ECW *5/2) Exam!

HeadLocker — Jay Shannon

The ECW (5/5) Extreme Examination
Our resident philosopher, Jay Shannon, brings you all the action and drama from the Cinco de Mayo edtion of ECW.

Feliz Cinco de Mayo! This week, Christian was set to battle Mark Henry in the main event. Also, Evan Bourne went one-on-one. ECW did kind of forget to bring in someone like Chavo Guerrero or Rey Mysterio to celebrate the Mexican holiday. Oh well, no one’s perfect.

Before I get to all the action, I want to send special birthday wishes out to my step-son, Gary, and my best friend from childhood and “brother”, Fred. Both men celebrated their birthdays on the fifth.

Evan Bourne came out to a massive pop. Evan was set to battle Tyson Kidd. Kidd has the luscious Natalya at his side. Kidd has been in a minor feud with Finlay.

Evan Bourne d Tyson Kidd

The Finish:

Evan hit a wild kick but ate a boot. Evan hit a Springboard Enziguri but Tyson got out at two. Evan dropped Tyson with a pair of kicks to the chest and a Flying Crossbody. Tyson reversed an Irish Whip but ducked the head. Tyson flipped Evan over the ropes. Natalya pulled Evan off the apron. Evan struck his jaw on the apron. Finlay rushed out and got revenge for last week when he struck Tyson in the ankle with the shillelagh, as Tyson went to the top rope. Evan took full advantage as he nailed the Shooting Star Press to take the win.

Grade: A+

Jay’s Thoughts: Normally, I would grumble about a run-in finish. Not this time. The ending just suited the whole scenario. Evan and Tyson are possibly the two best technical wrestlers in the WWE, if not the entire industry. Sadly, these two are getting lost in the tiny pond known as ECW. They should have been drafted to one of the big two. Since that didn’t happen, they should be challenging for the gold. I do like the wild card of Finlay being thrown in. Kidd will go to the next level by learning from the veteran, Finlay.

Josh and Matt talked about last week’s match between Christian and Tommy Dreamer. It was a fantastic match that was ruined by the interference of Jack Swagger. Jack was in the back in an ugly tan suit. Jack had something to get off his chest…next.

Josh introduced the former ECW Champ, Jack Swagger to the crowd. Josh looked like a kid next to the much larger Swagger. Josh wanted to know why Jack got involved in the title match, last week. Josh wanted to know what difference it made as to who had the belt. Swagger said he wanted to face Christian, who cheated him out of his title. Jack kept complaining “That’s not fair”. Jack started to diss Tommy Dreamer, which drew lead-melting heat from the crowd. Jack called Tommy “Fatty Dreamer”.

Tommy rushed to the ring and ripped into Jack Swagger. Swagger hit the floor, running like a scalded dog. The crowd was deafening with their “Tommy! Tommy!” cant. Tommy urged Jack to get back in the ring.

Tiffany talked with Zack Ryder. Zack had a new look that reminded me of Rick Martel during his Model days. Tiffany told Zack he would face Finlay on this week’s Superstars.

ECW ran another Ivan Drago-like promo for Vladimir Kozlov. Kozlov would get the chance to squash another hapless victim…next.

Kozlov arrived to a big negative reaction. His victim was local guy, Jesse Guilmette.

Vladimir Kozlov d Jesse Guilmette

Kozlov threw Jesse to the mat. Kozlov flipped Jess over as the crowd chanted “U-S-A”. Kozlov nailed the Snow Headbutt after tossing Jesse around. Kozlov nailed an Overhead Suplex and then the Headbutt to the chest. Kozlov nailed his finisher, The Iron Curtain, to take out Jesse.

Grade: C

Jay’s Thoughts: You know, it’s kind of sad when a group tries to rehash an old storyline. Kozlov is being thrown into a Goldberg Streak storyline. The problem is that there just aren’t enough local jobbers to make him look good. He’s gotten his Russian Rump handed to him by far too many people to be seen as a real threat. WWE should have stuck with it’s original Nicolai Volkoff-like character (the fun guy version), instead of the Ivan Drago meets Nikita Koloff joke that Kozlov currently presents. After the match, Kozlov even sounded like Nikita when he rambled in Russian.

Josh sent it back to Monday Night Raw, where Shane was destroyed by Legacy. Shane had to face all three members of Legacy in a handicap match. Shane was really doing well but the numbers got the better of him. Batista and MVP were not allowed at ringside. If Batista showed up, he would have lost his shot at Randy Orton. If MVP had arrived, he would have lost his US title. Shane missed the Savage Elbow off the top rope, through the announce table. Legacy then vultured the bones. They sat Shane’s ankle on the steel steps and Randy appeared to smash a steel chair into the ankle. Orton followed up by dropping the steel steps onto Shane’s ankle. Batista finally ran out, after the match, to protect Shane. Orton threatened Batista that “Your Judgment Day is coming”.

Gregory Helms talked with Mark Henry. Helms wanted to know if Henry was trying to restate his dominance. Henry said he didn’t need to restate anything. Henry said “Tonight, Christian is my victim!”.

Captain Charisma, Christian, came out for the main event. The Peeps were chirping their love for the ECW champ. ECW looked back at Swagger v Christian at Backlash. Christian tricked Swagger into crashing into an exposed turnbuckle. Christian pulled the Killswitch to become the 46th (Thanks, Matt) ECW champ. Mark Henry, along with Tony Atlas, walked out to battle the champ.

Christian v Mark Henry (No Contest)
ECW Non-Title Match

Christian danced around Mark. Mark shoved out of a Collar and Elbow. Christian threw some hard fists and then ducked a Clothesline. Mark got a hard boot to the chest of Christian. Mark used his power to stun Christian. Mark threw a Headbutt and a Gorilla Press Drop. Christian fought back but Mark sent Christian to the corner. Christian hit the Pendulum Kick and tried for a Sunset Flip but couldn’t get Mark’s bulk over. Christian got Mark in the ropes and then stood on Mark’s back.

Grade: C

Jack Swagger rushed in to attack Christian. That brought Tommy Dreamer on the run. Tiffany came out to make an impromptu tag team match…after the break.

Mark Henry & Jack Swagger d Tommy Dreamer & Christian

The Finish:

Tommy finally made the tag and Clotheslined Swagger into the middle of next week. Tommy popped Swagger in the chops and then turned to Dropkick the knee of Mark Henry. Henry fell off the apron. Tommy ducked a punch by Swagger and blasted him with the (Terry) Funk Outlaw Neckbreaker. Tommy Irish Whipped Swagger to the corner and then Bulldogged him in the middle of the ring. Swagger kicked out of the pin at two. Swagger sent Tommy to the corner but the Hardcore Legend Back Elbowed Swagger and then set him on the top turnbuckle. The crowd squealed with glee as Tommy locked Swagger into the Sullivan Tree of Woe. Mark Henry rushed in and accidentally Splashed the trapped Jack Swagger! Christian came off the ropes with a Missile Dropkick that laid out Mark. Christian shoved Mark out of the ring and then went for a Flying Crossbody over the ropes. Mark actually caught Christian but Tommy Barrel Rolled off the apron to send Mark Henry crashing onto his back. Tommy went back in the ring and tried for the D(reamer)DT but Swagger sent Tommy into the corner. Swagger had uncovered the turnbuckle, earlier. Jack hit the Gut Wrench Powerbomb on Tommy to take the win.

Grade: A-

Jay’s Thoughts: Is it me, or is Jack Swagger really getting annoying? His rushing in to disrupt championship matches has Dusty written all over it. Swagger’s whining is also such a pain in the neck. The first part of this two-part main event was a rip-off. Swagger likes to grumbled about being cheated, so why does he keep cheating wrestlers out of their chance to shine? He also cheats the fans. The second part of the main event was a lot better. Swagger spent a lot of time getting his butt kicked. Tommy got to thrill the fans. Christian was able to look good and Mark Henry…well, Mark got to be Mark.

On a related note, if the WWE/ECW is planning on working towards a Tommy Dreamer push, they might want to hurry up. Tommy’s down to like 5 weeks left on his currecnt storyline of winning the title or walking away.

Peace

— Jay Shannon
[email protected]
(5/6/09)