WWE Monday Night RAW 11 16 2009

November 16, 2009 – New York City, New York
Announcers: Michael Cole & Jerry “The King” Lawler

DARK MATCH: Ted DiBiase Jr. defeated Primo Colon..

“Rowdy” Roddy Piper & Luis Guzman + The Iron Sheik & The Bella Twins: “Guest Host” Roddy Piper introduced Hollywood actor Luis Guzman and interviewed him to plug his new movie “Old Dogs.” Roddy Piper then introduced his next guest, the Iron Chef, but instead the Iron Sheik showed up with the Bella Twins holding him up. Luis Guzman greeted the Sheik by saying “I remember when Hulk Hogan…..” but the Sheik cut him off with a crazy anti-Hogan rant. The Sheik brought out two old LJN action figures of himself and Hogan, putting Hogan in the Camel-clutch. The Bella Twins came back and all of them did the “LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S MONDAY NIGHT RAW!” (stolen from Saturday Night Live)

Mike “The Miz” Mizanin defeated Montel Vontavious Porter to retain the WWE United States title: The Miz came out and insulted the World Series Champions, the New York Yankees. The Miz said the Yankees didn’t earn the World Series trophy, they bought it. The Miz said he didn’t have to buy his United States title, he earned it! The Miz raised his belt above his head and said this is what a champion looks like! MVP was introduced, and they showed The View’s Sherri Sheppard sitting in the crowd cheering for MVP.

Santino Marella defeated Chavo Guerrero: Santino Marella came out wearing a New York Rangers (hockey) jersey, then took it off revealing a New York Giants (football) jersey, then took it off revealing a New York Knicks (basketball) jersey, which got boos from the crowd, then took it off revealing a New York Jets (football) jersey, then took that one off revealing a New York Mets (baseball) jersey, which got more boos, then took it off revealing a Philadelphia Phillies (baseball) jersey, which got booed heavily until he took that one off revealing a New York Yankees (baseball) jersey! The crowd was very excited to have been played like a fiddle by Santino. Hornswoggle showed up wearing DX gear and distracted Chavo Guerrero with a couple DX crotch chops, allowing Santino to pick up the victory!

Degeneration-X (Triple H & Shawn Michaels) + Hornswoggle: Triple H pumped up the Madison Square Garden audience. Shawn Michaels plugged the DX book, and tossed a free copy to Sherri Sheppard from The View (yeah give the freebie to the richest fan in the building). Triple H wanted to talk about the triple threat match with he, Michaels, and WWE champion John Cena. Triple H said people think it will be the end of DX, but he and Shawn will not turn on each other – not like The Big Show & Chris Jericho. Triple H said it didn’t matter which one of them won the WWE championship, as long as the title comes to DX. Michaels said he and HHH will compete against each other at Survivor Series. Michaels then addressed Hornswoggle, and demanded that he come out from under the ring. HHH said if Hornswoggle comes out they will consider letting him be a member of DX. Hornswoggle got in the ring and danced around doing crotch chops. HHH put Hornswoggle in line and started doing his “let’s get ready to suckit” bit except he stopped and gave Hornswoggle a micro-Pedigree! Michaels said “if you’re not down with that, we got two words for YA!” They put Hornswoggle on a mini DX-stretcher and carried him out of the ring.

VIDEO PACKAGE: History of the WWE at Madison Square Garden (COOL!)..

“RAW Guest Host” Roddy Piper + Chris Jericho + Chris Masters + The Bella Twins: Chris Jericho said just like every other guest host, Roddy Piper has shown nothing but disrespect for him. Piper said he had something special for Jericho, and brought in “the Masterpiece” Chris Masters to do his highly popular pec-dancing gimmick. Jericho wasn’t impressed but the Bella Twins sure were. The Bellas dragged Masters off to do God knows what with him. Gosh, those Bellas really get around!

Melina Perez defeated Alicia Fox to retain the WWE Divas title: Judah Friedlander from 30-Rock was the guest ring announcer, and he got an extensive introduction with a bunch of funny bogus accomplishments, calling him the greatest athlete in the world (one look at him and you know he is not the greatest athlete in the world). Alicia Fox wanted Judas to introduce her as the NEXT WWE Diva’s champion, and he refused to do that, but he did reveal that the match would be a Lumberjill’s match! Mickie James, Kelly Kelly, Eve Torres, Gail Kim, Beth Phoenix, Michelle McCool, Layla El, and Jillian Hall came out to act as Lumberjills – all participants in the Divas Elimination match at Survivor Series. After the match, Michelle McCool jumped on Melina Perez and a huge Diva brawl broke out with the babyface Divas standing tall at the end of the fight!

“Rowdy” Roddy Piper + Vince McMahon: Roddy Piper soaked in the standing ovation, and threatened the camera man for standing too close. Piper talked about New York City, saying he had his first two kids right here (Jerry Lawler quietley commented “in the ring?” – hilarious). Piper talked about embarrassing Cyndi Lauper in Madison Square Garden, but she did a good job embarrassing herself. Piper said he took on the biggest legends here in the ring; Captain Lou Albano, Bruno Sammartino, Andre the Giant, and Hulk Hogan! Piper said if you mess with Hot Rod, you’re either gonna be bald or dead! Piper said he can say that because he loves them all, adding that he loves the dead ones more than the bald ones. Piper said he gets in so much trouble all the time. Piper said he’s done some unspeakable things here, but he loved every minute of it. Piper said he has one more disty nasty job to do before he checks out with the rest of them. Piper said he wants one more match with Vincent Kennedy McMahon! Piper remembered doing an interview with Bryant Gumble, and Vince fired him in Madison Square Garden because of it. Vince McMahon swaggered out to the ring to a huge standing ovatation (I bet he loved that!). Vince commented on Piper’s dye-job on his hair (to look younger). McMahon said the most horrible thing Piper has ever done in Madison Square Garden was show up here tonight. McMahon said mother nature has not been too kind to Piper, pointing out his toothpick arms, knobby knees, and a catchers mit face! McMahon said the only thing that hasn’t withered away is Piper’s kilt. McMahon said if he were to soil his hands with Piper tonight, his dad and grandfather would be ashamed of him. Piper said there were plenty of things for everyone to be ashamed of Vince for. Piper made fun of Vince’s suit. McMahon said people tell him all the time that they hope they look as good as he does at his age. McMahon said he’s always looked better than everyone he stepped in the ring with; The Rock, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, The Undertaker, and Stone Cold. McMahon said unless there was better competition in his future, he is official retired from ring action. Piper said that was about all the games he is going to play with Vince. Piper said retired is just another name for coward. Piper said he’s been in 7000 car crashes and 30 matches (switch’em around). McMahon said Piper was as sane as ever. Piper said that is what Vince should be afraid of. Piper wanted to make McMahon accountable to the people that made him a billionaire. Piper said he didn’t want it at a PPV, at a WrestleMania, he wanted it TONIGHT.

IN THE RING: Sheamus said he’s been on RAW for four weeks and he’s already put one man out of the business. Sheamus issued another open challenge to anyone who thinks they have the guts. The challenge was not answered, so Sheamus grabbed time keeper Mark Yeaton and physically assaulted him at the time keepers position. Sheamus dragged Yeaton across the announce table and dropoped him on the floor, causing Jerry Lawler to stand up in disgust. Lawler took his eyes off of Sheamus for one second, so Sheamus kicked him straight in the face!

RINGSIDE: Michael Cole talked about the cheap-shot by Sheamus on Jerry Lawler, who was replaced on commentary by Matt Striker. They said Striker lives in the New York City area and just happened to come to the show. Together, they did a hard sell for the Survivor Series PPV..

Jack Swagger defeated Evan Bourne:

“Rowdy” Roddy Piper + Randy Orton + Kofi Kingston: Roddy Piper came to the ring in jeans and t-shirt, waiting for Vince McMahon, but it was Randy Orton who answered the call. Orton said he doesn’t know if McMahon is coming out, but he does know that Piper has a big problem – because he was there! Orton said if it was a fight that Piper wanted, then…. suddenly Orton kicked Piper in the gut! Announcer Matt Striker mentioned the relationship between Roddy Piper and Randy Orton’s father, Cowboy Bob. Piper slapped Orton, but then Orton attacked Piper and viciously beat him down to the mat! Finally Kofi Kingston showed up and brawled with Orton around the ringside area. They got in the right and fought some more. Orton lined up for the punt kick, but Kingston dodged it and the brawl continued! Kingston pushed Orton head-first into the safety barrier, then tossed him over it into the audience area. Suddenly five referees showed up and pulled Orton off of Kingston, but he broke loose and tackled Kingston AGAIN! They pulled Orton off once more, but Kingston dove into the pack to get his hands on Orton again. Orton went into retreat mode, but Kingston continued to chase him. Kingston dumped Orton over a short guard rail into a shallow pit in the production area. Kingston bashed Orton with the top part of a storage box, and then layed Orton out on a table. Kingston climbed up on the guard rail, but referees pulled him down – causing the fans to boo wildly. Kingston broke loose and climbed up again and delivered a Boom-drop onto Orton through the table causing the fans to erupt with madness!! Kingston got some major air! Matt Striker called it another historic MSG moment! Editor’s Note: That was really awesome.

PROMO: John Cena cut a promo about his “handicap” match against DX at Survivor Series until he was handed a note. Cena said he made a mistake and it wasn’t a handicap match, it was actually a triple threat match with Triple H and Shawn Michaels at Survivor Series. Cena said he hopes Triple H and Shawn Michaels remain friends because they are going to need a shoulder to cry on!

John Cena & The Undertaker defeated DX (Triple H & Shawn Michaels) and Jerishow (Chris Jericho & The Big Show): John Cena is the WWE championship, and the Undertaker is the World Heavyweight champion. The finish saw Big Show break up a Pedigree attempt by Triple H on John Cena. Big Show head-butted Triple H! ShawN Michaels super-kicked the Big Show! Chris Jericho gave Michaels a Code-breaker! The Undertaker choke-slammed Jericho! Triple H clothesline the Undertaker over the top rope, but then John Cena caught Triple H with an Attitude Adjustment for the win! After the match, the Undertaker jumped back in the ring and gave John Cena a Tombstone Pile-driver! Striker commented “a message of dominance from the World Heavyweight champion?”