TNA IMPACT 01 29 2009


Location: Orlando, Florida (Universal Studios)
Date: January 29, 2009 (Taped: January 26)

OPENING VIDEO: An opening video played featuring the five members of the Main Event Mafia talking about their reign on top of the pro-wrestling world.

Jeremy Borash & Kurt Angle + Jim Cornette: Kurt Angle was setting up in Jeff Jarrett’s office when Jim Cornette barged in and said he cannot hijack the program like that. Angle said Mick wasn’t there and Jarrett was at home so he was in charge tonight. Angle said the Main Event Mafia was taking over iMPACT tonight and Cornette threw his hands in the air and sat down to watch Kurt bury himself. Angle put his headset on to run the show and counted down for the iMPACT show to begin!

RINGSIDE: Kevin Nash & Booker T started the show in place of Mike Tenay & Don West to keep up the cherade of the Main Event Mafia taking over the show. Nash & Booker listed the scheduled matches, which were all so obviously booked by the Mafia itself.. If you like Kevin Nash, which I don’t, you will love him on commentary. Booker T sounded a lot like the Junk Yard Dog all night long.

Sharmell & ODB: Sharmell called ODB an “Obnoxious Dumb Bimbo.” ODB cut a promo on the Kongtourage and said she was mean, drunk, and horny! Sharmell said Taylor Wilde & Roxxi were escorted out of the building earlier.

The Kongtourage (Awesome Kong & Raisha Saed & Rhaka Khan & Sojourner Bolt) defeated ODB: Scott Steiner was the MEM appointed ring announcer for the night. Steiner had a really difficult time pronouncing most of the Knockout’s names. The Kongtourage basically ate ODB alive and added insult after the match..

Jeremy Borash & Kurt Angle + Jim Cornette: Kurt Angle was raving about the previous match and Jim Cornette warned him about the hospital bills that will build up tonight. Borash asked Angle to consider dropping this before somebody gets seriously hurt. Angle said the whole point was to hurt people. Angle said he evened it out by putting Sting against Team 3-D in a Handicap match. Borash said he heard Mick Foley was on his way and he has back-up! Angle laughed and said two homeless guys and a dirty sock isn’t back-up.

Sharmell & Andrew Thomas & Rudy Charles & : Sharmell asked the two referees what they would do after Booker T cripples them tonight. Thomas said he didn’t sign up for this, and said he had a family to think about. Sharmell asked Earl Hebner what he thought, and Earl walked off. Rudy Charles cut a brave promo about being an accomplished amature wrestler. Thomas asked Charles if he was high?!

Booker T defeated Andrew Thomas & Rudy Thomas: Scott Steiner joined Kevin Nash on commentary while Booker T was busy in the ring. Jeremy Borash was shown walking around selling t-shirts by order of Kurt Angle. Earl Hebner was the referee and Booker T picked on him too. On commentary, Kevin Nash said “I don’t know if anybody knows this but Earl screwed Bret.” Booker T squashed the crap out of these two referees and forced Hebner to raise his arm. Booker T bullied Hebner after the match until referee Shane Sewell (in street clothes) hit the ring and fought with Booker, who fought back and took Sewell down with an Axe Kick!

Kurt Angle + Sting: Sting complained to Kurt Angle for booking him against two guys. Sting asked Kurt Angle if he wanted “Sting friend” or “Sting foe” in the ring with him at Against All Odds.

Sharmell & Matt Morgan: Sharmell gives herself a new moniker each time she is on TV, this time she was “Sensational” Sharmell. Sharmell asked Matt Morgan how he will handle wrestling Petey Williams, who will have one hand tied behind his back, tonight. Morgan (who, by the way, is heel now) pretended that he had an uphill battle ahead of him and said he has sympathy for no man. Morgan told Abyss to watch and consider it a preview for what he’ll do to Abyss at Against All Odds.

Matt Morgan defeated Petey Williams: Scott Steiner relished the opportunity to announce Petey Williams’ name and said that he was from “that suckhold country, Canada.” Late in the match, Scott Steiner got up on the ring apron to give Matt Morgan some advice. Meanwhile the referee loosened the ropes, and Petey freed his arm. Petey played posem and then took the fight to Morgan. It wasn’t enough, because Morgan won after a stiff Yakuza-kick! After the match, Steiner instructed Morgan to give Petey his finisher to hurt him even more. Then Steiner put Petey in the Steiner Recliner until Jay Lethal, Consequences Creed, and Eric Young made the save! Booker T jumped in and helped Steiner & Morgan regain the advantage and destroyed the three TNA Frontline guys. This is ridiculously bad.

TNA World Heavyweight champion Sting vs. Team 3-D (Brothers Ray & Devon) ended in a No Contest: Team 3-D came down with their IWGP Tag Team titles over their shoulder. Before the match, Brother Ray said he felt bad for Sting. Ray said he and his brother Devon don’t want to fight Sting in a handicap match tonight. Ray said seven or eight weeks ago Sting did nothing when his Mafia brothers assaulted him (Ray). Ray asked why Sting continues to lie to the fans. Ray told Sting not to take tonight’s ass-kicking personally. Scott Steiner announced Team 3-D “from Dunkin Donuts in the great state of obesity.” Steiner took great pride in introducing his stable-mate “the ICON” Sting! Sharmell joined Booker T & Kevin Nash on commentary for this match. Sting wrestled in a t-shirt, and you know what that means. Steiner gave Sting some advice at ringside, until Ray ran and tackled him! Steiner got a few shots in on Ray and kept him out of the ring. Eventually Kurt Angle came down and helped Sting. It broke down and Sting, Angle, and Steiner triple-teamed Team 3-D causing the match to be thrown out by the referee. Booker T slid a table into the ring and it was set up in the ring. Suddenly Mick Foley, Abyss, and LAX (Homicide & Hernandez) hit the ring to put an end to the Mafia chaos!

Mick Foley & Abyss & LAX (Homicide & Hernandez) & Team 3-D (Brothers Ray & Devon) + The Main Event Mafia: Mick Foley said Hernandez was screwed out of his Feast of Fired title shot by the Main Event Mafia so he will get another shot at the TNA World title at a later time. Foley said since Scott Steiner liked to play with weapons he will be in a Weapons match with Abyss tonight. Foley added that only Abyss would be allowed to use the weapons. Foley said Kurt Angle booked a lot of Handicap matches, so he booked Angle against both members of LAX. Foley told the Mafia to “try” to have a great day! *thumbs up!*

Jim Cornette with staff members: Jim Cornette told his crew – Jeremy Borash, Lauren Brooke, Mike Tenay, Don West, and ring announcer Dave Penzer – that they were going back to work now! Cornette escorted Tenay & West back to the commentary position – thank the lord! Don West never sounded so GOOD!

“The Monster” Abyss defeated “Big Poppa Pump” Scott Steiner: Weapons were in play for this match, except only Abyss was allowed to use any of the weapons. The fight spilled out of the ring, where Steiner dodged the charging Abyss and sent him crashing through a wall! The ring bell was used as one of the many weapons. Steiner ignored the rules and started smashing Abyss with weapons. The referee disqualified Steiner but there was no ring bell to ring! Steiner continued the assault until SUICIDE slid in on a zip-line to chase Steiner away. SUICIDE is now being played by Christopher Daniels, since Frankie Kazarian was recently injured while doing the gimmick.

Lauren Brooke & ???? & ???? + Beer Money Inc. (Robert Roode & James Storm): Lauren Brooke interviewed some cowboy’s from the new Spike TV show “Toughest Cowboy” which debuts right after iMPACT and I don’t give two shits about. Beer Money Inc. came in and James Storm said he was the world’s greatest cowboy!

Kurt Angle defeated LAX (Homicide & Hernandez): Kurt Angle avoided the Border-toss and pushed Hernandez out of the ring. A few minutes later, Angle squirmed out of the Gringo-killa attempt and hit the Angle-slam on Homicide for the win!

CONCLUSION: The show ended with a 15-second clip of Samoa Joe turning around revealing that he has new Samoan paint on his face. Joe said “Main Event Mafia…. let me introduce you… to the REAL Samoa Joe.”