HeadLocker — Jay Shannon
The iMPACT (4/30) Insight for 4/30/09
Our resident philosopher, Jay Shannon, returns for another analysis of TNA
Kurt Angle‘s not a happy camper. After being attacked by Mick Foley, last week, Kurt wants revenge. In addition, the Team 3D Invitational Tag Tournament brings back a long-time favorite.
The show opened with a look at Foley’s assault on both Kurt Angle and Jeff Jarrett. Bobby Lashley also made his first appearance on Impact. Samoa Joe continues to convert into a one-man assault force.
Tonight’s Episode: The Godfather’s Revenge
Jeff Jarrett came out of a meeting, ticked off. JB tried to find out if Jeff was able to have Mick Foley fired, but Jeff just kept saying “No Comment”. Moments later, Foley came out laughing and throwing kisses to “Dixie (Carter)”. JB asked about Foley being fired. Foley said Jeff couldn’t fire him because he was the World champ. He also stated “I don’t work For Jeff Jarrett, I would With him”. Foley blew off the attack on Jeff from last week. He said “Friends fight”.
The Main Event Mafia made their way from the back. Sting was missing from the League of Champions. Kevin had the Survivor chick with him, again. Kurt had the stick. Kurt talked about being known as “The Godfather” for the last six months, since the birth of the Mafia. Kurt said he knew how to make things happen…as long as you show the proper respect. Kurt said Foley didn’t know there would be consequences for his actions, but there are.
Kurt had an offer for Jeff. Kurt put up his leadership in the Mafia for a shot at Foley at Sacrifice. Kurt said he was going employ a “hostile takeover” of Mick Foley…his office, his job, etc… Kurt said “When you screw with the Godfather, you get the thorn of the rose”. Kurt dropped a red rose to the canvas.
JB talked with Foley in “his” office. Foley was oblivious to what Kurt had just said. Jeff came in and thought about beating the Hell out of Foley. Jeff said that he would beat the Hell out of Foley, on his terms. Foley thought his “partner”(Jeff) would help him with Kurt. Jeff said that he would turn his back on Foley. Jeff said that he had a company to run. Jeff walked out as Foley just sat there, looking quite confused.
Lauren talked with Kurt Angle about what he said in the last segment. Lauren questioned Kurt’s motives for getting into the Sacrifice match by putting his role as Mafia leader on the line. As Kurt started to explain, Scott Steiner grumbled about Jeff Jarrett. Kurt asked Scott to keep cool until he got Jeff to put him into the Sacrifice match. After that, Scott could have Jarrett.
Mike Tenay and Don West looked back at last week’s opening matches for the Team 3D Tag Tourney. Beer Money took out Lethal Consequences. No Limit then fell to the make-shift team of Jethro (Trevor Murdoch) Holliday and Eric Young. This week, two more tag matches would happen.
The Motor City Machine Guns arrived for the next Tourney match. Sabin and Shelley wore their IWGP Jr. tag belts. Their first opponent was The Amazing Red! Red was a key player in the early days of TNA.He looked great as he strolled to the ring. His partner was the mystery man, Suicide. Suicide rode the zip line down to the ring.
Amazing Red & Suicide d Chris Sabin & Alex Shelley
Team 3D Invitational Tag Tourney Quarter Finals Match
Suicide went for his Horizontal Bulldog into the corner but Sabin countered it. Suicide Floated Over and landed next to Shelley. Shelley tried for a Belly to Back Suplex but Suicide flipped out. The Guns broke out a set of double team moves on Suicide, capped off with a Sliced Bread by Shelley. Suicide kicked out a at two. Sabin vaulted off Shelley’s back to hit a Flying Dropkick on Red, who was standing on the apron. The Guns began their double kick double team flurry, but it was short-circuited by Red. Red caught Shelley with a Superkick. Red hit one of the most amazing (pun fully intended) Seated Hurancanranas I’ve ever seen. Sabin’s head was driven into the mat like a fence post. Red caught Shelley with a modified Canadian Destroyer! Red then flew over the ropes in a Spinning Splash to neutralize Sabin. Suicide finished things off by “going Ozzy” on Shelley with the Suicide Solution!
Jay’s Thoughts: What a fantastic way to re-introduce Red to the newer TNA fans. The four men really put on a superb match, filled with major moves that defied gravity and logic. Kudos to all four.
The lights went out and Suicide disappeared. TNA then went to a video package about Kurt Angle. Kurt said he got to where he is by standing on his own. Kurt would not quit. He sacrificed everything to get where he is now.
Lauren talked with the Beautiful People. Rayne looked terrified at the concept of dealing with a Stretcher Match against Kong. Love sounded like such a dumb bimbo as she talked about how things should have happened (Steve-O should have won American Idol, General Lee should have stormed Normandy and took over). I expected her to pull out the “Germans storm Pearl Harbor” quote from Animal House. Love welcomed the Stretcher Match. Love talked to Rayne who stayed quiet. Sky said that they were going to prepare for a funeral. As her partners-in-crime walked off, Rayne commented that she hoped the funeral wasn’t going to be hers.
TNA returned with a disturbing look at the emotional rehab of Abyss. Dr. Stevie (Richards) had tortured Abyss for the past several weeks. Stevie actually attacked Abyss in his office. Lauren stood up for Abyss in this disgusting, twisted situation. Back in the Impact Zone, Lauren learned that Dr. Stevie “prescribed” a match where Abyss couldn’t use weapons but his opponent could. Cody Deaner and ODB walked up and got in Abyss’ face. Cody attacked like a total idiot.. Cody accused Abyss of being scared of him. Cody told Abyss that when “he grows a set” to come see him. Cody pinched Lauren’s cute little tush, which set off Abyss. Abyss lifted and slammed Cody against the wall.
Mike Tenay and Don West ran down the rest of the night’s card. West sent it to a video package about Kurt Angle. It looked at Kurt’s arrival in TNA. It finished with the Kurt’s new catchphrase: Power, Control, Angle.
Mick Foley talked with the Guns. Foley needed help from the Guns against Kurt. Foley tried to get them to help him. The Guns has a problem with Suicide. They wanted to know who Suicide is. Foley said it was Al Snow. (I don’t think so). The Guns told Foley to try and find out who Suicide was. They told Foley to “have a nice day” and left.
The final first round match for the Team 3D Invitational match. LAX was introduced but no one came out. Tenay said that something had happened in the back. Hernandez was laid out by the British Invasion. The British Invasion then entered the arena with Hernandez’s Feast or Fired briefcase. The Brits were wearing some serious Davey Boy Smith-like tights as the strolled to the ring. In the back, Terry Taylor told Homicide that he’d have to battle B-I in a handicap match.
Homicide was livid as he stomped down the ramp. He attacked Rob Terry with his own FoF briefcase. Homicide demanded the Brits.Homicide hit a Suicide Dive to take out Doug Williams and Brutus Magnus, on the floor.
Brutus Magnus & Doug Williams d Homicide
Team 3D Invitational Tag Tournament Quarter Finals Match under Handicap Rules
Homicide hit the Overhead Release Throw. Brutus ran in and was planted with the Tornado DDT. Homicide caught Doug with the Gringo Kutta. Brutus kept the ref distracted. Rob Terry got involved as Homicide went for a Superplex on Doug Williams. Homicide fell off the ropes and landed hard. Brutus lifted Homicide and Williams hit a Spinning European Uppercut off the ropes to take the win and advance.
Jay’s Thoughts: Yet another rehash of an old WCW idea. The Blue Bloods meet the British Bulldogs. I just don’t like this team. Mahnus has really tanked since showing up in TNA. Doug Williams is a good wrestler but not a top notch kind of guy. Rob Terry got solid training from Team 3D so he’s the only one to really get something out of this new alliance. The second non-American group simply kills the heat that Bashir and the International Legion got going. Bad writing and even worse booking.
Tenay sent it to another video package about Kurt Angle. It looked at 2007. Kurt talked about beating Brock Lesnar for the IWGP title. He was also the first person to hold all the gold in TNA. It ended with the same: Power, Control, Angle!
The Beautiful People arrived for the Stretcher Match. Rayne looked petrified as they walked down the ramp. Awesome Kong then arrived with Raisha Saeed. Kong had something in her hand as she walked down the ramp. It was a photo of Angelina Love‘s trading card.
Awesome Kong d Madison Rayne (well, d’uh)
Knockout Stretcher Match
Rayne really didn’t want to face former Knockouts champ. Saeed was sent to the back. Sky and Love were then banished from the ringside area. Rayne looked on as her back-up went up the ramp. She then turned around and got pounded by Kong. Kong hit double sledges onto Rayne’s shoulders. Kong kept pounding away and hit a Uranage Chokeslam. Kong nailed a Short Arm Clothesline. Kong threw Rayne on the stretcher. Kong wouldn’t let Rudy Charles count Rayne out. Kong grabbed Rayne and nailed the Implant Buster. Kong rolled the knocked out Knockout onto the stretcher and Rudy Charles started to count. At 7, Kong grabbed Rayne and hit the Awesome Bomb. Kong just looked at Rayne as the crowd chanted “One More Time”. Kong gave them what they wanted. She grinned, for the first time, as she looked at her victim. Kong dragged Rayner to the stretcher and Rudy made the 10 count.
Jay’s Thoughts: Ok, I want to see Kong make life Hell for Mi Pi Sexy. Love and Sky are just too plastic for my taste. If TNA were to do theget a date with a Knockout, they’d be last on my list. Kong is just spinning her wheels until time to regain her belt. Love can’t possibly hold the belt for any length of time. This match was so lop-sided that it was almost annoying to watch.
Love and Sky looked on at their fallen partner. Don West blamed the ref for Rayne being destroyed by Kong. TNA then went to a video package for the Main Event Mafia.
The Motor City Machine Guns returned to the ringside area. They had a microphone. Shelley rubbed his sore neck as they came down the ramp. Shelley called out Christopher Daniels, who he accused of being Suicide. Daniels came out after a slight pause. Daniels looked a bit confused. He came into the ring and stared at the Guns. Shelley wanted to know why Daniels didn’t come in on the zip line. Shelley talked about the 18 months that Daniels is gone. Shelley said that Daniels had a family to support, so he couldn’t have just worked in the Indies.
Sabin then asked Daniels a few questions. Sabin talked about Daniels and Suicide have the same build and the same movements. Sabin mentioned that the fans always chanted Daniels’ name when Suicide showed up. Sabin called Daniels a liar. He said Suicide and Daniels were the same person, since day one. (Note from Jay: Daniels was under a mask…a rather Spicy One. As to who the real Suicide is, he’s Lightning Quick! Hint).
Daniels stood silent for a long time. Daniels said he didn’t owe either Guns member an explanation. Daniels said Jeff Jarrett brought him back to wrestle. Daniels said he didn’t have time for masks and repelling. Daniels told the Guns to ask Suicide who he was, themselves. Shelley then decided to ask Suicide who he was (staring at Daniels). Daniels took the mic and said “I’m Daniels and now I’m pissed off”. Daniels took the fight to both Guns and hit the Leg Sweep/Inverted DDT on Sabin. Shelley attacked, only to get laid out by the Proto-bomb. Daniels planed Sabin with the Uranage. Daniels went for the BME but he Guns bailed out.
Foley tried to ask Samoa Joe for his help. Foley showed off his stitches. Foley talked about helping Joe get his start. Joe didn’t saw a word as he walked off. Foley said he would have to go to Plan C.
Cody Deaner and ODB came out with a bunch of weapons. ODB had a bizarre new spikey hairdo. Cody was confident that he would be able to take out Abyss. Lotsa luck.
Abyss d Cody Deaner
One-sided Weapons Match
Cody popped Abyss with a license plate with no effect. He hit Abyss with a can lid. Abyss was busted open. Cody tried to hit Cody with a kendo stick. Abyss grabbed the stick and held Cody. Abyss threw it aside and popped Abyss with an Open Hand Slap. ODB gave Cody some Liquid Courage. Cody sprayed the liquid in Abyss’s eyes. Cody grabbed the trash can, which was spray painted “Give Er”. Tenay explained that stood for “Give Er” your all. Cody blasted Abyss, twice with the can. Cody went after Abyss with the Kendo Stick, over and over. Cody grabbed a steel chair and clocked Abyss with it. Cody celebrated with ODB in the corner. He then turned his cap around and went into his fanny pack for a wrench. Cody didn’t get to use it as he ran into the Black Hole Slam. Cody was out like the bug light on a 1974 Fleetwood trailer.
Jay’s Thoughts: How the mighty have fallen. Abyss was the Monster. He was feared and loathed by all his victims. Now, Abyss is about a half-step away from Doink the Clown. He is just a big punching bag for the latest guy who needs a push. Cody Deaner? What’s next? Abyss battles Shark Boy? This was just sad.
I hate the Deaner character. He is such a pathetic throwback to the testorone-over-loaded, beer drinking, trailer park lotharios that think every woman just has to have them and that precious GED it only took 7 times to git…with some help from his buddy who took the test for him..
Lauren talked with the lovely (?) Daffney. Daffney said Dr. Stevie was the best psychologist she’d ever met. Daffney said that she and Lauren had something in common. Daffney was offended when Lauren told her that Abyss wasn’t interested in the Goth Knockout. Daffney cackled as she walked off.
JB talked with Booker and Kevin Nash of the Main Event Mafia. JB asked about the dissension from last week. Sharmell said all was cool, since Kevin put “his pit bull on a leash”. It started to break down but Kurt ran in to calm things down. Booker took Sharmell out of the area. Kurt apologized to Jenna. Kurt sent Kevin to get Jenna a drink.
Back in the arena, Mike and Don talked about the rest of the evening. Don then looked at some upcoming shows. Matt Morgan came out to interrupt. Morgan wanted to drop a bombshell on TNA. Morgan made an offer to the Main Event Mafia of his services. Morgan called himself the “Future of the Business”. Morgan told the Mafia that his offer of services was only available for a short time.
Lauren talked with A.J. Styles. Lauren mentioned that Joe wasn’t on the same page as Styles. Styles said Joe was on no one’s page, anymore. Styles said that both he and Daniels had tried to talk to Joe, but Joe just kept silent.
TNA ran the anti-video game promo for A.J. Styles. It was a lead in to Sacrifice.
Tenay sent it to a training video where Rhino is trying to teach Jesse, the military guy, to be a wrestler. Rhino was doing the Drill Instructor bit on him.
The feature match of the night was ready to roll. Nash, Jenna, Booker and Sharmell walked from the back. Booker stared around as A.J. Styles arrived with his Legends belt. Styles came out alone for the battle. Sharmell screamed at Styles for having the belt. Finally, the music for Samoa Joe sounded. Joe did not arrive. The ref called for the bell, making this a Handicap Match.
Booker T & Kevin Nash d A.J. Styles & Samoa Joe
For a large part of the match, Joe was a no-show. When Joe finally did show up, Joe and Styles got into it. Joe and Styles got into a shoving match, which allowed Booker and Nash to attack. Joe rushed into the ring and attacked both Mafia members. Joe caught Nash with a Running Double Leg Dropkick. Joe hit a Snap Powerslam on Booker. Joe went out to attack Nash on the floor. Jeffa distracted the ref. Sharmell slid the Legends belt to Booker.Booker bashed Styles in the head and then threw the belt aside. Booker pinned Styles to take the win.
Jay’s Thoughts: Much like Abyss, Samoa Joe’s character has undergone a negative change. Joe hasn’t been turned into a circus sideshow, like Abyss. Instead, he’s been turned into the Monster that Abyss used to be, only more violent. Joe’s just no fun to watch, anymore. His DQ losses for being so out of control is just annoying. Joe really needs to refine the character to be able to use his brutality to win a match or two. This match really didn’t help anybody.
Styles screamed at Joe, after the match. Styles wanted an answer as to why Joe was doing this. Joe didn’t say anything.
In the back, Foley talked with someone. The person wanted a big contract but Foley wanted his help. Foley said the person headlined Wrestlemania. Foley asked the mystery person to hide in the corner. We never saw who the person was.
TNA looked at the birth of the Main Event Mafia. Kurt created the group to teach respect to the younger guys and to rule the toost. The Mafia destroyed everyone in sight during the past six months.
JB tried to talk with Kurt Angle. Kurt burst into Foley’s office. Foley talked about a new superstar coming into the company. Kurt wanted Foley to leave now. The mystery person didn’t spring out to attack Kurt. Kurt attacked Foley as Foley asked why Kurt was so angry. Foley didn’t remember hitting Kurt with a chair, last week. Kurt shoved JB asisd. Foley offered to let Kurt hit him with a chair to even the score. Kurt wnated a steel chair. Foley was going to let Kurt hit him in the head with Jeff Jarrett’s guitar but changed his mind. Foley said he would call for a steel chair, instead. Kurt started to call for a chair but it was a trick to catch Kurt off his game. Kurt called out the new Superstar…MR. Socko! Foley locked in the Mandible Claw but the lights went out. There were some fighting sounds and then the lights came back up. A masked man stood over Foley. The man removed his mask to reveal…Sting.
Final Grade: B
Final Thoughts: Well, that felt like a wasted two hours. The tag team scene was the only saving grace. Watching Kong squash Rayne was a yawner. The Frontline/Mafia war was boring from day one. The nWo did it so much better. Who is Suicide? Who cares? Just let Kaz wrestle and quit complaining about it. I can only expect that Suicide is about to abandon the identity, soon. We shall see.
— Jay Shannon