May 11, 2017
Orlando, FL (Impact Zone)
Commentary: Josh Matthews & Da Pope
Results by: Gerald Bocook of Wrestleview.com
Show opens to a recap of next week, with everyone lining up to declare themselves the next man to take on Lashley; Magnus, Morgan, Patron, Carter. All roads lead to Slammiversary. Tonight, Alberto El Patron challenges Magnus for the GFW Global Championship, the “golden ticket”.
We’re gonna start off with an X-Division four-way. Konley and Xavier are already in the ring.
Caleb Konley vs. Desmond Xavier vs. Andrew Everett vs. Matt Sydal
Bell rings and all four men tease lock-ups before Konley attacks Xavier and Sydal kicks Everett. Konley beats on Sydal, Everett hurricanranas Sydal. Konley hurricanranas Everett, Xavier goes to hurricanrana Konley but Konley catches him and we get a bunch of quick roll-ups before Konley gets Everett in a cloverleaf and Sydal gets Xavier in an Indian deathlock.
Xavier kicks Sydal away and gets a boot up as Konley charges. Sydal double-teams Xavier with Konley leading to Sydal being thrown into a splash on Xavier, and some quick flippy moves sees Sydal catching Xavier with a chinbreaker and a leg drop on a standing Andrew Everett at the same time! Konley drops Sydal down on Xavier. Konley with forearms on Xavier and then Sydal, but Everett catches him with one. Everett goes to follow up, but Xavier whips him away form the corner and superkicks him. Konley with a moonsault on Everett; one, two– kickout!
Sydal and Xavier in the ring trading kicks, and Xavier is outclassed. Double roundhouse, both men are down, and Everett with a springboard dropkick takes both men out as Josh Matthews puts himself over. Everett charges the ropes and up-and-over takes out Sydal and Konley with a senton! Xavier in the ring and he wipes all three men out with a cartwheel plancha, and he lands on his feet! Xavier rolls Everett into the ring and heads up to the top, but Sydal pulls him off! Sydal with a Thesz Knee Press on Everett; one, two– kickout!
Konley slaps Sydal up and a bridging back suplex; one, two– kickout!
Xavier with a flying splash on Konley; one, two, th– kickout!
Sydal charges Xavier in the corner, Sydal
Frankendriver! Everett covers; one, two, three!
Winner by pinfall: Andrew Everett (Frankendriver)
Sydal and Konley were so close to breaking the pin. Sydal isn’t happy, and he offers his hand to Everett before raising his hand in victory.
Cut to the announce booth, and Jeremy Borash is back to tormenting Josh Matthews while Josh Matthews tries to do his job. Borash, you’re making me feel like Josh Matthews is the good guy here. Stahp.
Earlier today, EC3 rips on “The Cow-ard” James Storm. He makes some promise about seeing “The Cowboy”.
— Commercial break —
Back from break, we get KM tormenting a poor pizza guy, and also taking a guy’s pizza. He snatches a dude’s pizza out of the hands of the delivery dude, refuses to pay for it, and then says he didn’t order any pizza as he eats said pizza before getting in the guy’s face when he expects payment. Another “KM is a sack of crap” vignette.
James Storm’s music hits and EC3 comes to the ring dressed like the most generic cowboy ever. Chaps, cowhide vest, bullrope around his neck, and a big hat. He keeps drawing finger guns. Thrilling. He speaks with a really bad accent. He says that this county has a new sheriff, “Ethan Cowboy III”. Something about a son of a bitch? I wasn’t paying attention because it was stupid. He then makes some kind of lame joke about his genitals. He says that this town isn’t big enough for him and Storm. He threatens to sing at us. Oh, no. He’s actually going to do it. A really bad thematic rendition of Garth Brooks’ “Friends in Low Places”. Worse than the original, and that says a lot.
Finally, James Storm’s music hits and breaks it up. EC3 expects Storm to come down the ramp, but Storm is in the ring! They brawl, and Storm punches down on Carter! Storm stomps Carter’s hat, stomps Carter in the corner, and grabs Carter as he tries to escape, pulling off one of Carter’s boots! Carter grabs the boot as Storm plays to the crowd and beats Storm in the head with it repeatedly! Carter grabs a pair of handcuffs out of… I don’t want to think of where, and cuffs Storm around the ropes before beating him in the head! He pulls out a belt, also from somewhere I don’t want to think about, and rips Storm’s shirt off before beating him in the back with the belt! Holy crap, that’s a loud crack! Carter is going nuts on Storm with the belt, yelling “you want more?!” after more than fifteen lashes! And he keeps going! He scares off referees as they try to break it up as he continues to assault Storm! He trips over the stage and then starts beating one of the stage guys with the belt before going back to wail on Storm some more! The officials finally continue Carter to leave him be and he leaves up the ramp as they tend to Storm.
— Commercial break —
More Borash harassing Matthews, and they talk about a tournament taking place for the GFW Tag Team Championships.
Hakim Zane and Idris Abraham head to vie for a spot in the GFW Tag Team Championship Tournament. They’ll face Garza Jr and Laredo Kid.
Hakim Zane and Idris Abraham vs. Garza Jr and Laredo Kid
Zane and Laredo Kid start us off. Tie-up and Zane starts wrenching the arm of Kid. Kid flips out and Zane starts kicking him, sweeping as Kid ducks a kick. Both men to the ropes and Kid sends Zane flying with a hurricanrana. Kid gets Zane in the corner and chops at him before whipping him into the corner and tagging in Garza. Kid gets Zane up on the shoulders and Garza Jr with a dropkick off the top! Double team wheelbarrow from Garza and Kid. Garza covers; one– Idris breaks it up.
Zane gets dragged to the corner and Idris tags himself in. They double team Garza Jr, but he just wants to take his pants off! Zane won’t have it, so Garza kicks him in the head and sends him out of the ring! He stops Abraham from retaliating, and Garza finally gets his pants off, but Zane with a tiger knee staggers him! Abraham off the ropes and a flying shoulder tackle takes Garza down! Abraham tags out to Zane who gets another tiger knee on Kid in the corner! Double team from Zane and Idris, but as Zane goes to bounce off
450 from Kid! Splash from Garza to Abraham on the outside! Kid covers Zane; one, two, three!
Winners by pinfall: Garza Jr and Laredo Kid (450 Splash)
Both men celebrate as Zane rolls out of the ring.
Up next, LVN is bringing Kongo Kong to the Impact Zone.
— Commercial break —
In the back, an interviewer is with Garza and Laredo. Garza says they’re going to represent Mexico, and they’re the best team in the world. Kid says they’re ready for everything, and nothing can stop them.
#MakeImpactGreat video with Da Pope putting over the roster.
Ava Storie vs. Laurel Van Ness
Laurel stumbles around and yells at Kong before she trips on her dress and inadvertently spears Storie! LVN grabs Storie by the hair and shakes her before hitting a nice bulldog! Laurel grabs and shakes Storie some more before Storie fights her off. Laurel kicks Storie in the head, Curb Stomp! Cover; one, two, three!
Winner by pinfall: Laurel van Ness (Curb Stomp)
Laurel mounts Storie and starts slamming her head against the mat. The referee pulls Laurel off and Kongo Kong gets in the ring! The ref bails and Kong and van Ness celebrate in the ring!
Up next, LAX buries Decay!
— Commercial break —
We get a bit of Rockstar Spud being beaten by ‘Swoggle and laid out for the forseeable future. This one was actually good. Good music, good cinematography.
LAX are seen wearing white facepaint with blackened eyes and mouths (except Konnan). They arrive in a lowrider with the hydraulics up. They’re going to pay their respects to Decay. Ortiz has an urn. Inside the Impact Zone, the helicopters are heard and the searchlights are going; LAX makes their way to the ring as a version of the funeral dirge plays (with gunshots playing at breaks instead of thunder, just so you don’t think Undertaker is coming to the ring.) They make their way to the ring and the lights come up. Konnan says this is a somber occasion, and we get a camera cut from someone seething in anger up from the rafters. Konnan says screw respect for their fallen brothers, throw those ashes away! They’re going to smoke the sadness away. The higher-ups sent the best tag team they had at LAX, and now they’ve got one clown in a coma and one in a feeding tube. They’re going to take the GFW Tag Team Championships, too. Impact Wrestling is full of broken promises. A guy in the crowd is waving an American fly and Konnan says the guy pissed him off and he’s going to shove that flag up his ass. He tells the guy that the flag is about as useful as toilet paper, and this emboldens the guy in the crowd. Konnan piefaces the guy and the VOW hit the Impact Zone! They match down to the ring and it’s Ortiz, Santana, and Homicide after the VOW! The VOW dump Santana and Homicide, and a big double team to Ortiz! The LAX is in retreat!
— Commercial break —
Marshe Rockett is heading to the ring to challenge Moose for the Impact Grand Championship.
Impact Grand Championship Match
Moose (c) vs. Marshe Rockett
Bell rings and Rockett with a charging kick to Moose. He hits the ropes and Moose shoulder tackles him down. Moose to the ropes, Rockett leapfrogs, Moose tries to set up for the Game Breaker, but Rockett ducks and hits the ropes with a kick to Moose. Moose chops at Rockett, Rockett with some big kicks from Rockett, and he takes time to pose. 2:00 left. Moose piefaces Rockett, kicks him down, then kicks him WHILE he’s down! Rockett in the corner, Moose charges, Rockett gets the boot up and gets up on the ropes, but Moose with a big leaping dropkick sends Rockett to the floor outside! 1:15 left. Moose stands in the center of the ring and Rockett is being counted out. 0:50 left, and Rockett is still outside , crawling back in at 0:45. Moose pulls Rockett up and chops him down. Rockett rolls away, Moose pulls him up and headbutts him down. Rockett rolls outside and doesn’t seem interested in returning to the ring. Time expires.
|Round 1 Scorecard
|Moose – W
Bell rings and Moose charges for a big boot but Rockett ducks and hits a big elbow to the head! Rockett plays to the crowd, Moose kicks him in the head! Pop-up Powerbomb from Moose, and a big senton! CHokeslam buster from Moose! Cover; one, two, three!
Winner and STILL Impact Grand Champion by pinfall: Moose (Go To Hell)
Tyrus comes to the Impact Zone and he heads down into the ring! Eli Drake from behind! Eli beats on Moose, and Tyrus joins in! The two assault Moose! Tyrus drops Moose with a body blow! Chris Adonis gets in the ring and he puts Moose in the Adonis Lock! Drake in with a chair and he bashes the downed Moose with the chair!
Cut to the announce table, and more Borashenanigans.
— Commercial break —
McKenzie Mitchell is in the back with Dutch Mantell. Dutch says that the fans want a focus on the X-Division. They’re bringing back Ultimate X, where Trevor Lee and Andrew Everett will challenge Low-Ki for the X-Division Championship.
Angelina Love heads down to the ring with Davey Richards. Alisha comes down and Eddie is on crutches.
Angelina Love vs. Alisha Edwards
Alisha charges the ring and takes down Love, and the two are brawling around in a good ol’ Joey Styles-approved CAAAAAAATFIGGGGGHHHHT! Edwards slams Love’s head into the steel stairs and the apron! Alisha rolls Love into the ring, and when she gets in, Love lariats her down! Love punches down on Edwards, and then chokes her! Davey eggs her on to keep choking her before taunting Eddie. Love stomps on Alisha’s chest while holding her arms. Love waits for Edwards to get up and misses a big kick, Alisha with a Future Shock DDT!! Richards is up on the apron, trying to get in the ring, and Alisha kicks the middle rope and drops Davey! Love grabs a chain and punches Alisha in the back of the head, and the ref saw it!
Winner by disqualification: Alisha Edwards
Love keeps rabbit punching Alisha and throws the ref back! She keeps punching and Eddie gets in the ring, and Love slaps him! She goes to slap him again but Eddie catches it, Davey has one of his crutches, and he bashes Eddie in the back of the leg! Davey beats Eddie’s knee with the crutch and yells at Eddie to stay down, why’s Eddie make him do this? Creepy makeout from Richards and Love as officials tend to the Edwards’.
Up next, Alberto El Patron challenges Magnus for the GFW Global Championship.
— Commercial break —
Earlier tonight, Lashley was asked about the Alberto/Magnus match. Lashley says he pays attention, that he collects titles, and it’s only a matter of time until he takes this new GFW title.
Alberto El Patron is out first. Good. Bothers me when Champions arrive first.
GFW Global Championship Match
Magnus (c) vs. Alberto El Patron
Bell rings and Magnus charges El Patron, but El Patron moves out of the way. They circle, and start trading blows in the center of the ring. Magnus gets the better of El Patron, punching him back to the corner, sets Alberto up on the top rope, but Alberto with the over-the-rope armbreaker! Alberto has to break it, and gets back in the ring to lariat Magnus down! Magnus in the corner and Alberto mounts, punching away before a snapmare and a dropkick! Magnus rakes the eyes, vertical suplex from Magnus! Magnus kicks at Alberto, pulls him up, back suplex! Cover; one– kickout.
Another cover; one, t– kickout.
Rear chin lock from Magnus, Alberto gets to a knee, then to his feet, standing switch, back suplex from El Patron! Magnus rolls out and Alberto lariats Magnus down outside! Alberto throws Magnus into the ring post and rolls him back in, and as Magnus gets up, Alberto off the top with a double axe handle! Cover; one, two– kickout!
Rear chin lock from El Patron, but Magnus gets to his feet and a jawbreaker puts him down! Magnus heads to the corner and gets up top, Alberto trips him up! Alberto up on the top, trying for a superplex, but Magnus starts fighting out– both men punch each other down and they fall to the outside!
— Commercial break —
Magnus and Alberto trade big punches, but Magnus rakes the eyes to gain the advantage. Magnus throws Alberto across the ring, but when Magnus charges to follow-up, Alberto moves out of the way and lariats him down! Another lariat, and an enzuigiri in the corner drop Magnus! Cover; one, two, th– kickout!
Alberto starts stomping up for the kick to the head but he wiffs big time, scoop driver from Magnus! Magnus up on the top, big elbow drop! Cover; one, two, thr– kickout!!
Magnus looks frustrated, getting back to his feet, and he grabs the legs, looking for the cloverleaf, but Alberto fights free! Elbow drop from Magnus to the back of Alberto, and Magnus stomps away at El Patron in the corner! Alberto bails, and Magnus follows, slamming his head into the ring stairs! Back suplex from Magnus on the entrance ramp! Magnus gets back in, and Alberto struggles to get down to the ring. Referee is up to eight before Alberto gets to his feet, gets back in, and Magnus drops down and starts punching at Alberto. Magnus whips Alberto to the corner, charges, Alberto gets an elbow up! Alberto charges, Magnus going for the Michinoku Driver again, but Alberto slips off, Backcracker! Cross arm breaker! Center of the ring! Magnus is struggling, finally makes it to the ropes!
Magnus rolls out and Alberto follows, slamming Magnus’ shoulder into a steel chair set up at ringside! Alberto rolls Magnus in, heads up to the top, dives off and Magnus with a European uppercut drops Alberto! Magnus locks the cloverleaf in, center of the ring, and he looks like he can barely hold it! Alberto drags himself to the ropes! Magnus looks despondent! Magnus up, grabs Alberto, Alberto with a shoulder breaker! Big kick from Alberto to Magnus! Cover; one, two, thre– kickout!!
Alberto says some naughty words, gets back to his feet, looks for the cross arm breaker again, but Magnus slips out a chop blocks Alberto! Magnus stomps at El Patron’s knee! Magnus tries to drag Alberto from the ropes, but Alberto grabs the apron to stay near the ropes. Alberto rolls to the apron and Magnus grabs him, pulling El Patron to the top, looking for a superplex, but El Patron punches Magnus down, looking for the double stomp! Magnus moves out of the way, Alberto hits the ground and drops because of his knee! Magnus up, Alberto up, Magnus lariats El Patron down! Big boot from Magnus drops El Patron! Magnus pulls El Patron up and powerbombs him! Magnus pulls El Patron up on his shoulders, and El Patron slips off into the Cross Arm Breaker! Magnus taps!
Winner and NEW GFW Global Champion by submission: Alberto El Patron (Cross Arm Breaker)
El Patron celebrates with the Championship in the ring.
1) Andrew Everett def Matt Sydal, Caleb Konley, and Desmond Xavier
2) Laredo Kid and Garza Jr. def Idris Abraham and Hakim Zane
3) Laurel van Ness def Ava Storie
4) Moose def Marshe Rockett to retain the Impact Grand Championship
5) Alisha Edwards def Angelina Love
6) Alberto El Patron def Magnus to become GFW Global Champion
– EC3 vs Cowboy James Storm
– Ultimate X returns!
And that was Impact! Don’t forget to share your thoughts in the comments below, or find me on Twitter @TheGREATMoto and let me know your thoughts on the show, what you think about there being almost as many GFW Championships as there are Impact Championships on Impact Wrestling, or if you’re excited for the return of Ultimate X!