this one: comic or sincere. Truthfully, I’m expecting them to turn this into the Barnum and Bailey match of the year.
I’m going to go out on a real limb with this one. I’m expecting it to come down to four people: Santino, Mae Young, Gail Kim and Beth Phoenix. Mae decides to smooch away at Santino and Beth gets jealous. Beth “gently” tosses the octogenarian lust money out onto her overly wrinkled butt. Beth then has a hissy fit and gives Santino the third degree for “cheating on her”. Gail Kim slips in and flips both of them out and takes the prize.
Predicted Winner: Gail Kim
Predicted Grade: B+
Carlito & Primo v Miz & John Morrison
Tag Team Unification Match
Backstory: For years, I’ve been grumbling that there were too many belts in the WWE. It looks like the WWE has finally seen things like I do. They have decided to unify the two sets of tag titles into one. The winner of this contest will earn both the World and WWE tag titles. Or so they say.
Predictions: I’m expecting this to be the Tick Off the Fans match. Somehow, this match is going to end up without a decisive winner. The Bellas should get involved, unless the match is placed too close to the Bimbo Battle Royal. If the WWE were really going to unify the belts, I’d give the straps to Miz and Morrison. They are so much the better team. They have better mic skills and a larger collection of moves in their arsenal. Morrison’s Moonlight Drive would be the finisher to take the win. Again, I’m expecting some kind of Double Countout or Double DQ. Something is going to screw up this match. I’d just about bet the farm on it.
Predicted Winner: Neither team (Double Countout)
Predicted Grade: C-
Chris Jericho v WWE Legends (Jimmy Snuka, Roddy Piper and Ricky Steamboat)
Backstory: Jericho got cranky when he saw The Wrestler. He felt it gave washed-up old wrestlers some kind of honor for pimping their souls for a last few minutes of fame. Jericho originally wanted to fight Mickey Rourke, but the actor backed out. Jericho then attacked Piper, Steamboat, Piper and Ric Flair. Jericho wanted to battle Flair, but Ric wanted to stay retired. Jericho now has to battle all three veterans and pin each one, individually.
Predictions: Jericho is going to lose this one. The question is who’s going to take him out. If this was a perfect world, Hulk Hogan would have been there to take him out. It would be cool if he’d show up. I’m not holding my voice for that. I do expect Rourke and Flair to get involved. Jericho will likely eliminate Piper and Snuka. Piper can barely walk, these days. Snuka is rapidly rushing towards Iron Sheik level. Snuka will last a bit longer than Piper but will head to the back after the Walls of Jericho. Steamboat is going to unleash a flurry of martial arts moves on Jericho. Jericho will reach a point where he has Steamboat beaten but will take the time to taunt Flair and Rourke. Rourke will jump the rail and get in Jericho’s face. Steamboat will catch Jericho with a simple Roll-up following a shot to the face from Rourke. After the match, all kinds of Legends are going to stroll out to the ring. This match will likely be placed right after the introduction of the Hall of Fame Class of 2009.
Predicted Winner: Ricky Steamboat for the Legends
Predicted Grade: A
Kane v Christian v C.M. Punk v Kofi Kingston v Mark Henry v Finlay v MVP v Shelton Benjamin
Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Backstory: WWE went with some unlikely choices for this year’s match. Kane has been really pushed as the dominant man in this match. The winner of this one will, of course, get a future title shot.
Predictions: I like swerves, always have. This one’s going to be the King of the Swerves. First of all, Punk is going to turn heel when he attacks his friend and long-time partner, Kofi Kingston. MVP and Shelton will just cancel each other out. I’m expecting Christian to take the win in this one. I also expect him to show up. later in the night. I’ll explain that a little further down.
Predicted Winner: Christian
Predicted Grade: A
Matt Hardy v Jeff Hardy
Extreme Rules Match
Backstory: Matt grew jealous of his little brother when Jeff got a bigger and better push than he did. Matt set up all kinds of “accidents” to spook his sibling. Matt then cost Jeff his WWE title with a chair shot to the skull. Jeff wants revenge against his brother for the betrayal. Matt wants to eliminate his brother.
Predictions: This is like the Owen v Bret feud,,, only in reverse. When it comes to this one, you have to think where things would go after Wrestlemania. If Matt destroys Jeff, neither man has much of anywhere to go. If Jeff can overcome even his own brother, he comes out as a stronger face than ever. Since wrestling is all about marketing, I just have to think that Jeff is going to take this one. I expect a Swanton onto Matt, putting him through a table.
Predicted Winner: Jeff Hardy
Predicted Grade: A+
Triple H v Randy Orton
WWE Championship Match, if HHH is DQd or brings out the sledge hammer he loses the belt
Backstory: This one is almost as diluted as my favorite soap, the soon-to-be-canceled Guiding Light. Randy Orton was about to get his butt fired when he attacked Vince McMahon. He kicked Vinny Mac in the head in one of the most replayed video segments in WWE history. Heck, they didn’t show Hulk Hogan pinning The Iron Sheik as much as they showed Orton Field Goaling Vince’s cabeza. Orton then went after Shane McMahon. He took out Das Wunderkid in a brutal battle at No Way Out. Orton went a little too far when he attacked Stephanie McMahon. WWE finally revealed the worst kept secret in wrestling history, as they explained that HHH and Steph were really married. HHH took major exception to Orton attacking his sweetie. The two men have continued to one-up each other in the brutality.
Predictions: This one has the odd stipulation that if HHH gets DQ’d or breaks out the sledge, he loses both the match and the belt. I really think that will play into this one. Trip just isn’t going to be able to hold back. He’s going to tear into Orton like a tornado ripping through the midwest. Orton is going to win the belt, but have to surrender it, because he won’t be able to defend it. That’s going to set up a tourney that gets settled at Night of Champions.
Predicted Winner: Randy Orton (by DQ)
Predicted Grade: A-
Shawn Michaels v Undertaker
Backstory: Shawn wanted the Big Dog for the Wrestlemania super show. Shawn has been playing some of the best mind games in recent wrestling history. Shawn has caught ‘Taker with Sweet Chin Music on several occasions. ‘Taker is putting his unbeaten streak on the line.
Predictions: This should be tough to call. For me, it’s actually the easiest one of the show. This is likely ‘Taker’s last Wrestlemania. It would be a marketer’s dream to be able to promote him as “The only man to never lose at Wrestlemania.”. In addition to that, Shawn Michaels was allowed the big win over Ric Flair, last year. I’m expecting ‘Taker to arrive in grand fashion, with his old manager, Paul Bearer. This match is going to be Match of the Year. Shawn is going to hit Sweet Chin Music, which ‘Taker will survive. ‘Taker will nail the Tombstone, only to have Shawn kick out at two plus. The end is going to come when Shawn goes to lock in the Figure Four. ‘Taker is going to turn that into his Hell’s Gate move. Shawn will fight longer and harder than anyone has, only to finally tap out.
Predicted Winner: Undertaker
Predicted Grade: A+
Edge v John Cena v Big Show
World Heavyweight Championship,Triple Threat Match
Backstory: Big Show has been having an affair with Vickie. John Cena blew the whistle on her hoochie-mama behavior. That set Edge off against both Cena and Show. Show is ticked off at Cena for revealing the secret. Show is ticked at Edge for his treatment of Vickie. All this and more on the next edition of Guiding Li…errr Smackdown.
Predictions: The fans are hoping that Cena takes the battle. The winner of this gets the belt and Vickie. While I wouldn’t kick Vickie out of my bed, most fans kind of find her revolting. I’m looking for a vicious,.nasty battle that will end after Show pops Cena with his Knockout Punch. Edge will then pick the bones. He’ll toss Show out of the ring and nail a Spear on Cena to retain. Out of nowhere, Christian will show up to beat his exhausted “brother” for the title. Christian will easily take the strap.
Predicted Winner: Edge, then Christian
Predicted Grade: A+
Final Grade: A
Final Predictions: I’m keeping a positive mindset about this PPV. I’m hoping for a few big surprises (Hogan, Savage, Backlund, etc…) There are going to be some highspots that they will still be talking about at Wrestlemania 50. ‘Taker v Shawn is going to be the match to watch. It’s going to be a great mix of superstar action and Big Time comedy. I just pray that Creative don’t drop the ball on this one.
— Jay Shannon