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The Katz Files – Arnie Katz

My 2009 Pro Wrestling Predictions!

The Kingfish Arnie Katz starts a new year of columns with a look at some of the things that he expects fans will see in the next 12 months.

The start of a new year is always the time for summaries of the year just ended and predictions about the one that’s about to begin. My colleague Jay Shannon did a fine job of reviewing the year with a pair of columns you need to go read, so I’m going to concentrate on looking forward.

One thing that has always annoyed me about a lot of wrestling predictions is that they aren’t predictions at all. They are more like news leaks based on alleged “inside information.”

There’ll be none of that here. After 10 days of all-out hedonistic celebration, I’m lucky that I remember my name, much less secret tidbits worthy of being phonied up into predictions. So, while wishing I had Galadriel’s Mirror, I’ll going into this one Unprotected.

Here’s what I predict will happen in 2009…

* Shawn Michaels will turn on John Bradshaw Leyfield at a critical juncture. Ignoring his financial interests, HBK will pay the Cowboy Financier back for all those indignities.

* Twp wrestlers will manifest a Difference of Opinion about something like the Iraq War or pizza toppings. They will almost immediately decide that the only reasonable way to settle the argument is to see who can beat hell out of whom in the ring. Some fans will wonder why the Democrats and the Re0plublicans can’t settle their disagreements in a revival of WCW’s WarGames.

* Kane will suddenly, and more or less inexplicably, develop an overpowering hatred of someone he can credibly claim he will destroy. When the matches take place, though, the intended victim will do more than his share of damage to the Big Red Machine.

* Two guys whose names have never been connected in any way will suddenly turn out to be life-long friends who team together to take the tag team belts. The duo will, through misunderstandings, develop issues that can only be settled in the ring. The two will fight, with one turning heel, for sole possession of the tag team belts.

* A WWE diva will somehow get involved in the Great Khali Kiss Cam gimmick. A heel will take exception to the kiss and get into a war with the Punjabi Playboy. Rungen Singh will howl like a fear-crazed monkey as Great Khali makes the world safe for huge guys who want to smooch with strangers on television.

* An announcer will fail to understand the storyline of an important match and blather on about “respect” or “a chance to become a contender for a title” while the guys in the ring pummel each other about something else.

* An aging wrestler who has had great success in the distant past will return to the promotion and the announcers will tell fans that “he’s in the best shape of his career.”

* When Rey Mysterio gets into the ring against anyone larger than he is, which is just about everyone in WWE except maybe Lillian Garcia, fans will have to sit through an endless spiel about how he is the ultimate underdog.

* Triple H will win the WWE Championship.

* A tag team will disparage the achievements of Team 3D and end up fighting them in the ring in a battle for “respect.”

* I could make the same predictions for 2010 with just as good a chance that all of them will come true.

That’s all for today. I’ll be back t0morrow with a fresh installment of the Internet’s fastest-rising daily pro wrestling column. I hope you’ll come back and join me and, please, bring your friends.

— Arnie Katz
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