HeadLocker –Jay Shannon
My Hell in a Cell 2009 Predictions
Our resident philosopher breaks out the crystal ball, tea leaves and lucky coin to try and figure out the WWE’s newest “Gimmick” Pay-Per-View
This event has already soured itself to me. The original premise was that all the matches would be contended under Hell in a Cell rules. The latest posting on the WWE’s official website has changed it to a 50-50 card. Half the matches will be inside the Cell, half won’t. Let’s take a look at the chaos and see if I can find some order.
John Morrison v Dolph Ziggler
Intercontinental Championship Match
Backstory: Dolph was running a program with Rey Mysterio until Rey got suspended under the Wellness Program. Instead of just switching the belt to “Mr. Ziggles”, WWE booked Morrison to beat Rey. Dolph took exception and has now turned his attention to the Shaman of Sexy.
Prediction: “Mr. Ziggles” just isn’t championship material. His character is lame, at best. His talent is B-level at best. Morrison is the newest Wunderkid, so expect him to maintain the belt.
Predicted Winner: John Morrison
Predicted Grade: B+
Kofi Kingston v The Miz v Jack Swagger
United States Championship Match
Backstory: Miz and Swagger were both sent to Raw in the 2009 Draft. Miz underwent a transformation in character and look. Miz and Swagger both took turns stealing Kofi’s US title belt.
Prediction: Kofi is going to keep his title. Miz and Swagger are going to cancel each other out. They are going to be so busy trying to “one-up” each other that Kofi will be able to sneak in, nail Trouble in Paradise and take home his title.
Predicted Winner: Kofi Kingston
Predicted Grade: A-
Mickie James v Alicia Fox
Divas Championship Match
Backstory: Fox defeated Gail Kim to earn the number one contender spot. She’s attacked Mickie on several occasions. One of those attacks led to a rupture of one of Mickie’s breast implants. Fox gets her title shot on Sunday.
Prediction: The women’s division in the WWE is a mess, right now. WWE made a major mistake in splitting the championships. They should have had the one champion just work all three shows. Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, let’s get down to this match. Fox shouldn’t win this match. She just doesn’t quite seem ready to win a championship. She’s far too green to be a serious contender. The wild card in all this is Mickie’s health. I haven’t heard anything about her needing time off to fix the breast implant rupture. Having her drop the strap would give her plenty of time to heal. It would also give Gail Kim a chance to shine as the new “Face” in the Divas half of the women’s division. This just might be the shocker match of the year if Fox were to take the belt. Everything inside me tells me that Mickie will retain. I’m going to go way out on a limb here and say that we get a new Divas championette.
Predicted Winner: Alicia Fox
Predicted Grade: B
Chris Jericho & Big Show v Batista & Rey Mysterio
Unified Tag Team Championship Match
Backstory: Big Show stepped in to replace Edge as the Unified Tag Team Champion. They have pretty much dominated the lesser teams that they have faced. Rey Mysterio, back from his suspension, will be teaming with Batista, who recently moved to Smackdown.
Prediction: I still think that Edge will return, after the first of the year, and go after his former partner, Jericho. To really make that work, Jeri-Show need to keep the belts. Rey is on shaky ground with the WWE, right now, so I doubt that they will trust him with any gold in the near future. I expect Show to focus on the smaller Rey and take him out with the Colossal Clutch.
Predicted Winners: Chris Jericho and Big Show
Predicted Grade: A
And Now…The Fun Begins
Triple H and Shawn Michaels (D-X) v Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase, Jr. (Legacy)
Grudge Match (Hell in a Cell Rules)
Backstory: The next generation star wanted to make a mark on the industry. They attacked Triple H, who was going after their leader, Randy Orton. HHH called on his old running buddy, Shawn Michaels, to equal the sides.. The two teams have split wins in the last two PPVs, with D-X taking Summerslam and Legacy winning at Breaking Point. This will be the rubber match.
Prediction:WWE has pushed how often Shawn and HHH have played inside the Cell. Ted and Cody have only seen the structure of doom, not played inside it. After taking a borderline humiliating beating at Breaking Point, D-X is due to take a decisive win to continue this feud. This one is going to brutal and bloody. It won’t be an easy win for wrestling’s Original Bad Boys, but when it’s all said and done, the red will be replaced with green…D-X green..
Predicted Winners: D-X
Predicted Grade: A
John Cena v Randy Orton
WWE Championship Match (Hell in a Cell Rules)
Backstory: Cena and Orton have gone back and forth for the better part of two years over the WWE and World titles. Cena is in the middle of his current push, transforming into a new and harder version of himself. Orton is running on fumes with his latest push.
Predictions: Cena has never fought inside the Cell. Orton has. In theory, Orton should have the advantage in this crazy battle. Cena’s new attitude is the real advantage. Cena is going to completely destroy Orton in this battle and (hopefully) put an end to this nowhere feud. I’m expecting an Attitude Adjustment through the cage top to end the match.
Predicted Winner: John Cena
Predicted Grade: A+
C.M. Punk v The Undertaker
World Title Match (Hell in a Cell Rules)
Backstory: Undertaker returned after several months on the shelf to set his sights on Punk’s World title. At Breaking Point, WWE repeated history with another “Montreal Screwjob”. Taker had forced Punk to submit, only to have Teddy Long nullify the decision. Taker’s submission hold, the Devil’s Gate, had been banned, in the past, and Teddy held up the ban. Punk then slapped on the Anaconda Vise and the ref called for the bell while Taker was in the process of escaping the hold. Taker wants the title, revenge and blood.
Prediction: I smell a Match of the Year with this one. It is well documented that Taker has some major health issues. He can barely walk, these days. If Punk could take out Taker, back to back, it would cement him as the “heir apparent” to WWE Legend status. Since Taker is looking at his last run in wrestling, most likely, having him take the win and title at “his” Pay-per-view would be a fitting tribute. Taker could then face Punk in a final match at Survivor Series, in Taker’s Retirement Match. I really think Taker is going to win this one.
Predicted Winner: The Undertaker (New Champion)
Predicted Grade: A+
Final Grade: A-
Final Thoughts: The Hell in a Cell matches are going to take this PPV to an “A” level. It could be higher, but WWE decided to forget the original premise of an “All Hell in a Cell” card. The only thing that is going to be more beat up than the wrestlers will be that cage. It’s going to be scrap metal, once the show is done. Expect the top to be broken (thanks to Cena) and at least one wall to break apart (Undertaker). The undercard will be just exciting enough to keep the fans awake, but not much more.